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Really down. Sex with EX. On his terms. Sorry its long and self pitying...

(26 Posts)
TheDreamWeaver Mon 29-Aug-11 00:55:19

I feel really really down today, I just want to cry. Feeling sorry for myself and I'm pissed off with myself for being such a sad cow. I've been lurking in relationships on MN and there's so much on there that i feel or have felt, and I suppose it's brought it all to a head. It's also really touched me that people give up their time to give advice or just a virtual hug, as someone said, to people they would walk past on the street as strangers.
I'm learning about stuff I never knew how to express before: I now know the term "gaslighting" and emotional abuse by silent treatment and know i've been a victim of that for years. Feeling like I'm losing my mind, doubting myself, questioning myself even though i KNOW something .....or thought I did, anyway.... I'm outwardly really bolshy and tough, not one to suffer fools gladly or put up with anyone's shit etc etc
But sadly, the reality is FAR from that.
I had two dcs when i met EX, and though I was only 31, I felt old, past it, like I couldn't be too choosy. So I sort of FORCED myself into going out with EX, though some of his STRONG views were SO opposed to my own, but I just put it all aside (eg he's a Tory and an out and out -racist- bigot.)
To keep it brief, he treated me pretty lousy, kept me completely seperate from his friends and family, knowing i was stuck at home with two kids. He had two lives: single guy and family guy. He misrepresented me to his friends and family to keep us apart. He was ALWAYS on the lookout for something better. And I never really felt he thought I was good enough for him. I got a phonecall at 3am saying he was seen in a club trying it on with a 21 year old. I checked his phone when he got in and found texts to his sister saying how much he wanted this other woman. I threw him out.

For a week.

I found a text where he offered a girl his "tongue down there", he said it was a joke. After denying it for two days and making me think I'd imagined the whole thing.

Anyway, no point writing all the incidences where he took the piss, esp as I'm just going to lose any sympathy now when I tell you we decided to have a child together. I thought it would cement our family, stop it being "me and the kids" and "him and his mates" and everything would be perfect - I now know, thanks to MN that this is a "band aid baby"

We split up when I was 2 months pregnant because he was treating me like shit - told his sister we weren't together, he was just with me for sex etc..and it all came to a head one night when he just fucked off out "for an hour" and came back 14.5 hours later steaming drunk. I locked him out, he put my windows in.
Fast forward, DS is now 3, and me and EX have been off and on through all this time. I'm STUCK in this rut where he is either my mortal enemy, I'm the worst scumbag and shit mother in the world, he does his best to do me down, or we get on for the kids, go out as a family then end up sleeping together. And still he has this double life. Single bloke/Dad when he fancies it, with a load of amazing sex thrown in. I've sort of put my own feelings away, I know I'm making do, though I probably do love him, I don't know. But anytime we fall out, he dumps my 2 kids and just becomes weekend dad to his own, knowing that all I want is a family life and stability for all 3 dcs.

I'm fed up having him here and being in this "not in/not out" of a relationship. (though he would deny to anyone that he was "with" me) He's very difficult to get on with and throws his dummy at any opportunity. I'm really unhappy, and i feel like i'm completely WASTING my life. I NEVER get out anywhere, I don't keep in touch with friends except onliine. I've been imprisoned by kids for 10 years. But there's no-one else queueing up at my door. Which is how come I began a relationship with him in the first place.

I feel really low and i don't now what's kicked it off, except yday EX starting completely blanking me. He'll do this for weeks on end, I won't know what starts it, or what stops it. I feel like i'm old and will never be happy in a relationship in this life. I bloody felt like i was getting on in years 6 years ago when i met EX, i thought i was too old to be choosy, and that's why i stuck it out in the face of SOOOO much shit, even right at the very start....and now here i am, 6 years older, another kid in tow, another father in my life forever, no matter what happens. My family avoid coming to my house because he may be here, and he is so ignorant and down right rude. If I do just settle for him, it will be hard hard work, it will be "making do" and I think he will always have his eye out for something better, he always did before. I would continue to have to go places on my own - no way would he come to our family parties, weddings, even just visiting. And I would never be invited out with him, he has a seperate life away from me and the kids. I tell myself i don't care about him coz that's the only way i can shrug off his idiot behaviour.
I'd love to know what he's saying about me. I tell myself that if we were together PROPERLY I would want to know and have a right to know, but as it is, I pretend i don't give a fuck WHAT he says about me, but i do really.

