Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

spoke to ex this morning...

(9 Posts)
stayforthekids1 Thu 25-Aug-11 09:38:46

Hi all, I am here now and again so some of you may remember me, but anyways quick background, husband and I split nearly 2 months ago, we have four young dc together.

This morning on the phone, he asked me if I would consider letting him be a stay at home dad to the kids. As in they live with him and not me. Now my natural reaction was total horror, having 4 dc is hard work but I love them to death. I couldnt imagine being the one that visits, or takes them over night at weekends.

However, he asked me to give it serious consideration and I am trying to do so by not being selfish and trying to consider what would really be best for the children.

He lives in the country. I live in a dodgy area of town. Only last week someone tried to break into my house. He has transport, I dont, which makes it very difficult for me to have extra curricular activities for the older two, especially as I have the younger two to manage. He has also always been in my eyes, the better parent. Dont get me wrong I am by no means a bad parent, but he has always been the more understanding, patient one where I have been the firm authorative one. The older two girls adore their dad and have started to say how much they miss him. The eldest has said once or twice that she wishes she lived with her dad because she misses him.

I was brought up by my dad. But it was a very different story. My mother was neglectful and my dad was given sole custody. She disappeared out of my life when I was two and came back into it when I was a teen... it was very difficult. Although I know that if....IF i was to really consider his offer, it wouldnt be like that, I have always felt kids should be with their mother.

I really dont know what to do. If I consider it from an outsider point, he could provide them with a better life. If I look at it from being their mother, I just cant imagine not being with them all the time. Any advice here?

GypsyMoth Thu 25-Aug-11 09:40:12

Who will finance him?

GypsyMoth Thu 25-Aug-11 09:41:12

He will be main carer, if it doesn't work it will be hard to reverse and you will have to pay serious maintenance to him!

Lilyloo Thu 25-Aug-11 09:45:41

Can you not try 50/50 residency first ??

Bogeyface Thu 25-Aug-11 09:54:55

I would agree that 50/50 would be the compromise. If he refuses to consider that then you would have to question why he wants them the majority of the time.

And as ILT said, what will he live on? What would the maintenance arrangements be? What would your access arrangements be? You need to know all these things. My instinct is to say no tbh, but as I said, 50/50 would be a compromise.

clam Thu 25-Aug-11 10:02:26

What a nightmare decision! The thing is, even if it seems a better life for them and they're keen to do it, and you make this supreme sacrifice, you might be perceived as being "the mother who abandoned her children." Unfair, but the attitude exists still.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Thu 25-Aug-11 10:09:39

Logically - If you both feel he would make the better choice for full time parent, then of course he must be. It's what is in the best interests of the children.

Emotionally - hard. I know as a mother, I feel my children should be with me even if we were living in a cardboard box! And you'd have to prise them out of my cold, dead fingers to get them off me!

But you can't be ruled by what are, at the end of the day, selfish emotions. You have to look at it logically and from the children's pov. What do they want. What is best for them. What is going to give them the best quality of life and happiest life.

The first and most important thing is - are you and your ex amicable? Can you sit down and work together?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Thu 25-Aug-11 10:10:20

Full-time parent was the wrong phrase. I apologise. Resident parent.

GypsyMoth Thu 25-Aug-11 10:20:48

Is he working at present?

How will he continue to run his car/household on just maintenance and child benefit?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now