I feel really really down today, I just want to cry. Feeling sorry for myself and I'm pissed off with myself for being such a sad cow. I've been lurking in relationships on MN and there's so much on there that i feel or have felt, and I suppose it's brought it all to a head. It's also really touched me that people give up their time to give advice or just a virtual hug, as someone said, to people they would walk past on the street as strangers.
I'm learning about stuff I never knew how to express before: I now know the term "gaslighting" and emotional abuse by silent treatment and know i've been a victim of that for years. Feeling like I'm losing my mind, doubting myself, questioning myself even though i KNOW something .....or thought I did, anyway.... I'm outwardly really bolshy and tough, not one to suffer fools gladly or put up with anyone's shit etc etc
But sadly, the reality is FAR from that.
I had two dcs when i met EX, and though I was only 31, I felt old, past it, like I couldn't be too choosy. So I sort of FORCED myself into going out with EX, though some of his STRONG views were SO opposed to my own, but I just put it all aside (eg he's a Tory and an out and out -racist- bigot.)
To keep it brief, he treated me pretty lousy, kept me completely seperate from his friends and family, knowing i was stuck at home with two kids. He had two lives: single guy and family guy. He misrepresented me to his friends and family to keep us apart. He was ALWAYS on the lookout for something better. And I never really felt he thought I was good enough for him. I got a phonecall at 3am saying he was seen in a club trying it on with a 21 year old. I checked his phone when he got in and found texts to his sister saying how much he wanted this other woman. I threw him out.
For a week.
I found a text where he offered a girl his "tongue down there", he said it was a joke. After denying it for two days and making me think I'd imagined the whole thing.
Anyway, no point writing all the incidences where he took the piss, esp as I'm just going to lose any sympathy now when I tell you we decided to have a child together. I thought it would cement our family, stop it being "me and the kids" and "him and his mates" and everything would be perfect - I now know, thanks to MN that this is a "band aid baby"
We split up when I was 2 months pregnant because he was treating me like shit - told his sister we weren't together, he was just with me for sex etc..and it all came to a head one night when he just fucked off out "for an hour" and came back 14.5 hours later steaming drunk. I locked him out, he put my windows in.
Fast forward, DS is now 3, and me and EX have been off and on through all this time. I'm STUCK in this rut where he is either my mortal enemy, I'm the worst scumbag and shit mother in the world, he does his best to do me down, or we get on for the kids, go out as a family then end up sleeping together. And still he has this double life. Single bloke/Dad when he fancies it, with a load of amazing sex thrown in. I've sort of put my own feelings away, I know I'm making do, though I probably do love him, I don't know. But anytime we fall out, he dumps my 2 kids and just becomes weekend dad to his own, knowing that all I want is a family life and stability for all 3 dcs.
I'm fed up having him here and being in this "not in/not out" of a relationship. (though he would deny to anyone that he was "with" me) He's very difficult to get on with and throws his dummy at any opportunity. I'm really unhappy, and i feel like i'm completely WASTING my life. I NEVER get out anywhere, I don't keep in touch with friends except onliine. I've been imprisoned by kids for 10 years. But there's no-one else queueing up at my door. Which is how come I began a relationship with him in the first place.
I feel really low and i don't now what's kicked it off, except yday EX starting completely blanking me. He'll do this for weeks on end, I won't know what starts it, or what stops it. I feel like i'm old and will never be happy in a relationship in this life. I bloody felt like i was getting on in years 6 years ago when i met EX, i thought i was too old to be choosy, and that's why i stuck it out in the face of SOOOO much shit, even right at the very start....and now here i am, 6 years older, another kid in tow, another father in my life forever, no matter what happens. My family avoid coming to my house because he may be here, and he is so ignorant and down right rude. If I do just settle for him, it will be hard hard work, it will be "making do" and I think he will always have his eye out for something better, he always did before. I would continue to have to go places on my own - no way would he come to our family parties, weddings, even just visiting. And I would never be invited out with him, he has a seperate life away from me and the kids. I tell myself i don't care about him coz that's the only way i can shrug off his idiot behaviour.
I'd love to know what he's saying about me. I tell myself that if we were together PROPERLY I would want to know and have a right to know, but as it is, I pretend i don't give a fuck WHAT he says about me, but i do really.
I just hate this life i've got with him not in it, not out of it. He sleeps here when HE chooses, goes to his house, or wherever else he likes when HE chooses. I think the bottom line is I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself and what i've become and what ii've turned into and what i've allowed to happen to me.
6 years on, I'm 6 years older, pushing 40 but not feeling it, not ready to be "THAT" old, because my position in life is not where I would expect a 40 year old woman to be.
I'm not sure about posting all this now it's written, so I'm going to hit the button quickly before I get time to change my mind. THANK YOU for reading.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Really down. Sex with EX. On his terms. Sorry its long and self pitying...
TheDreamWeaver · 29/08/2011 00:55
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