I just hate this life i've got with him not in it, not out of it. He sleeps here when HE chooses, goes to his house, or wherever else he likes when HE chooses. I think the bottom line is I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself and what i've become and what ii've turned into and what i've allowed to happen to me.
6 years on, I'm 6 years older, pushing 40 but not feeling it, not ready to be "THAT" old, because my position in life is not where I would expect a 40 year old woman to be.
I'm not sure about posting all this now it's written, so I'm going to hit the button quickly before I get time to change my mind. THANK YOU for reading.

Maxine28 Mon 29-Aug-11 01:08:12

Okay... WHAT A PRICK...! Nobody deserves what this man is doing to you!
I am 18 years old and from a 'childs' point of view i watched my mother go through exactly the relationship that you are describing. She tried it all, pretending it wasn't happening, having a child, accepting it. He was both physically and emotionally violent to her and from the age of 5 i watched her suffer. Although i sympathise with you in the deepest way possible you must also remember that everything that happens to you, happens to your children too. Sometimes it is not the most important thing for a child to have their father around, especially if they are a terrible role model and constantly letting them down.

As for you, I can promise you deep down that there is a 100% chance that you will find somebody else who will appreciate you and your children. The problem is that you have become stuck in a rut in which this behaviour has become normal.

The best thing to do is work out what you are doing with your life, how successful your job is, your family (not including him) and reassess what it is that you want to achieve. Sometimes getting away (not running away) but moving away from the cause of the problem is key. You need to get this man out of your life and take control of the situation. Just make sure that you have the support of your parents/friends/other family before you do so, as it will hurt and you will want to revert back to what you have as it is easier.

Just make sure that you don't allow this man to control you any longer, you are stronger than that and any time wasted on him is time you could be spending enjoying your children and your life. smile

TheDreamWeaver Mon 29-Aug-11 01:21:40

Thankyou for posting, and for your encouraging words. Wise, for one so young! grin
You're right about this behaviour becoming normal. I don't want it to. It's normal now for me to feel shitty and down on myself.
Its just that because there is no-one else, I think, "well, so long as he behaves himself and acts like an adult and doesn't speak to me like SHIT, I'll allow him in our lives"
When we go out as a family, things CAN be really good. I think the thing that is REALLY keeping me stuck there is my older dcs. I don't want them to watch their younger sibling being taken for fantastic days out by his dad, when their own forgets their existence.
Sometimes he can be thoughtful and really good with the kids. But I do think he uses them against me, withdrawing his support and "step father" role as punishment to me.

I have a good job. A great job. grin And a new mortgage, so moving away isn't an option.

Can it really be so bad if I keep going back to it? hmm

Maxine28 Mon 29-Aug-11 01:34:41

YES!!! As blunt as i can be... You are demoralising yourself and allowing yourself to wake up every morning wondering if today will be a good day or a bad day. Me and my sister were from my mothers first marriage and her new (abusive) partner excluded us from all activities as well as maliciously presenting our younger sister (his daughter) with lavish gifts and attention. It hurt.
The worst punishment received was the 'silent treatment' in which he would purposely ignore me and my sister for days, even weeks at a time, he used to do this to my mum also. It become a habit of cohabitation in which most of the time they were living seperate lives in the same house!!

You deserve SO much better than this crap that he is giving you! It's good that you are secure in your job and your home. It is one less thing to deal with :D

You have to look at the good and bad times in a 'chart like fashion' do the good times make up for the bad?? if not then get out now.

I mean no offence by addressing your age but you must remember that being nearly 40 is NOT old! If you are concerned that you will not be able to find someone else to look after you and your children then you should stop there...

You have spent 6 years with a man who makes you feel like crap, you had just passed 30 when you entered the relationship, i can assure you that not only has this relationship been a learning curve for you, you have also learnt a lot about yourself and your wants/needs in the last 6 years and you will be more certain about what you are looking for in a partner. Yes, this may make you picky... but you have no rush! A single woman is a powerful woman! smile

squeakytoy Mon 29-Aug-11 01:37:25

You are stuck in a rut and you really have to be strong. Decide if you want him in your life or not. I suspect you do, but you want him to be the man you want. That aint ever ever going to happen, and deep down you probably know it too.

Your kids are growing up watching their mum be messed around, but one day those kids will be grown up, and will be living their own lives, and then what?

I dont think you can keep on pretending to play happy families on days out, and then he decides he will disappear for a bit.. its not fair on you or the kids.

Keep your family close to you, dont let them stay away if he is there.

It wont be easy, but it is do-able and in the long run, you will feel so much better for it.

AnnieLobeseder Mon 29-Aug-11 01:38:42

TheDreamWeaver - well, it seems to me from your post that you are desperately lacking in self-respect and, just as importantly, self-love. It looks like it began before you met your ex - you said you settled for him because you thought you were getting too old to find anyone. And then he's been chipping away at you ever since.

