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To be thinking of leaving my unabusive, perfectly nice dh?

(58 Posts)
Dazedandalittleconfused Sun 28-Aug-11 17:59:29

Bit of backgroud- I´m 23 and married dh when I was 20 and 5 months pregnant. He is a nice man and I care about him a lot, he´s my best friend.The problem is I don´t fancy him, I´m not sure I am actually in love with him and I wonder whether I can just spend my whole life married to him, never having a chance to experience that real ´big love´. On the one hand we have a nice life and do get on well, but on the other hand I feel trapped and depressed. I feel like I´m only still with him so as not to disrupt our ds´s life and also because I dont even know how to get out.

WhoTheFuckIsAnna Sun 28-Aug-11 18:00:40

You would probably find it better to move this to relationships, they are very nice there smile

Dazedandalittleconfused Sun 28-Aug-11 18:01:37

Do you know how I can do that Anna? Im not sure I want a flaming!

CailinDana Sun 28-Aug-11 18:03:02

Of course you can leave him, whenever you want. There's no point in staying in a relationship just for the sake of it, no one will thank you for that in the end. However, before you do anything drastic I would advise you to think carefully about whether you're really at the end of the road with this relationship. Do you remember times that were really good with your DH? Have things drifted since your son was born? All relationships become difficult at times and it's not advisable to leave one marriage hoping that a future one will be all sunshine and flowers. It won't. Don't leave in the hope of finding someone else, leave because you really can't see a future with your DH. Take your time to decide, but if you feel it really is the right thing to do, do it.

BTW don't spring this on your DH at the last minute, talk to him about it, right away.

lachesis Sun 28-Aug-11 18:03:41

You need to sort out your depression first before doing anything. And let me tell you something else, because I had to learn this the hard way and I will pay for that the rest of my life, the real 'big love' is not a reality. It's something made up to sell you films and books.

Even if you do marry someone whom you feel is 'big love', it's work. There's swings and roundabouts. You're often bored, sometimes you feel alone. Yes, even when you marry the 'big love'.

Don't live your life according to silly myths and fairy-tales. The fact is that life is often a hard slog.

First thing, get in to see a GP and get your depression sorted.

Because now that you have a child, it's no long all about you and what you want, you have to consider others as well.

gillybean2 Sun 28-Aug-11 18:16:30

Agree with Lachesis that 'the big love' is unrealistic. It is fed to us and we lap it up in films and books but it is not reality of love in a relationship. In much the same way that porn films are not the reality of sex in a relationship.

I think you may regret it at some point when you find that the reality of big love isn't out there and what you have given up. But there is no point is being miserable in a loveless relationship either. So if that is what is causing your depression and it can't be fixed then yes you should leave and give you both the chance to find happiness and love with a compatible partner.

So you need to sort out your depression and possibly seek some outside help on ways to bring romance and excitement to your realtionship. Unless you really don't think it's worth saving. Either way you should start talking to your partner to see if you can fix it or come to an ammicable agreement to separate.

WhoTheFuckIsAnna Sun 28-Aug-11 18:18:46

Dazedandalittleconfused I'm sure you won't get flamed but if you want to move it, it the report button (on the right same line as your name)

greencolorpack Sun 28-Aug-11 18:19:49

Agree with Lachesis. The way you've worded the thread title implies you are already pretty guilty about feeling this way. You would be breaking up your family for a pretty whimsical reason. What if you left this guy and never met Mr Romantic Ideal? Bit of a pisser for your ds and dh.

If I were you I would work with what you've got and put some effort into falling in love with your dh. It is possible to do this.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sun 28-Aug-11 18:37:42

Depending on what's going on generally in our lives and with our moods it's easy to fall in, and out, of love with our significant others.

In saying I care about him a lot, he´s my best friend it's clear that you have something worth holding on to and it may be that rekindling the fire won't take a great deal of effort.

