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(11 Posts)
Bear1984 Sun 28-Aug-11 21:13:53

I was wondering what peoples' views are on this? What is it like? Did you find it worthwhile?

The reason I ask is that my mum has asked me to do it with her and most of me thinks it is pointless as we are just never going to get on, however I feel that it may be of benefit if a third party could make her see that she can be wrong and that sometimes she really should just listen. Not because I feel that this would possibly improve our relationship, as we are far past that, but to at least hope someone else can see things from my POV and express this to my mum without her feeling like I'm just blaming her because she's my mum.

FabbyChic Sun 28-Aug-11 21:21:49

If you want to resolve your differences and get on then you could give it a try, however if you feel that you will still be the same and there is no further roads to travel together then don't go.

However, at least she is putting out the olive branch.

Makeyerowndamndinner Sun 28-Aug-11 21:44:03

It can be helpful I think to discuss issues that cause conflict in a neutral setting with an impartial facillitator.

I also think mediation is the same as every other profession - you get some really good ones and some not so good ones. Mediators I mean.

It also depends on what the cause of conflict between yourself and your mother is. Mediation is not suitable if there has been any form of abuse in the relationship and a decent mediator will call a halt to things if they suspect that is the case.

snoopdogg Sun 28-Aug-11 21:50:28

What has motivated this?

Mediation rarely works with manipulative people unless the mediator is very skilled. They can get their own agenda 'on the board first' so to speak and you may end up defending yourself.

Your mediator should give you both the opportunity to express your points of view of the relationship and then look for points where you can move forward, agree to disagree etc.

Be careful. I tried mediation with my ex and the mediator was excellent in that she identified in the first session that there was no moving forward on his part, he wanted his way or nothing and he was prepared to try to intimidate me to get it. In the second session she explained to him that mediation did not work that way and when he refused to compromise told us that mediation was not for us.

If you do go for it, be prepared for disappointment. However, at worst, it could confirm your current feelings and at best actually provide a way forward in a supportive environment.

Good luck.

Bear1984 Sun 28-Aug-11 22:14:35

Thanks for your messages.

Basically, trying to keep the story as short as I can, me and my mum have a long history. Starting with her abusing me as a child but not my siblings. Then as an adult she belittles me, undermines my parenting and started to fill DD's head with horrible things about me, telling her I didn't do anything for DD, that I was a lazy mother, that DD shouldn't listen to me, and other horrible things I won't get into now. I stopped contact between my mum and DD as that was the final straw. I won't let her dare poison my child's mind!

However, I was informed by my sister, who I despise more than my mum, that my mum was getting legal aid to find out her rights as a grandparent and about taking me to court. After being advised by my friend about her friend who was taken to court by her parents who got visitation rights to see her kids and take them abroad on holiday, I spoke to my mum.

She hasn't changed one bit, denying she said anything to DD and that she's done nothing wrong. She mentioned mediation. Like I said, I know that our relationship will never be the same, and I'm well aware of that. But I was considering going ahead with it, not to go into my issues as I wouldn't ever bring those up to her, but more to perhaps show her and to have a third party (hopefully) agree that she can be wrong, and that she needs to open her mind to that.

Saying that, I don't want that to happen so it can at all affect our relationship, as I think we're pretty much done, there isn't any hope. But I also don't want to end up going to court with her and having them decide what is best for my child when I know what is iyswim.

snoopdogg Sun 28-Aug-11 22:30:40

very wary in these circs, get some advice, free 30 mins with solicitor? It seems to me very unlikely that she would get a contact order and you need to be wary of getting draw in into mediation where you could be undermined.

You know the woman - trust your judgement - it is positive for her to have on-going contact with you or your daughter?

solidgoldbrass Sun 28-Aug-11 22:39:08

Mediation doesn't work with abusive people, end of. See a solicitor instead and find out the best way of protecting yourself against your cow of a mother.

Bear1984 Sun 28-Aug-11 22:44:15

Thanks. I have thought of this, but I've read quite a few cases where it always ends up with the grandparents getting contact despite their flaws, whether abuse or things that have happened to make their children want to keep them away from their grandchildren. I know my sister and brothers would stand by my mum's side and deny all of what she has done or said, and it will be very much my word against theirs. I feel very much that I will be fighting a lost battle, although I haven't given up yet.

But a good idea with also getting legal advice snoopdogg. I know she loves my DD very much, as my DD does her. But I don't trust her, nor want her near DD. I can't risk her being that way with DD.

fargate Sun 28-Aug-11 22:45:48

Is your mother 'going thro' the motions' in seeking mediation so that she can obtain legal aid?

As everyone else has said I'd be wary. You don't need to agree to it.

Bear1984 Sun 28-Aug-11 23:04:41

Thanks. I know my mum is on a low income which has made me wonder if she has been able to get legal aid, as we are all in our 20s now. At first I thought it was a scare tactic, but now I'm wondering. But then again mediation could have been mentioned through the doctors. A few years back I had a nervous breakdown, mostly thanks to my mum (and again she denied she had any part in it and if I had to blame someone, she supposed it best be her then...) and they suggested family counselling at the time.

Bear1984 Sun 28-Aug-11 23:27:34

Though I just found a legal aid eligibility calculator and it told me that you have to have a disposable income of no more than £733 a month. My mum is a supervisor where she works, although it is only about 30hrs she does, she also does childminding, and does quite a bit of overtime as well. So with knowing that, I doubt she would be eligible, but as my DP just mentioned, she may not have told them about the childminding, so it's hard to say.

But saying that, I will get legal advice. I'm currently trying to search for solicitors in my area and whether any of them say I can get help. I should be able to get legal aid as well, as I've just started my own business and not earning £733 a month, so shall see how that goes as well.

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