Why do you feel you need to be with someone? Of course it's nice to be in a relationship, as long as that relationship is supportive, respectful and mutually beneficial. Why are you with someone who seems to bring nothing to the table except you being able to claim that you're not alone?

Get rid of him. Spend time with family and friends - people who genuinely love and like you. Let their love for you teach you to love yourself again. Get therapy. Learn to live on your own, to be strong for yourself and your children. Once you're doing everything for yourself, you should find you get some self-respect back.

This man is giving you nothing. Give him nothing back. Why spend time with someone who makes you unhappy? Life is too short.

You don't need a man. Learn to be happy on your own. You might find someone else, you might not. It shouldn't matter.

Please step away from him. You're a victim of abuse. It is really so bad. But you'll never see it until you step away.

Your children will be better with a strong confident mother as a role model, not a miserable doormat. What are you teaching them about relationships? Nothing good.

TheDreamWeaver Mon 29-Aug-11 01:56:27

Maxine thankyou for your perspective, and for taking time to reply. I know what you mean about wondering if today will be good or not...he has the control over this....it sounds like your mum did a bloody good job in bringing you up, she should be very proud of you.

squeaky thankyou,
"you want him to be the man you want. That aint ever ever going to happen"

you hit the nail on the head. Though he can be....or am I just kidding myself that that's what I REALLY want?

I'm not sure that my family realise I'm so down. I don't talk about him. I'm embarrassed if they "catch" him at my house coz they assume we're together and that makes me feel weak, and that they see it.

If we didn't have a child I think it would be so much easier. I've done everything I can to promote his relationship with ds, allowing him into my home even when we've not been speaking when ds was newborn, expressing milk for him to feed the baby even though I'm right there and could just give it to him from the breast etc etc though i get no thanks or aknowledgement for it. He still tells people I stop him seeing his child when we fall out. I bend over backwards for him and my ds.

Annie thankyou. I DON'T need to be with someone. It's just that he is my baby's father. I never wanted to be a single parent. I want a proper family...hence ds's arrival. blush It's not that I CAN'T do it alone, I am financially secure and independant and have brought my kids up basically alone, but it's not how I would have it.
"Why spend time with someone who makes you unhappy? Life is too short"

I know, I know, I know....blush

Maxine28 Mon 29-Aug-11 01:59:57

Thank you smile Just remember. You are strong. You are better than this. You DESERVE better than this!!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 29-Aug-11 05:58:28

I know, I know, I know...

Knowing is one thing; doing is another.

You know that you create your own life.

You know are the architect of your own misfortune.

You know that you are choosing to live a life of misery when you could be living a life of joy.

Put your knowledge to good use; rid yourself once and for all of your ex and move forward into the positive future that only you can bring about for your dc.

If you don't do it, no-one else is going to do it for you.

You're pushing 40 and down on yourself. How much more down on yourself will you be when you're pushing 50 and are still living the way you are now?

Time is precious and so are you. Don't waste either.

FamilyCircus Mon 29-Aug-11 06:41:47

How about: you're 62 years old and still waiting for him to be the man you want him to be? That's where my mum is, still putting up with him because she's invested too many years to make a clean break. Despite the fact that they haven't lived together for 20 years and he treats her like shit and has proved himself to be a bastard over and over during their 'relationship'.

DW I feel really upset reading your posts. You seem so very, very nice and he is so obviously a complete shit. He is treating you appallingly. Being alone would be so much better than putting up with this non-relationship.

I understand how horrible it must be to see your oldest children dropped. The fact he can do this is testament to what a bastard he is. I don't think it's a reason to continue though. It will be hard for all of you and all you can do is try to soften the blow for them. All your children will probably grow to hate him (if they don't already) anyway. I certainly knew what my dad was about by the time I was 10 and I lived for the days where he would disappear, hoping that he'd never come back.

You could have a really good life without him in it.

Xales Mon 29-Aug-11 10:01:20

You will never change this man. Why should he change when you just roll over to give him a clean bit to wipe his shoes on.

The only thing you can change is yourself.

As long as you know you are doing your best to allow him contact so what if he tells everyone that you are stopping him from seeing his children. Words can't hurt and the people who believe him, knowing what he is like compared to you are not real friends of yours and should be cut out.

Keep a diary of it all for the future so that if when old enough your child ever asks you can show them.

Coming on here and posting is an acknowledgement that you know this is wrong. It is the first step. You have to be strong and cut this man out apart from your child. You owe it to yourself and your child. No one else is going to protect either of you.

Please tell us you are at least using condoms with this vile selfish man?

Even if you are you know full well that all the time he is not with you he is off chasing and probably shagging others.

