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Advice needed please re XP

(13 Posts)
NellyNoKnicks Mon 29-Aug-11 00:35:03

About 4 months ago XP decided he didn't want to continue our relationship, packed his bags and left the next day. The relationship had been a bit flat at that time as we had his brother living with us (who was a nightmare), DS had been ill (catching everything going at nursery) and my mum was admitted to hospital with pneumonia. I thought we could have worked on it, he disagreed stating once he'd left that he had no feelings for me.

At that time, he knew I only worked part-time and only earned minimum wage- with no savings, he wanted us out of the house and asked 4 DAYS after he'd gone when we would be moving. Eventually after having a house fall through that I'd got my heart set on (my parents agreed to loan me the deposit) he agreed it would make sense for me and DS to stay in the house - I know that his reasons were not working enough hours that month and he couldn't afford to pay the rent as shortly afterwards he stopped paying rent and cancelled all bills, obviously leaving me up shit creek - until my tax credits were processed.

I found out 6 weeks ago that he'd uploaded a profile on an internet dating site a month before he told me it was over - using a picture of him and our son together as his profile picture. I politely asked him to take it down - he lied that he'd ever had a dating profile, and I believe he constantly lies to me about everything.

Since then, and despite massive efforts by me to keep things amicable, including unrestricted visits to his son (as I wanted to keep things as normal as possible for DS) and him coming to my house to see him as he moved in with a friend miles away and bending over backwards to allow him the time that fits in with his work schedule, he continues to treat me as the enemy, either not paying any maintenance to me for his son, criticising my parenting, telling me he'll be over on x, y, z day to see DS and then cancelling all of the days and leaving me to pick up the pieces.

Last month he stated that he had had a massive fine and would really struggle to pay maintenance, I agreed telling him that it was a 'one off' and I couldn't cover him for any longer than one month.

Tonight he dropped DS off and then told me he couldnt afford maintenance again this month and do I really need all the money, in the next breath he said I'm going to a theme park friday and down to London on Saturday and his new gf will be there (he has him Saturday and Sunday) - despite me asking him to wait for a few months to see if she was right for him as I didn't want him being introduced to a string of women.

I am particularly annoyed, as when we were together all money we had was spent on him and him doing what he wanted (as he was main breadwinner) and I couldn't get through to him that DS also needed money spent on him for clothes/toys etc.

How do I get through this and put my foot down with XP so that he doesn't keep taking the piss? I'm not great at confrontation but cannot spend the rest of DS's childhood being spoken to like I'm an imbecile and I don't see why DS should have to keep going without things because his dad wants to spend the money that should be going on DS's upkeep on himself and his new GF.

Any advice would be gratefully received and apologies for the long post.

solidgoldbrass Mon 29-Aug-11 00:40:36

Consult a lawyer and set the CSA on your XP. Don't wait around hoping that he will be reasonable: he won't because he's a wanker. Remember that no matter what he might say to you, he is not above the law and he is not entitled to have everything his own way.

HerHissyness Mon 29-Aug-11 00:41:49

SGB beat me to it, and better too!

What she said^

NellyNoKnicks Mon 29-Aug-11 00:42:29

Thanks sgb, I had been hoping not to go down that route, but it seems I'm going to have to aren't I?

NellyNoKnicks Mon 29-Aug-11 00:45:57

Thanks also HerHissyness, I have put it off hoping it would improve, but deep down I know it wont, any tips for getting a backbone and not taking anymore shit?

Maxine28 Mon 29-Aug-11 00:46:12

Okay... you do have a few options... The maintenance arrangements were they amicably decided between both of you, or was it settled through the CSA? Obviously you don't want to put him off of being a father by dragging him through the CSA, but it means that you will always have the security of the payment every month, this will be vital to keep yourself afloat and avoid having to work 2 jobs on minimum wage, leading to missing out on your sons childhood.
The only other option you have is to explain to him that he needs to grow up and start acting like the father that he is. Remind him that your son should take priority over ANYTHING including new women and theme parks. His attitude is childish and selfish!!
Obviously it is easier said than done to confront someone... But maybe get a friend to be around when you do it. Or try to make it as 'casual' as possible to make it easier on yourself smile

kayah Mon 29-Aug-11 00:51:57

I think he is trying (and winning so far) to postpone the CSA route.

Who's the daddy then - him, as he has regular contact with his son and money too.

A loosing party is you and your son.

HerHissyness Mon 29-Aug-11 00:52:52

Remember that he buggered off and then kind of told you to get out after 4 days... He did this to make the way clear to shag other poor unfortunate women. You and his DS were in the way of his sexlife.

that ought to be a start into riling you up.

Remember too that the money he is supposed to be paying is to help YOU sustain and care for HIS DC, so while you are there bending over backwards trying to keep everything normal, keep the contact as much as possible with this utterly callous and despicable man, he is prioritising everything and anything over you and the DC.

If he had a large fine, he could have spoken to the court or wherever and explained his situation, in that he had a maintenance agreement with you and that his DC would suffer if he paid it all out. Why could he not have come to an agreement with whoever issued the fine? Are you even sure there WAS a fine?

And now he wants to stiff you THIS month too?

GET BLOODY ANGRY FGS! (sorry for shouting...) This weasel is conning your son out of clothes, food, heating and lighting! How shitty can you get?

NellyNoKnicks Mon 29-Aug-11 00:57:49

Thanks Maxine28 We agreed the payments between us, I suggested an amount (which I looked up on CSA website so it would be fair), which he agreed to and has never paid in full. He gave me nothing the first month and then half the month after, the next month he gave me all but £50, the month after that I agreed he could NOT pay as his fine was ridiculous and then this month he has told me he is struggling again, but then told me about the plans and the introducing the new GF.

I have pulled him up repeatedly since he left as he bleats on that DS is the most important thing to him in the world - initially his contact was every few evenings and the weekends, he kept dropping DS back ridiculously early (after 2.5 hours) and I told him a few home truths and he seemed to be getting better with access. The access he has now is fine as I informed him that I would tell DS that his dad wasn't coming in the week if he asked after himso that he will only expect to see him at the weekends and I don't have a disappointed DS when I can't give him a definite answer about his dad.

NellyNoKnicks Mon 29-Aug-11 01:00:22

I know, thanks HerHissyness and kayah, I am furious, hence why I am up so late (for me). I know I am banging my head against a brick wall trying to reason with him - I just wanted you lovely ladies to kick my arse into sorting it out! Thank you!

Maxine28 Mon 29-Aug-11 01:20:01

Oh dear! What a sponge he appears to be. You could always bump him off? No i am only joking. But in all honesty the CSA appears to be the only option if he is unable to deal with it like a mature adult!! Keep us updated and just think of angry things before you begin your conversation with him. If you are fired up then it will allow you to say everything you want to and you wont feel the need to hedge around things! Straight and to the point!

NellyNoKnicks Mon 29-Aug-11 09:33:29

Well that has crossed my mind grin

I am going to have a word with him when he next phones about DS and if he is unreasonable, I will be straight on the phone to the CSA.

Think I took the advice about getting angry with XP a bit too literally as it took me ages to stop thinking about all the torturous ways to shame him into paying.

Thanks all grin

HerHissyness Mon 29-Aug-11 10:43:50

You can't reason with him, as SGB said, he's a tosser of the highest order.

Let the CSA do the talking for you.
No sympathy, no kindness, no allowances for him. NONE.

Be ICE COLD. detached and focussed.

Go and see the CAB too, make sure you are getting all you are entitled to.

Don't take all of this lying down, get up and FIGHT!


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