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Does a leopard ever change their spots?

(16 Posts)
mama2alex Mon 29-Aug-11 22:06:36

I've been going out with a guy for 3 and a half months. Things are good except that he goes on drinking binges every so often and for a few days will switch his phone off and ignore me.

The last time he did it, he was supposed to come around to my house for lunch one day and he just didn't turn up, I didn't hear from him until 24 hours after. I was so worried, imagining all sorts as you can imagine, when he eventually did call and I found out what had happened I basically screamed at him for half an hour but he swore he would never do it again so I ended up forgiving him.

But he has gone and done it again. This time he is on holiday and I haven't heard from him in 2 days. He is in the country though so I know there is probably no problem with his phone or anything.

As I said, most of the time he is a lovely guy, very considerate, but I feel like he is being disrespectful. The last time I did it, I swore I would walk away if he did it again.

I don't want to walk away but I feel like this will just happen again and again and I can't stand it.

Or am I being too harsh considering that he is on holiday with his friends? He is a single guy in his early 30s with no kids. I am a single mum of the same age with one DS.

greengirl87 Mon 29-Aug-11 22:09:40

he sounds like he has a personality change when he is drunk which is never good! if this is the case id say your much better off without him.

winnybella Mon 29-Aug-11 22:10:32

No, he's a twat. Get rid. He's doing it because he knows that he can- you'll stay anyway. Yes, he's being disrespectful, but also you need to work on self-respect, tbh and not let him walk all over you.

To answer your question, no, it's extremely unlikely he'll change.

mama2alex Mon 29-Aug-11 22:12:08

Thanks both of you, not what I wanted to hear but deep down I think you are right.

winnybella Mon 29-Aug-11 22:13:47

Oh, and I see you have a child- you don't really want the twat to move in and then keep up with his disappearing act. He doesn't sound like someone responsible enough to be in your son's life iyswim.

greengirl87 Mon 29-Aug-11 22:17:21

sorry its not what you wanted to hear but in a few months you might be counting your lucky stars you got out when you did! Best of luck with everything and im sure you'll find someone with no spots needing changed

babycham42 Mon 29-Aug-11 22:18:26

He"s a lovely guy and very considerate when it suits HIM I think!
If there"s some binge drinking to be had,he"s choosing that.
Not someone to get serious with IMO.

babyhammock Mon 29-Aug-11 22:25:28

BIG RED FLAG!
Sorry, cut your losses and run before you get anymore involved

MadamDeathstare Mon 29-Aug-11 22:31:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mama2alex Mon 29-Aug-11 22:35:50

The problem is that he is always saying that he does want to change, that he is desperate to settle down, have a family, is fed up of his current lifestyle etc. I did, maybe still do, believe it. It is even more worrying though as his dad was an alcoholic, he seems to think that there is a big difference as his dad needed a drink to get him through the day whereas he is more of a binge drinker. But I'm not justifying his actions, I cannot act like a doormat anymore.

TheDreamWeaver Mon 29-Aug-11 23:26:47

In my experience, No, they don't. I'm sure there'll be some out there who have the opposite opinion, but they will be the exception to the rule. When I look back on the start of my relationship, I think "RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG!!!!!" (But I wasn't on MN then and didn't know about red flags grin)
I just think if he's doing it after promising not to so soon into a relationship (two days is a long time!) then it won't get any better when you keep putting up with it
Didn't for me, anyways. I look back and think "well, there was a hint!!!"

HerHissyness Tue 30-Aug-11 01:44:42

Get him out of your life. and that of your DS. Don't let him near your family.

If he wants to change, and give up drinking, he will.

You said you would leave if he did it again. He did it again.
You swore that the next time he did it you would leave.

He has done it AGAIN.

Put your money where your mouth is.

You are worth more than this. if you don't stand up to this, it'll never change, by saying you'll leave and not, you are kind of allowing him to do this/accepting his behaviour.

HedleyLamarr Tue 30-Aug-11 02:15:50

Sorry OP, he's still living his youth. He might grow up, he might not. I suspect it's not worth you hanging around to see if he does. It's a shame that you have to chase after him, it should be the other way round. That sounds sexist, it isn't meant to, honest. smile He is taking the piss though.

MadamDeathstare Tue 30-Aug-11 02:37:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeachMySelfBalance Tue 30-Aug-11 02:42:58

I agree with the other posters.

Actions speak louder than words.

Fine speeches can be very convincing and dramatic and heart wrenching and total bullshit all at the same time. That can go around for years and years, literally. I call it "lip service". Don't believe what he says, believe what he does.

Likewise:
He won't believe that you will dump him until you actually do so. Speak with your feet. And, imho, you ought not to look back.

EttiKetti Tue 30-Aug-11 03:44:04

He might say he wants to change, but clearly not quite enough to actually do it. Even when faced with the prospect of a broken relationship. Run!

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