Please get to an STI clinic and get yourself checked over.

Then don't let this disgusting sleaze touch you again.

Xales Mon 29-Aug-11 10:05:10

To be honest as well you are allowing this man to be incredibly cruel to your two elder children.

They do not deserve this in the slightest. Why are you allowing their lives to be screwed by this man?

All you are showing them is that the are second best and that this man takes priority over them whenever he likes.

Makeyerowndamndinner Mon 29-Aug-11 10:52:00

Oh god how awful. No-one deserves to be treated like this. This man is an abuser and is not fit to be a role-model to your children.

Please, just stop this. Get off this shitty merry-go-round. You have a good job, are financially independent, you don't live with him, you can end this now.

Don't take his calls. Don't open the door to him. Don't speak to him. It is over. He can make contact arrangements through a solicitor. If he turns up at your door and threatens to smash the windows, call the police.

Listen, you have a choice. You can end this now or you can continue. It really is up to you, you know.

AnnieLobeseder Mon 29-Aug-11 14:22:17

He can be a father to your child without you having to see him. You're in the very fortunate position that you're not tied to him financially, set up a visitation schedule, get it legally arranged if you think that's best. By all means keep him in your DSs life. Just get him out of yours.

Do you mind if I ask where the father of your other DCs comes into the picture? Do they see him? If not, I can imagine it is quite hard for them if they see their younger sibling spending time with a dad when they don't have one. But it doesn't sound like he treats them very well, so they're not benefiting by having him around. If your youngest gets to see his dad and they don't, well, life is often unfair but I would imagine there's not much you can do about.

buzzsorekillington Mon 29-Aug-11 14:35:12

I agree with Xales - I know part of the reason you find it hard to break with this man is that you have a child together, but what he is doing to your other children by routinely dumping them is just heartbreaking. It's awful for their self-esteem to be accepted and then rejected like that, just as it's shit for your own to be his fall-back. Get out of this destructive cycle for their sake, if not for your own.

TheDreamWeaver Mon 29-Aug-11 16:10:18

Thankyou all for your time. I think perhaps I am making the first step, by posting on here for a bit of support, so thank you all for giving it.
My eldest two rarely see their Dad, he's in the army so has a wonderful excuse. I'm sounding bitter about that as he's never given a fuck. The children are just his excuse to stalk me.
Years ago he deliberately started renting a house directly opposite mine for just over a year. He saw the kids a couple of times.
He used them as an excuse to get out of community service (which he got for smashing a glass into my 17 yo brother's face, causing nerve damage, massive blood loss and scarring him for life, on NYE) but didn't show up for them as he was too pissed the night before, and I had to race around to find someone to have two kids at the last minute at 8:00 on a Saturday morning so I could go to work.
At least now he has to pay for their upkeep, the army force him to. He gave us fuck all before that. Sold our family home at a £42,000 profit and didn't give the kids a penny. He squandered the whole lot away within 9 months. No house, no car, no job, no assets, so he joined up.
He went to Afghanistan with the army and didn't contact my kids for 12 weeks.
And he only contacted them then because I kicked his arse into doing so after I discovered he'd been writing to, phoning and romancing his latest "babe" on facebook, completely forgetting that he had TWO babes at home thinking he was dead.
He's just been home for 3 weeks, they rang him to see him, he said he'd come and take them out one day. He said "is your mum at work through the summer holidays?" They said yes, she is. He said "I suppose she's gonna expect me to babysit then" They said no, grandma was having them.
He saw them twice in 3 weeks, once after pressure from my family to see them, once by my kids chasing him to be a dad. He's not interested in them if I'm not part of the deal I'm afraid. I think they know. He drove by them one day when they were playing out at my mum's whilst I was at work. He stopped, gave em a quid, and went on his way. He's a useless waste of space. He knows they are off school, bored at my mum's. He's sat on his arse with nothing to do, and a car idle on the driveway. He lies to them constantly and makes false promises.

I stepped up a rung on the insect ladder when I met EX I guess. And EX's one redeeming feature is he adores our baby and feels for him the way I do, the way I wished Useless would feel for DC 1 and 2. Oh, and the fantastic sex.

Don't get me wrong, anyway, I'm not perfect, particularly since I've decided to not give a fuck and keep my feelings very very deeply buried. I make sure he knows I don't give a fuck. I've told EX he'll never get back in to hurt me. He's told people I'm just good for sex, or he's with me for the kids, so now that's my adopted mantra - he's just here whilst it's convenient for me and the kids, and for when I fancy some great sex. I know it's destructive, and we are NOT good for each other, but do you know what is really fucking sad? I'd marry him tomorrow if he grabbed me, kissed me passionately, declared his undying love for me, told me I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. But he's SO undemonstrative, he doesn't do passionate declarations. I'd love it to work. It's my fucking complete
inability to admit failure that has kept me doggedly trying for 6 years.

