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Pretty sure DH doesn't love me anymore

(86 Posts)
Allboxedin Sat 27-Aug-11 20:36:49

I've felt it for a long time.
We married about 3 years ago, have one dd and another due in October.
I have given up everything to just be where he wants us to be - close to his work. I hate where we live, I have no family or friends here and no quality of life, but I have accepted it thus far because I know DH is the main breadwinner and puts a roof over our heads. I hate moaning but he knows how I feel.

I have always felt his job always comes first with both myself and dd but have tried to accept it. We hardly ever spend time together and he never takes dd out.
I am finding a real strain at the moment being nearly 33 weeks pregnant, I'm getting quite depresssed.
At the weekend I have to occupy dd all the time as I do all week.

I cook for him every night, sometimes he eats it,other times he doesn't want it so it goes to waste. I do everything at home, yet I get moaned at for silly things.
He is starting to really crack me down. He tells me I havent put dd's nappy on properly (even though he never changes it himself), moans about how I dress her (when I take a lot of pride in how she looks)....moans how I do things but yet never steps up to do them himself.

He has moods that go on for days where he doesnt talk to me and I have no idea what I have done.

There is more but this post is going to get so long people won't be able to read it all.

Overall I just feel he is pushing me away, on purpose, I don't know. But I am starting to put up my walls again which I never thought I would have to do in marriage.

I am laying awake at night just really miserable about everything.

Theyremybiscuits Sat 27-Aug-11 20:44:47

This sounds like me about 3 years ago. You sound so sad and tired as I was.

I didn't want to read and run.

He sounds very self centred and me me me.

My H was very controlling and I had to write him a letter telling him how I felt and how I wanted to make things work.
His mate told me had read it, that was the only way i knew he had received it.
He didn't act on it or acknowlege it and due to worsening behaviour I left him, taking the kids with me.

Someone hopefully will be along with good advice soon, and all I can say is, think of yourself and the DC first. Look after you. He obviously isn't. xxx

Allboxedin Sat 27-Aug-11 20:49:09

Thanks they, I do feel sad sad
I just can't see it going anywhere.

I also forgot to add that he keeps on about moving abroad for his work (Asia), we discussed it a few times and I don't feel happy about it at the moment, last night he brought it up again. I worked in Asia when I was younger and single and tbh I don't fancy going back at the moment with two young children and no support.

ThatllDoPig Sat 27-Aug-11 20:50:23

sad
Does he know how you feel? Maybe have an open discussion about things. Would he be up for couples counselling?

Allboxedin Sat 27-Aug-11 20:56:16

I do keep things to myself thatll and I'm not a great talker but yes, I have told him a few times how I feel, he might make a little change for a day or two but then it's back to square one. He also gets defensive if I say anything he doesn't like.
TBH I think he would laugh at me if I mentioned councelling but I am starting to wonder if I should go for some on my own!

babyhammock Sat 27-Aug-11 21:14:53

He's being emotionally abusive and very controlling. He has you where he wants you with no support and so he thinks he can treat you like crap.

I would go for counselling alone and read Lundy Bancroft.

Have you got as far as envisaging your life without him, or is that a silly question. x

IWantWine Sat 27-Aug-11 21:19:44

awww I think you should go for counselling.

I really wish I had had mumsnet years ago! I have learned so much, but even the learning wasnt enough. It is hard to make the break. But from my point of view, people rarely change.

I often read on some threads that 'you are not responsible for his happiness', well that works both ways, so he is not responsible for yours. If you are not happy you need to make some changes. What those changes are, well, if you are not clear on that, then get some counselling.

And please do not let him stop you from that. My 'D'H did. For years! sad When I eventually got the help I needed it made so much difference. And ok I am not out of the woods yet but I am on my way smile

Allboxedin Sat 27-Aug-11 21:20:04

baby, I do sometimes think about me going off on my own, but I feel quite trapped at the moment because of our next on the way and I just wouldn't know where to start. I will look at Lundy on google and see what I can find.

franke Sat 27-Aug-11 21:20:21

You have to talk to him. Why don't you write it all down just to get your own thoughts straight. Maybe it would be helpful to have the discussion within the wider context of discussing whether or not to move to Asia. From what you've said so far it sounds like there's a major communication break down which needs to be addressed before you make any more radical decisions.

Allboxedin Sat 27-Aug-11 21:20:35

I meant off on my own with dd to start again.

franke Sat 27-Aug-11 21:24:22

Just to add, dh and I have been terrible communicators until recently, so I know how difficult it is to have these kinds of conversations. But you have to, or else you may end up on your own, just for the lack of a direct conversation and misplaced assumptions about what each other is thinking.

Allboxedin Sat 27-Aug-11 21:27:03

Thanks IWW mumsnet is great and I too have learnt so much. It just seems such a huge mountain thinking about it but then again I don't want to be miserable for the rest of the time, nor do I want my children to be.
I think there is a communication problem franke and I accept part responsibility for that because I think I have withdrawn myself from the situation iykwim? But also as said above I am not the best at communication either. I do feel the times I have mentioned it or tried to talk though he is either not interested or doesnt have the time.

This will sound ridiculous but we have only been out once since dd was born 2 years ago without her. We went for dinner and we hardly said a word because he was in a mood about something.

babyhammock Sat 27-Aug-11 21:34:51

Here's the link for amazon:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314476875&sr=8-1

He thinks that because you are so trapped he can do whatever he likes and I know the idea of being on your own must be terrifying as is continuing like this long term...

