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Feeling so alone

(16 Posts)
DearestWindsock Sun 28-Aug-11 16:29:55

I have name changed for this. Since having DD 4 months ago I've been struggling to cope with the way my body has changed. This has largely been due to the fact that my DP has said that he can't have sex with me until I've lost weight because I am unattractive. At the moment its worse than ever because its been 4 months and beginning to feel that he doesn't want to spend time with me either. I want to lose the weight for myself but its so hard to convince myself to leave the house because I feel like everyone will be looking at me like he does and saying that I look disgusting. when I do manage to get out its not for long because DD is still having 3 hourly feeds.I can feel it spiralling out of control with me beginning to isolate myself and leave the house less and less and DP pulling away because he can see me shutting myself off. And all the time there's what he thinks going round and round in my head. We've had massive discussions about what this means in our relationship and we know that these feelings come from the fact that hes trying to process having a baby. We are young and he struggled to accept that we were pregnant for a long time so that when DD was born for a while he wouldn't even pick her up and resented the effect she had on me in taking my time and my body. He is getting better though and now loves spending time with her playing etc but the issues with me remain. Im just feeling so alone and don't know how much more of this I can take. Yesterday I stupidly skipped a few meals because I was feeling that I was disgusting and just didn't want to eat anything. As a result today Ive ended up eating loads and making myself feel ill and making me feel even more disgusted with the way I look. Sorry for the length - just needed to get this off my chest.

MilkandWine Sun 28-Aug-11 17:07:49

Windsock Didn't want to leave this unanswered as your post is really shocking and you sound as if you are at the end of your tether.

Firstly your partner is being an arse of the highest order. His attitude and comments are utterly unacceptable, and frankly you have far more important things to deal with than how he feels about your weight. You have just given birth to his child for gods sake and he should be helping you and supporting you in every way that he can. The last thing on your mind should be loosing weight, you have enough to cope with as a young, first time mother.

Please, please do not let his horrid behaviour lead you to start starving and binging. He should be thoroughly ashamed of the fact that his words are leading you to do such things. You are breastfeeding and need to be nourishing yourself with healthy, well balanced meals. Yours and your DDs health should be your first priority.

Do you have family/friends supporting you in RL? You really need people you can lean on in and confide in. Cutting yourself off from the outside world is going to lead to depression and have a very negative effect on you and your DD. Hopefully others will be along with better advice shortly but please do take care of yourself.

DearestWindsock Sun 28-Aug-11 17:15:02

Thanks milk. No theres no one in RL as I live 200 miles away from family. I try and tell myself exactly what you've said but then his words start going round in my head and I look in the mirror and it gets too much.

TheOriginalFAB Sun 28-Aug-11 17:30:19

It took you 9 months for you to grow a whole person, it is quite normal for it to take 9 months at least to lose the weight. My baby is now 6 and I am over weight. That is 6 years, not months.

DH has said he would like me to lose the weight but he knows I come from a family of fat women and he worries for my health.

There are ways and means to get your point across without being a dick.

Poshbaggirl Sun 28-Aug-11 17:42:25

Sorry you are in this horrible situation. Do you think you need to lose weight? If so, how much? Don't get depressed, just get a plan together for yourself and start tomorrow. Do it so you feel better, not for anyone else. Its your life. Could you try an hours walk with the pram everyday? Its gorgeous at this time of year and you can chat/sing to the baby and the excercise increases levels of seratonin in the brain, which is the feel good hormone. Let us know how you feel tomorrow. smile

DearestWindsock Sun 28-Aug-11 17:49:35

yeah I do - I put on 2 stone during pregnancy and have GAINED weight since. Its getting the confidence to leave the house thats hard - once Im out its not so bad. I literally get so worked up I hyperventilate. I hate being like this - I used to be so confident.

CailinDana Sun 28-Aug-11 17:53:53

Time to go to the GP I think, it sounds like you're becoming depressed. The obsessive thoughts and the sense of hopelessness are not normal. Most people worry about their weight at times but this seems to be taking over your life and spoiling your time with your little baby so I would advise you to go the GP and tell him/her exactly how you feel.

In the meantime try replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones. Focus on your baby - your body has changed because you're done the amazing thing of growing your little daughter. I take it you're breastfeeding? In that case it is essential that you eat to maintain your supply. She's depending on you.

Needless to say your partner is an absolute asshole. Try your best to disregard what he says and in the long term think about getting away from him, he's really damaging you.

ledkr Sun 28-Aug-11 18:16:44

Wow! How old is he? That is really quite shocking for him to be so open,no wonder you feel down.
I had my 5th baby 6 months ago and i am still 2 stone more than i was,i am a size 16 for the first time in my life,i cant fit into any of my clothes and have lost a lot of my confidence.
However,my dh who is 10 yrs younger and as fit as can be spends timne reassuring me and telling me i look lovely whilst also supporting my numerous attempts to diet,im sure he prefers me as i was but appreciates what i went thru to have our dd.
My self esteem is bad as it is without anyone adding to it.
I am looking into ways of getting it off,probably shredding and slimming world but i will do it in my own time and whilst enjoying my baby and maternity leave and if that means cakes and lattes then so be it. I have been given prozac for pnd and feel much better for it.I aggree a trip to the Drs is in order and tell dh to shut up and certainly dont listen to or believe his crap,he is showing some major character flaws and he cant diet them away.

ledkr Sun 28-Aug-11 18:18:53

oh yes-can i recommend keeping nice hair make up and nails,its helped me regain a little confidence. Superficial i know but its worked.