But I still wouldn't trust that he wasn't keeping some bird on the back burner just in case. How do you get over a complete lack of trust? He accuses me of all sorts, but I've never been with anyone but him for 7 years.

The clock is ticking, I can't waste any more years on this man........unless <<cringe>>....... oh God!

Xales Mon 29-Aug-11 17:03:06

You can decide not to give a fuck and to keep your feelings buried that is your choice.

Your children cannot decide nor should they have to decide not to give a fuck and keep their feelings buried.

This is not convenient for your children in the slightest. They have no choice and you are failing to protect them.

If you keep allowing this man in and out and screwing them around they may well end up hating you and blaming you for always putting him and your great sex first.

SirSugar Mon 29-Aug-11 17:05:35

Right OP I've read your OP and get the general gist and....

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT LIFESTYLE WITH SHIT PEOPLE.

Get out of bed tomorrow and make a start; get an absolutely huge mental 'broom' and start sweeping.

buzzsorekillington Mon 29-Aug-11 17:16:58

Don't you see that by playing this game of pretending you don't care, you play into his hands as he can at any time turn round and dump you & the kids again and you can't say a word in comeback, cos apparently you don't give a shit? Heads he wins, tails you lose.

And more importantly, the kids lose.

They deserve a father figure who doesn't just ditch them if things aren't going his way. Your older ones have a crap dad who uses them to get to you, and they have a step-dad who rejects them. Is what you're getting from him really worth putting your kids through this? Don't forget, they're learning about relationships from you - is this the sort of lifestyle you want them to replay to you?

TheDreamWeaver Mon 29-Aug-11 17:17:08

grin Thank you all

I intend to..... "gonna wash that man right out of ma hair....." grin

NotQuiteSoDesperate Mon 29-Aug-11 20:35:32

When I was almost 40 I had a really serious illness and my DH was told I had three hours left to live. Amazingly enough, I survived and am now in my 50s. That experience taught me something very powerful - you only have one life and it could be taken away at any minute!

It changed my life - now I will never, ever waste the time I have left by putting up with a less than good marriage or any nonsense in general.

OP, please don't waste your good years with this awful man.

TheDreamWeaver Mon 29-Aug-11 22:10:01

That's brilliant for you, notquite (is that where the name came from?
<<suddenly looks inward and self analyses my OWN choice of name>>
....oh SHIT, it says a lot that, doesn't it! Light bulb moment!

I'm glad you had the impetus to do something good for yourself and look back proudly.

I'm actually thawing now, thinking "well, perhaps if i sit him down and say 'this is what I find unacceptable in your behaviour and it either stops or you're gone for good'"

The 'for good' bit will be hard to believe, I've said it - and meant it - a few times.

Communication is a massive issue (what with the stonewalling, running back to his cave when things get tough, or he just damn well feels like it, and secret stand-by women)

I have said "dump my two kids again, that's it" and he said why should he take my kids out when his time with his son is so precious and should not be diluted with siblings distracting the two of them.

He's asking to take all 3 swimming tomorrow....do I cut off their noses and turn down the invite (he will prob still take his child)

I'm so rubbish at this, I never know what to do for the best. The want to go swimming. I can't take them, I'm off work with an injury.

NotQuiteSoDesperate Mon 29-Aug-11 22:31:21

TheDreamWeaver The name is not from that actually. It's because life in this household is very difficult at times - DH and DS1 are both disabled and things get TotallyUtterlyDesperate (my previous name) on a regular basis! Things are a bit better at the moment though... until next time!

I can't give you any good advice as I don't have any experience with what you are going through, but I'm sure other people will be along and will help. There are some fantastic people on this board.

Maybe you could read some of the other threads in Relationships and see how some of the brave women on here are dealing with so much shit from their partners and how they get out of relationships like this. I wish you all the luck in the world.

TheDreamWeaver Mon 29-Aug-11 22:37:25

Ah, I see! grin) Mine is from a John Lennon song..
I have been reading other threads, thankyou. It inspired me to post actually. It is lurking on this thread that I learned so much about things he was doing to me, realising it's so damaging through other peoples' experiences, and I've been absolutely astounded, and SO impressed with the people who take time to lend a shoulder, and pretty much know what to say! Truly inspiring!

NotQuiteSoDesperate Mon 29-Aug-11 22:40:12

MN is a fantastic site - all these amazing people helping each other smile

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