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Feeling a bit like a prostitute (constant pressure for sex)(41 Posts)
DP and I do not yet live together and contact during the week is fairly limited to text and skype which is not ideal. We see each other on alternate weekends where we either stay at my house on the saturday night or we stay at his. What is bothering me however is that he seems to be under the impression that sex is guaranteed on these weekends and I feel a bit under pressure to be "in the mood" just because it's that weekend. My sex drive isn't great at the best of times but I do try, however I'm feeling like everytime we spend a night together I have to "perform" my sexual duties otherwise I get nagged and nagged all night about it. Last weekend we stayed at his house and from the minute I got there he started going on about sex. We had dinner, opened a bottle of wine and sat on the sofa and he kept on and on "think we should go upstairs for an hour" "why I don't I bring the duvet down and we can get undressed and cosy?" "you want to watch a movie? ok sex first and then a movie?" "shall we go for a shower? yes? and then in the bedroom for an hour?"
It gets really, really tiresome. I made it clear I just wanted to watch a movie. So that finished at 10pm and he immediately jumped up, turned the TV off and said it was bedtime. I said there is no way on earth I'm going to bed at 10pm on a saturday night when we have no reason to get up early the next day, we have wine to drink, no kids to take care of for the night etc so he said "well I didn't mean bed to sleep". He just goes on and on.
I did speak to him about it and he said because he doesn't see me all week he gets really horny by the weekends we're together but when I tried to explain that I don't always want to jump into bed as soon as we see each other he just said "I know, it's awkward." but yet he still nags and nags.
It's got to the point now thought where even when I just pop in to take something around or for a coffee he starts it up "shall we pop upstairs for a quickie? can I give you a massage? can you stay an extra hour and I'll bring you a coffee upstairs?" It's really starting to make me dread our weekends together.
What are his good points? Have you been together long? Do you go out and about in the day? Do you ever suggest going out for a meal, cinema, walk etc?
Don't you want to have sex with him?
I can't blame him, though he sounds like he's going about it all the wrong way. He's making himself sound desperate. The problem is he doesn't know what he's doing wrong.
What exactly do you want to happen? Do you want to see him once a fortnight and not have sex with him?
Well I don't think he's being very subtle and I can see that those kind of comments would be a BIG turn-off.
On the other hand, if I only saw my DH every other weekend I would have his clothes off before he got through the door! How long have you been together?
Maybe he's just not the one for you?
No wonder you feel worn down! I wouldn't want to be nagged into sex either. I'm not sure what you can do if you've talked about it but he still acts this way. I wouldn't be too keen on staying with someone who went on about sex "all night" and made incessant suggestions about it.
We've been together about a year. It wouldn't be a problem if he just shut up about it and let us watch a dvd in peace without going on about sex all the way through etc. It just seems to me that that's the only reason he ever wants me to go down. I do want to have sex, I just don't want to be constantly nattered about it.
I don't think he is treating you as a prostitute. He just fancies you and wants to show you. Unfortunately he doesn't have the finesse to show you nicely.
How long have you been together?
Seriously you don't even live together and you are dreading seeing him and don't want sex. What is in this relationship.
I agree with Glass, I am in a long distance relationship and only get to see OH every few months. First thing I want to do is get him upstairs and jump him when I see him.
When you do have sex do you enjoy it?
Is he doing it right? If not, have you told him what you like and don't like?
It seems to me that you see sex as a massive chore rather than an intimate enjoyable experience.
In any event, I can't see this becoming easier for either of you....only worse.
If he doesn't float your boat.....it maybe time to move on...?
I'd say get out while you can. The two of you have mismatched sex drives, which is a constant problem for couples, as you probably know from MN. How do you think things will be when you live together and the everyday mundane stuff sets in? I can guarantee if you think his constant whining for sex is bad now, just wait til you live together. You have a unique window of opportunity here to escape and find someone that's more compatible with you on that level and tbh, I'd be taking it if I were you.
Is it really too much to ask though that we just chill out with a movie and a glass of wine for a while? Why does it always have to turn into a night of nagging and innuendos?
Reading the OP it sounds like he is no longer trying to 'woo' you. Do you still go out on 'dates' or is all your time spent at each others homes?
If this is the case then I dont blame you feeling that all he wants you is for sex but to say it makes you feel like a prostitute is a bit cheap/below the belt.
If it was me (but its not) I would be wanting 'time out dating' when there are no children to look after with other time spent 'snuggled up'.
He is very unsubtle and TBH would bore the pants off of me - but that is another story.
