My boyfriend ignores me...

[Maxine28]

Hello,
This may sound rather odd to many but i'm not really sure where else to go for advice. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, we live together and get along really well, i am pretty sure that he is matched perfectly to me... The thing is, in the last couple of months he has become less interested in me... He has a new job and is working long hours, but has stopped appreciating the things that i do (that he used to) such as cooking dinner, cleaning the house, even making myself look nice for him. He gets home from work and would rather go to sleep and pretend that i'm not around. Whenever i ask him why he is ignoring me he claims that he isn't. I myself will admit that it's not blatant ignorance, i guess i just want a bit of attention. Is this selfish? I have begun exercising and attempting to loose weight to spice up our sex life, but once again i feel as if he is not interested... or as he says 'too tired'. I always thought it was the man who was supposed to be craving sex... i feel as if sometimes i am begging him to love me...

I know it sounds as if he is an ignorant bastard from what i have said but the problem is that he is a wonderful person and i love him dearly...

I just want him to notice me...
If anyone can help, i would be more than grateful...

Max

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I can't help you make him notice you, but what struck me about your post was that it sounds like your world revolves around him. You cook and clean and make yourself look nice for him, and now that he's stopped appreciating that/commenting on that all the time your response is to exercise and lose weight and try harder. You said yourself it's like you're begging him to love you.

Without knowing whether he's actually ignoring you, it can be pretty exhausting living with someone who spends a lot of time trying to get your attention, so that you feel like you have to comment on every new shirt or the fact that they've cleaned the kitchen. Obviously it's nice to be appreciated, but do you think that maybe it's just that you've now been living together for a while, and he doesn't feel like commenting every time? I know you're very young, have you lived together for a long time or is it more recent?

What you need to do, I think, is stop focusing all your energies on him, whether he loves you enough, whether he notices you enough, whether he gives you enough feedback. And concentrate on you. Go out with your friends. Concentrate on your career, or your studies. Dress up if you want to, but dress up for you, not for him. Stop thinking so much about how to make him love you more, and start thinking about whether you love you.

[Lizzabadger]

I see from your (very wise) post on another thread that you are 18, so presumably you got together with this man when you were 15/16 and he must be one of your first boyfriends. It may well be that you are growing apart as you grow up and the relationship will soon have run its course.
If I can offer you some advice from an 'older' perspective (and I really don't mean this to be condescending) it is to invest your energies in yourself, rather than scivvying for some man, just as tortoise said. Boyfriends come and go. You live with yourself for good.

[LostInTransmogrification]

I would wonder if there are any women around at his new job and he is interested in one of them. He says he isn't ignoring you, but you know he is. Trust your instinct, not what he says (people do lie). I agree with Tortoise, stop focusing on him so much, do things for yourself.

[MmeLindor.]

Agree with Lost and the others.

Is there any chance that he could be interested in someone else, perhaps even involved in someone else?

Do you have children with him?

[SmellySkidMarks]

My ex went like this when he started a new job. I was the same age as you and my world revolved around him in the same way. It turned out he'd become interested in someone else at his work.

I'm 30 now and looking back I believe this happened because we got together too young and when he was "set free" into the big world - he realised there were other options out there. Things were never the same after he started that job and we split up 2 years later. I was heartbroken because he was my entire world. Only now do I realise how unhealthy it is to allow another adult to become the heart of everything.

Go out with your friends, get a hobby which gives you a life outside of the home, start a new college course or increase your current qualifications. Live your life for you, not him.

[Xales]

How long has he had the new job? To be honest when I start a new job I normally go home head reeling and just want to curl under the duvet and sleep, I can't even eat!

I agree with the others. Get out there. Do things for yourself. Get friends and hobbies, anything so that you are not reliant on him for friendship and companions.

Also you are not his skivvy. If he lived alone he would have to come home and cook, tidy etc for himself. By all means do more if you have more free time but don't just be a servant/housekeeper/chef for him.

[EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions]

What do you do? Sorry to have picked up on your age but I think it's relevant. Do you work? Did he used to be unemployed/studying and so at home with you a lot more?

Teenage relationships tend to be without lots of the cares and worries that come later (presuming no kids, mortgage etc) and you can end up spending lots of time together and getting very intensely involved in each other. It sounds to me like he's got a serious job and doesn't have as much energy to give to you - but that's quite normal IMO. I suggest you get out there, get a job or go to college, and stop making him your focus - if you are in a strong relationship you will be fine as a couple, or you will grow up/apart and be fine separately.

[buzzsorekillington]

I think your best bet is, like the others have suggested, to stop having him as the centre of everything you do and start focussing on what you want (not having the answer just of 'him'). If you get a career or course or hobby or start your own business, whatever, you'll start being that much more independent (and more interesting as a side-effect).

He is being a bit of an arse by not appreciating what he has in you or not showing that he does, but the answer to that is not to keep trying harder to be whatever it is you think he wants (the perfect Stepford Wife?) - but to find out what there is out there for you.

[SingleMan25b]

I'm with Xales on this one.

Whenever I've started a new job, I find I get tired really quickly and need an enormous amount of sleep.