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Bit of a vague question but I'm stuck...

(7 Posts)
FagAshLill Mon 29-Aug-11 10:19:22

How can you learn to trust again?

I sat myself down the other night, no tv, no phone, no computer and had a good long think about what I am going to do about certain friendships and relationships.

I can forgive most things over and over again but the one thing I just cant forgive is the Lies and Playing with my emotions. These things to me are and have been devestating, to the point now, I just can not believe a word anyone says to me from the mundane stuff to compliments or more serious things.

It wasnt just the filng, the ex, but it went much deeper to that, uncles, grandparents, even my own mother and now friends.

I'm so sick of being lied to, I dont deserve it and I feel as though it's affected my confidence a significant amount now. Everyone knows if they tell me the truth I'm not going to fly off the handle in a hissy fit. They know I sill sit and think about it before making a move or saying something and I've proved this to each and every person - so why do this? Why lie?

Is it because I dont scream and shout and lash out? Am I a doormat to these people? More importantly...how the hell do you learn to trust anyone again? I'm a loving, careing person and try to see the best in everyone but it's getting harder and harder to be that way. I'm terrified of becoming bitter and untrusting even though I am heading that way quickly.

It's a difficult one to answer I know but any ideas, suggestions or experiences will be gratfully received.

FagAshLill Mon 29-Aug-11 10:21:06

*Fling not filng.

thesunshinesbrightly Mon 29-Aug-11 10:23:52

I second you and i probably not the best one too talk to as i am untrusting and bitter.

We are too soft and we are pushovers that is the only reason i can come up with we are to loyal, loving and caring!!

We need to stop it now!

FagAshLill Mon 29-Aug-11 10:31:28

Shit isn't it?

FagAshLill Mon 29-Aug-11 10:54:35

Thinking about it some more...

I know these people have proven not be trustworthy now or even good enough for me and that they are the ones with the problem by feeling that they have to lie in the first place or not think enough of me to tell me the truth.

I'm thinking that the only way you can trust again is when you are willing to put yourself in the position to risk being lied to again. Until then, you are not doing yourself any favours.

Until you are ready in yourself to be put in that position, letting people closer, believing them and in them you can only trust yourself and believe in yourself.

(just puttting thoughts out there, no need to comment on them)

FagAshLill Mon 29-Aug-11 10:55:22

I'm going for a fag, it's too early for this.

OberonTheHopeful Mon 29-Aug-11 13:12:51

Lill, your post struck a real chord with me.

I've been through a long phase of this. I've always made a point of being honest and straightforward with people and simply can't understand why some people go out of their way to be deceitful. Ultimately though, I suppose you have to accept that there are all types in the world and some will be more like you.

I knew a particularly bad case recently. A 'friend' who knew I was going through a really rough time (I've posted about it before and don't want to get into the details again, suffice to say it was probably the worst year of my life so far) and came to me more than once for help and support. Much of what she had told me turned out to be lies and when some of these were discovered she would just shrug it off and then tell more lies. She knew how I was fixed and went out of her way to take advantage, presumably secure in the knowledge that I was vulnerable and my radar was down. It was possibly harder for me as well to let go and see reality because I'd just moved to a new town and this person was the only one I knew here.

This was the worst (except for XP), but there have been others. I know that I'll never have an explanation. I've spent too much time wondering what it is about me that draws such people and it has made my trust issues much worse. I realised after a while though that I was just making myself isolated, so decided I had to once again take a chance. I am now very cautious but the results have been worthwhile. I've met some very genuine people and a couple of them are starting to become good friends. It's also made me value the friends I do have who have shown themselves to be true and honest.

And in the final analysis I just couldn't live a life based on lies and don't want to be associated with people who do. Yes, you do need to believe in and trust yourself. The duplicity of others is their problem and you don't need to make it yours.

BTW, If it's any consolation I've been through several fags this morning before posting this smile

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