DearestWindsock Sun 28-Aug-11 18:38:51

We are both 20 - I was breastfeeding but had to stop which I think is when the negative self image began to form - letting DD down etc. DD has been coming first since she arrived which is what DP finds hard - that I love spending time with her etc. At least he understands the importance of keeping our problems away from her and keeps to himself when hes feeling cross about things and we never argue until shes in bed. Its made harder by the fact that he had eating problems just a year ago and I think the whole body image thing has something to do with that. I think what we need really is to sit down and discuss his feelings about DD - I know he resented her at first and I think hes really struggled to adjust. If we could just get things out in the open I know he would stop nitpicking at me. But the weight issue is more a problem because I ma very petite and so the weight gain really shows. Im not happy with it and thats given him encouragement to make negative comments. Unfortunately hes not the sort of person that finds it easy to talk about things.

ledkr Sun 28-Aug-11 22:58:00

You are both very young,i was too and it certainly isnt easy. He does sound as if he has some issues with body image as well but you cannot change his behaviour only your own.
Tell him he's being bloody rude and that you fully intend to lose the weight when you are ready and that it is perfectly normal for a woman not to snap back into shape straight away. Show him you may have some baby fat but there is nothing wrong with your brain and that you are still a capable strong woman with a baby who needs you.
Can you speak to your hv and get info on the sure start centre nearest you,they can offer support and also hold young parents groups,also see your gp as you may be depressed,its normal to feel guilty if you stop bf but at least you tried.
Come back and let us know how you are doing.

LineRunner Sun 28-Aug-11 23:07:53

God that sounds so horrible for you. Your DP's being a really immature dick.

No-one loses weight when they're under such emotional pressure. Tell him to back off, be a good dad, show you a bit of respect and you'll do what's right for you in your own good time.

It's a great idea above, to join a local group.

Good luck. And congratulations on your baby.

DearestWindsock Mon 29-Aug-11 07:00:03

Thanks everyone for the comments . ledkr when you say show him that there is nothing wrong with your brain - dont even get me started! I was always clever but since leaving my job to be a full time mum his respect for my brain has gone out the window - again I think its an age thing. All our friends are at uni and so is he. I was meant to be but had taken a year out and then fell pregnant. He just sees the whole thing as me changing and giving up on my brain, my body and my relationship.

Anyway had a really good cry last night and have woken up this morning feeling determined that Im going to get past this. DD is still asleep so Im going to grab a shower get her feed ready and then Im going out this morning. <wobbles slightly>

thanks ladies - just having someone else tell me its not ok to be made to feel like this is helping me find the strength to start making changes. x

Poshbaggirl Mon 29-Aug-11 07:25:28

Determination!
I had DD when i was 23, (now 41)no help or support, but was determined to be a good Mummy. I've ended up on my own. XH is a knobhead, but i have two girls that I'm really proud of and started and run my own business. (not been easy and i wobble at every stage, but just keep getting up again)
The only thing stopping you is yourself!
Imagine what you want and believe you can get it. Keep focusing on positive mental images and write it down in a 'positive' diary. Are you going for a good long walk?
Hope you have a lovely day! You can do it girl!

ledkr Mon 29-Aug-11 10:44:29

This is an all too common scenario love,even i have had to remind dh that i am a sw on mat leave and not a bloody unpaid nanny. It sounds as if you would enjoy being back at uni and this would improve your confidence.I did my nurse training at 19 with 2 small boys,i was part time and the college were really helpfull. It is also worth knowing that should dp carry on being an arse that you would find it more helpfull to be a single Mum as would get fees reduced and help with childcare.
He feels secure being horrible as he believes you are reliant upon him and will therefore put up with his nastiness. Show him you are still the intelligent outgoing person you were before and tell him that actually you really dont fancy sex with him either as he has bo and a bad attitude grin
Enjoy your walk.Can you also join mn post natal group on here,they have been invaluable to me. Just search for the month she was born in post natal and join in.

pickgo Mon 29-Aug-11 11:20:07

I was only thinking the other day, no man should be a father until they're 30 - they're generally just so immature in comparison to women.

Tell him if he can't say anything nice then to not say anything at all. Most men need that tatooing on their foreheads!

Good heavens you have just accomplished the most miraculous thing, creating a new life! And he's whinging about some baby weight gain!

For yourself, I think you need to get a very strict handle on your thoughts indeed. Try to catch yourself thinking negatively, then stand back and objectively ask yourself is that thought true? Do you really agree with it? Then tell yourself something positive about you to replace the negative thought and repeat it regularly. Get in the habit of looking at yourself in the mirror every time you go to the loo and seeing something there to admire and feel positive about - your eyes, your hair, your smile. Take charge of your own thinking and shut these stupid, immature comments of your partner right out.

I think when your thoughts go round and round that is a sign of stress, which isn't surprising as you've just had your first baby and you are not getting much support. And no doubt you are knackered. So try to get as much rest as you can and make sure you do something (however small) for yourself every day. Be kind to yourself and think positive about yourself and you'll soon pull out of this.

Congratulations on your DD and take care x

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