There was a recent thread where the OP was advised to go off with her DH for a day of extreme sport - white water rafting, bungee jumping, theme park scary rides or similar - because an adrenaline rush could well be all it needs to lift your relationship to another level.

As for the 'real big love' - as lachesis has said, it looks highly desirable on the big screen with soaring music and no need for the perfectly coiffed heroine to wash his dirty socks, put up with his farting and less than tasteful personal habits, sort out all the mundane aspects of life (budgeting and the daily grind), and stress about if she's losing her figure/mind etc plus, of course, it usually lasts for less than 2 hours.

Many thousands of women wish they hadn't been blinded by the fireworks and would give anything to have reliable, honest, dh that they could call their best friend.

Don't throw away what you've got just because you may be temporarily depressed and not thinking straight; all marriages have highs and lows - talk to your GP about your depression and start rekindling intimacy with your dh.

frazzle26 Sun 28-Aug-11 18:43:59

Think really carefully before you do anything rash. What you've described sounds like you may just be feeling a bit depressed?? Maybe this feeling will pass and you will realise that what you have got is fantastic. Or maybe the feeling of depression will pass and you will still feel the same about DH. Either way don't do anything without thinking about it carefully as you may live to regret it.

squeakytoy Sun 28-Aug-11 18:50:47

The others are right. Married life isnt all hearts, roses and like the movies.

You married very young though.. and this is one of the pitfalls, because when you look back at yourself in ten years time, you will be a completely different person to the one you were at 20.

On the one hand, if you stay in the marriage you may regret it.. but equally if you leave because you are craving excitement, that isnt all it is cracked up to be, and you could end up making the biggest mistake of your life.

Plenty of people who get married young can go on to have a successful long marriage.. even if the odds are against it, but you have to work on it. And I think at 23, when the majority of your mates are out dating, having fun, no tied, no commitments.. it can be very easy to get envious of their freedom and want to be part of that.

garlicnutter Sun 28-Aug-11 19:00:59

I'm strongly in favour of ditching a relationship that doesn't make you happy. But I also think you need to consider other factors before deciding the relationship is the problem. A toddler is one of those factors; babies are knackering!

I think you should wait another year, and put in some effort specifically on creating happy times during that year. Go do fun things with DH, get a sitter and have a weekend away as a couple, take baby away together to some things neither of you have ever done before, have a few big nights out with friends. See how it goes smile

Wishiwasarestaurantcritic Sun 28-Aug-11 19:02:53

You really owe it to yourself, your DH and your child to not give up so easily. Have a think about how sad your DS is going to be when he has to uproot, think about the potential for DS having a stepmother in the future if your DH moves on and how you'll cope with that, think about how crap your DH is going to feel when after having been so nice he is left and his son taken away. (unless he keeps him of course?). No, I'm not flaming you, I'm being real here...grass is always greener and if you haven't talked and given it a really good try then you will bitterly regret it. Marriage is hard work but can just get better and better (DH being your best friend is an excellent start...the deep love is the 'big love' ..you already have it.) ..and you can start fancying someone again..sudden lust can be very shortlived! Get yourself an interest, have some fun together and hang on in there. A 2 yo is hard work and it can be very lonely, but it just gets better, I promise!

Fluffycloudland77 Sun 28-Aug-11 19:07:21

Other people with lo on here say the relationship isn't as passionate, is it just natures way of getting us to concentrate on raising kids not shagging 4 times a day.

I'd imagine a 2yo is bloody hard work for you both.

Maryz Sun 28-Aug-11 19:11:41

You need to figure out which came first, the depression or the not fancying him bit.

If you never fancied him, and only married him because you were pregnant, then you should look at maybe moving on. But if you fancied him at the beginning, treat the depression first, and figure out the relationship later.

And whatever you do, talk to him about this. He may feel the same way, or he may be madly in love with you and willing to sweep you off your feet again, or he may be desperately worried about you being depressed and be afraid to rock the boat in case he makes things worse for you.

TeamDamon Sun 28-Aug-11 19:13:27

The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's just different grass.