Leaving someone like this takes planning and is not easy. You don't have to do anything yet, but you must start understanding your situation and I can't recommend the above book enough. The more you understand how he works the better you will be able to find the strength to do something about it instead of feeling trapped and powerless like you do at the moment.

He's behaving terribly, he really is. The constant undermining is exhausting and lets face it he's doing f all to help. Can you imagine treating someone like that...nope you never would and that is because he is wired a different way to you x

Allboxedin Sat 27-Aug-11 21:49:39

Thanks baby. I'll get that book I think, I have googled stuff like this a couple of times but I think a book is more coherent.
I'm not the the easiest of people or the most outgoing but I honestly have tried to do everything for him, maybe I have been doing too much to the extent that he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor beside the bed for me to pick up and put in the washing bin, leaves the toilet seat up if he thinks it needs to be cleaned and tuts and mutters if anything is out of order especially in the kitchen which I hate. It makes me feel weird, like I havent done enough to please him and its my fault. When he is home I can't relax because I feel he thinks I should be cleaning up or something.

I hate to feel like any kind of victim because I honestly think I am a strong person, I hate sympathy or people feeling sorry for me and thats not what I intend here but I'm glad that I can make myself heard here and that some of you understand x

babyhammock Sat 27-Aug-11 21:55:53

You ARE coming across as amazingly strong and you're clearly trying to make the best of a horrible situation.
Remember though nothing you do will be good enough.. you are doing everything but he will find fault with anything.. I'm not suprised you can't relax. Walking on eggshells like that is soul destroying.. sad xx

Allboxedin Sat 27-Aug-11 22:00:18

Thankyou baby, sad thats what it is!
The book seems to have really good reviews and sounds really interesting. I am on Amazon now scouting around. smile

PhilipJFry Sat 27-Aug-11 22:06:09

To hell with him, you're not his slave and you shouldn't have to justify yourself by tidying up when he's around. Don't think that it's your fault that he takes you for granted: he chooses to behave in the way he does. It's absolutely awful when someone does this because it's a slow and gradual process, and then one day you wake up and start thinking about it, wondering what the hell is going on and how it reached this point.

It doesn't have to be like this and it can get better. I would absolutely talk to someone about this because how he behaves is so very wrong.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin Sat 27-Aug-11 22:09:40

I hate where we live, I have no family or friends here and no quality of life

I am finding a real strain at the moment being nearly 33 weeks pregnant, I'm getting quite depresssed

Before you do anything else, you need to start feeling better and get some support. Can you take your DD and go and stay with your parents for a couple of weeks? Or a friend? You don't need to say anything about the relationship, just call it a visit. If you are feeling miserable, alone and criticised you aren't in the right frame of mind to deal with him right now. Get some distance and perspective.

I'd bet after some time with people who love you you'll find it hard to believe you were letting him '(tell) me I havent put dd's nappy on properly (even though he never changes it himself.)' Once you feel a bit more like yourself, it will be easier to talk to him and get across how you feel without being dismissed.

Allboxedin Sat 27-Aug-11 22:10:29

Thanks PhilipJ, I'm going to have to think long and hard about this. I have to say also that DH is of African descent, whether this has an effect on how he sees his role I don't know, I'm also from a traditional background but I think this goes beyond traditional! He has been in the UK for about 20 years though so is also very westernised.
I'm going to try and get some sleep and will check back later or in morning.
Thankyou everyone who took time to read and reply smile

Allboxedin Sat 27-Aug-11 22:13:48

Thanks Even, I wish I could. My parents live about 3 hours drive away and I would have to use PT as DH would need the car and I just don't think I can manage it at the moment on the coach/train with a toddler.
I have told my mum and dad a little bit about it and they do understand but are good at trying not to interfere etc.

HereBeBolloX Sat 27-Aug-11 22:17:41

He basically sees you as a servant with sex.

You're not really important, your life revolves around him.

He has an enormous sense of entitlement and it doesn't sound like he loves you at all.

Leaves clothes on the floor for you to pick up? WTF is htat about?

Get that book and get some time away from him with people who will make you feel better.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin Sat 27-Aug-11 22:19:22

sad It's great that they're trying not to interfere, but I honestly think that you need a break from the situation. It might be hell to deal with the trip with your DD, but once you were there you'd get help looking after her.

babyhammock Sat 27-Aug-11 22:56:34

Go go go!
And don't hold back from telling your parents all of it. Stop trying to hide it . You need to start rallying support and getting a healthy perspective on things. He should be ashamed...

HereBe is right, his sense of entitlement is what is driving this...

TBH I would take the car... f him ...what's he going to do about it. Let him hire one for a couple of weeks. He'll call you every name under the sun for going anyway so you may as well travel in ease wink xx

Allboxedin Sun 28-Aug-11 08:34:51

Morning, had a good sleep thanks, must be this thread being therapeutic!!
I know my mum especially would help out lots with dd and her friends would too, dad isn't so well so not so easy for him, I have two brothers there near my parents who both dote on her too!
I'll definately look into it today, I think a break and the book is a good idea ad then I can read it on the coach while dd sleeps soundly all the way there! grin
Thanks for your support ladies and for helping me ge it off my chest. x

EvenLessNarkyPuffin Sun 28-Aug-11 14:47:13

Pleased to hear you're thinking about it. At the moment you need to stop worrying about him and focus on making yourself feel better. And I'm sure that your DD will love the chance to see her uncles and grandparents.

It might be tough on the coach, but when you're there you'll be able to spend some time with your feet up being the one who is fussed over for a change.

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