It doesnt seem that you are very well suited apart from the fact that you have free time every couple of weeks and spend that time together and from your POV even then you are not happy.
Is it time to move on?
Because sexually (and maybe in other ways), you're not on the same page. Seriously, this is a major red flag and you'd be mad not to take it seriously. A problem like that will only get worse. Yes he sounds like a pain and I don't necessarily see his attitude towards sex changing, even if you lived together. You've already said you don't have a high libido.. for your own sake, don't end up with someone who has.
I think that's part of the problem, we don't do much of anything other than these weekends spent at each other's houses. We don't often do the cinema because he likes different stuff to me (for instance he likes fantasy things that IMO are designed for kids like the lightning thief and harry potter etc) whereas I like action/thriller type things. I'd like to go and see the Devil's Double for instance where as he wouldn't. Therefore I go to cinema with my friend now.
We don't often do meals out as neither of us can afford it. We're going to see a band next weekend (one that he likes, I'm not keen but I said I'd go) and already he's saying stuff like "oh I hope you don't start your period before then" so already he's fixated on the sex of that weekend and not the fact that we're going out.
Agree with others that you seem to have completely mismatched sex drives. If you have only been together a year, and stay together so infrequently, I should think it would be considered the norm that you would be gagging for it.
After 10 years of marriage - well, that's a different matter
No, its not too much to ask at all OP. I lived with someone until recently who sounds like a carbon copy of your partner.
Constant suggestions, pleading, whining, groping etc etc.
It was horrible and what was worse is that I felt guilty for not responding to this crap.
Through spending time on here I have come to understand that it's not ok for anyone to try to pressure me into anything.
It can also be a form of control this pestering and harranguing (sp)
You are entitled to tell him clearly no or later or whatever you feel at the time and stick to it.
I would be seriously thinking about my future with anyone (after any length) of time nowadays who was so unwilling to hear me and respect me.
Oh god he sounds awful, no wonder you don't want sex with him he sounds like a bore.
You can do better op. Nothing in what you've said above points to a future of blissful happiness with your soulmate tbh.
I'm afraid this relationship sounds doomed to me; not only are you sexually incompatible, you don't have many (any?) interests in common. Perhaps you should move on?
One of the interests we did share was that we liked walking through the countryside/forests etc but even that turned into a constant nag for sex. We'd be walking through the woods, sun shining, birds singing and he'd start it up again "lets find a secluded spot, there's nobody around" "let's do it here"
For gods sake, just let me enjoy the walk/movie/drink etc you know??
Don't think this is about the op not wanting sex or having a lower sex drive. Yes, she hasn't seen him all week but the way he is acting is a turn off.
No, of course it's not too much to ask! I'd be massively turned off if someone was only ever going on about sex constantly. DP and I didn't see each other that often when we were first going out and he wasn't like that at all. Surely if it's been a while in this arrangement he must be used to the frequency by now.
Does he actually see you as a friend, someone he likes to spend time with other than in the bedroom? I think it's really important in a relationship to feel wanted in other ways as well, and I think in this situation I'd be considering going our separate ways. In the past I wouldn't have, btw, and I ended up in quite unhappy relationships because of excusing behaviour like this. It's not a "man thing" and you don't have to find it flattering just because someone else would.
Incidentally, since being with someone who never ever pressures me for sex and immediately drops the subject if I say I'mnot in the mood, my sex drive has gone through the roof, I'm easily the most "active"in our relationship! But we still do have times where we go a week or two without sex and it isn't an issue.
I'm with you smelly. Find someone you want to spend time with. Let him be happy with his hand been as that is the only thing he wants to do.
You've been togther a year and see each other fortnightly - I'd still be at the ripping his clothes of stage and I can't really blame him for still being at that stage.
I can see how it must be annoying if you are not interested but equally you've probably seen each other 20 or so times, so I'd still expect things to be madly passionate.
I agree with those who say give it up. You are totally mismatchedf in terms of sex and other activities - why are you with him at all?
I'm both impressed and horrified with how this man can turn a WALK IN THE WOODS into a conversation about having sex.
"oh I hope you don't start your period before then"
What a charmer
Just read the countryside walk post - yup, tick in the box there for me too.
You don't solely exist to satisfy his perceived 'needs' OP and I'd be tempted to put it to him like that as well, his balls won't fall off if he doesn't get sex everytime he wants it.
As Bertie said, it's hard to feel like you're being appreciated fully as a person when being constantly badgered for one thing only.
Someone on here has a rather choice way of putting it and I love it ' I am not a wank sock' is close to it I think.
<starts a cross-stitch with that motto>
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