Be very careful of throwing away what you have for some nebulous fantasy.

exoticfruits Sun 28-Aug-11 19:13:28

I would deal with the depression first-anyone would feel the same at such a young age and tied down. People think someone else would solve the problem, but the grass is rarely greener.

limetrees Sun 28-Aug-11 19:49:06

I would add to the general caution here - be very careful about leaving your DH under these circumstances.

Life with a 2yo is often very stressful and there can be little time left for the couple. The first 2 years of a child's life are a huge flashpoint for breakups.

Read the step families/step parenting boards before you decide that breaking up your little family is the best course of action.

HappyCamel Sun 28-Aug-11 19:58:32

Quit reading romantic novels! The mad passionate bit doesn't last (especially when you're chasing around after a toddler). If he's your best friend then that's what married life is all about.

Having said that life can get a bit dull and routinised. Can you get a babysitter and go on some date nights? How about setting a budget and then getting each other some nice treats. Can you go on holiday or dome days out together?

Hold hands, snog on the sofa, share a hobby. Sometimes being a mum takes over from being a lover and a wife.

FabbyChic Sun 28-Aug-11 20:01:05

You are too young to be settled, I met my kids dad when I was 20, by the time I was 30 I had outgrown him and become someone totaly different. You don't actually grow until you reach 30.

If you are not happy and are certain it is over for you you need to tell him, to not do so is mean, because he could be happy with someone else, and everybody deserves to be with someone who loves them not just puts up with them for the sake of circumstances.

You need to try people on for size for a few years until you have fully matured.

lachesis Sun 28-Aug-11 20:28:28

I highly recommend reading the step-parenting and step-families boards as well. You will both eventually move on, and these boards give you insight into how blended families can work, or not.

Plenty of people do stay with someone they got together with when they were 20.

My mother is one of them. She has been with my father since she was 19. They have been married for 47 years.

It has been work, on both their parts, at times. Even the happiest of marriages are.

If you watched Sex and The City last night, well, it's a film.

FabbyChic Sun 28-Aug-11 20:30:30

It worked 30 years ago because it was the done thing to stay with someone you married forever because divorce was frowned upon.

However, nowadays? I'd never recommend settling down until you were at least 30.

Malificence Sun 28-Aug-11 20:35:19

"Too young to be settled" - how very insulting.
You might have outgrown your husband by the time you were 30, lots of people don't, myself included, my values and outlook are the same now as when I married at 18.
I agree with the others when they say to give it a bit of time and thought - if you think you are suffering from depression, that can colour your whole life , until you are happy with yourself, you are not in a good position to make life changing decisions.
Get some counselling, work on yourself and then figure out where your husband fits in , nobody is saying to stay in an unhappy marriage, but until you are sure that it's your relationship with your husband contributing to how you feel, you could be ruining 3 lives - you owe it to all of you to get this right.

lachesis Sun 28-Aug-11 20:37:54

'It worked 30 years ago because it was the done thing to stay with someone you married forever because divorce was frowned upon.'

I have plenty of friends in their 30s and 40s still going strong who got together in their teens. hmm Generalising is ridiculous because it works for plenty of people.

Plenty of people on here, even (xpost with Mal but also Hulababy and some others I can think of).

And, as someone who didn't have a baby until I was 32, I wish nearly every day I'd started younger.

Again, what works for some doesn't work for everyone.

Just because you outgrew your spouse doesn't mean everyone will be the same or that a marriage is doomed because the people married young.

What a daft thing to write (but unsurprising).

michelleseashell Sun 28-Aug-11 21:00:52

Is there something that has triggered these feelings like a little crush on someone else or feeling envious of someone you know's relationship?

Was it something you saw on the tv or read in a book that got you thinking?

Not to make out that those things are trivial AT ALL. Truly. Just interested in the genesis of the idea that things aren't right.

I completely get what you're talking about by the way. But I do agree with the posters that it's worth a good long ruminate

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