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Why doesn't it occur to him?(20 Posts)
I haven't always coped that well with being a mum for some very good reasons. I am a lot better now (my mental help and dealing with things that happened) but I was still very nervous about this summer holiday as I really wanted it to go well without me losing my temper too much and shouting all the time. When I am not coping I just want to shut myself away in a cupboard or something.
I am a SAHM anyway but my oldest is at school so the holidays are more pressure and more intense, more demands on me etc. In fact my oldest demands abut twice what my youngest does. Probably due to how things used to be when I was not well.
So at the start of the summer I told my DH that to get through the summer I was going to try to take little breaks as I have found that helps. Although saying that I usually get them vary rarely as we have no help and can't afford babysitters.
So by breaks I mean popping shopping on my own or going for a run (45 mins) when my DH gets in from work or something. The first week was fine as I went running 3 times but then I sprained my ankle! It's getting better but I can't run on it. Those first couple of weeks were lovely as I had energy for my babies and we had a lovely time.
Since then I haven't had a single break. My DH had some time off work and during that time took the kids out for 2 hours by himself and the rest of the time we spent together.
Now he's back at work. From about the end of last week I started to feel a bit loopy again and that means I need space. I told him this. He decided though to work overtime ever night this week which means I have to carry on as though he's not here. He does often load the dishwasher or something but really I need him to take the dcs off my hands. From Sunday I have been feeling like I am going to explode! He knows this.
I can't really complain about the overtime as he's earning money for the family but then tonight he has his friends coming round! They come around once a week to play poker which I am usually fine about but why didn't it even occur to him that this wasn't a good week for me?! Surely it's not rocket science!
So I am on my own again tonight but will have other people in the house so can't even relax when the dcs finally go to sleep. Then tomorrow I have family round which it unnavoidable but is always stressful for me.
I so want to be a good mum. I have worked out what I need to do to achieve that (little breaks, longer would be nice but not likely) and I can't do it.
Sorry it's so long. Need to offload.
Can you go out while they play poker? Even just for a stroll?
Amaretti I haven't been able to do that lately because of my ankle. I can walk now but when his friends come over the dcs go to bed later. I don't usually mind as my DHs friends love the dcs so play with them for a while and of course they get all hyped up (the dcs not the friends!) and it takes me longer to get them to sleep. By the time they are asleep it very well might be gone 9 and then I have cleaning up to do etc. Might try that anyway.
I can see it from DHs point of view as well, that he has been working lots and need some leisure time.
can you just leave the house as soon as he comes in? go to the park or cafe and have half an hour to yourself?
that's what I do when things get too much.
I used to go to the library and read free magazines when it all got too much - ist that an option? Sorry to hear about your ankle I really enjoy running as it gets me completely out of Mummy zone.
mousymouse I suppose I could do. He usually comes in and then we all have dinner together. Hmm [ponders]
rookiemater Hmm [ponders more]
No children yet, but I've had bad periods with depression and anxiety in the past, and I know my triggers, and it sounds as if you do too. You're not asking for a favour or a luxury, you need time to yourself because otherwise you wobble, and everyone suffers. I agree, just go out for a bit - go and sit in a cafe or pub or the park if you can't run - when your husband comes in. he and the children can have dinner alone for once in a way without it being some kind of dereliction of duty on your part. And I personally would go and see a friend or see a film or something during the poker night.
He'll just have to put his own kids to bed, won't he! I'm sure he'll manage that and poker, I know I could.
HardCheese Yes it took me a long time to figure it out though! (the triggers thing)
Amaretti His friends come round straight after dinner and start playing while I put the kids to bed. Otherwise they won't get started playing until really late. The kids normally go to bed at 8 (at least one of them won't settle til 8.30 often) but it's later when his friends are here.
Love the going to the pictures idea Hardcheese but I would imagine that I wouldn't make it in time.
I don't know, men are just dumb, they just don't get it, DH just gone on a bike ride to destress and relax, I don't have a bike (his is too big for me too ride) and the gym membership he promised to keep paying so I could escape during the hols has gone up the swanny due to him not being paid for him being too soft with people. So it's shit for me and all groovy for him, but he doth not monitor it one jot. Soz for tres depressing response!
I think you need to timetable your 'me' time so that he knows exactly when he needs to be there for the kids. Doesn't matter that he's been at work all day, so have you. If he didn't have you to care for the kids he would have to be back in time to collect from childcare. Having a family is a partnership and kids should be parented jointly.
How about you make dinner, all sit down together to eat, then you go out for an hour and he clears up and puts kids to bed, say 3 times a week or whatever suits you.
Alternatively, if you have any energy, get a part time evening job, bar work, stacking shelves, whatever you can do. This will get you away from the kids, meet new people, have something of your own where you feel valued and needed, and earn a few extra quid to boot. Maybe you could earn enough to pay for you & DH to have a night out together once a week/fortnight.
The last thing I would advise would be to expect your DH to guess what you want. It may be bleedin' obvious but is safer and more practical to spell it out for him.
You need the breaks more than he needs to play poker - I know tonight is a done deal, but you must spell it out in words of one syllable that it's crap of him and he can forget it next week.
Do you need the breaks more than you need the overtime money? If yes, then it's non-negotiable. The overtime has to stop at least until school starts.
Get tough. Don't ask if it's OK for you to do X at 6.30, tell him you're doing X at 6.30 and he needs to be home for that. Don't make it something to debate - make it a fact.
I think you need to LEAVE THE HOUSE as soon as DH and his friends arrive. They can hype the kids up, they can put them to bed. They can either start playing slightly later than usual, or they can put the kids to bed on time. Your DH's kids, your DH's choice.
If you can't run, could you go for a swim? I always find that a great de-stresser.
If you wait for things like this to "occur" to
other people, you'll be waiting a long time. You've already explained to your DH that you need regular breaks, now you need to start taking them.
Well, he offered to put he kids to bed, but that would have left him upstairs for ages while I entertained his friends. What's the point of that?! Plus his friends would have thought it was weird.
In the end he came in from work, I had left a really quick dinner for him to warm up and I went out. Was going to go and sit in a coffee shop until I realised that they all close by then. So instead I went for a long walk, got a bit of shopping, walked back and then sat on a bench reading a mag and eating a banana (left before dinner) oh and I listened to my ipod . . . the power of music! I was out for about an hour and a half and it really did help.
Thanks for you messages
Perhaps you could offer to put the kids to bed for him on poker night but he does it the rest of the week?
Actually, in all seriousness, my DH used to do that every day because it was the only time he could spend with them. He did the bath, story, bed routine whilst I relaxed with a cup of tea downstairs. Now our dcs are old enough to put themselves to bed, he still carries ds (now 12) upstairs and
messes about reads him a story because they have come to love and value that shared time together.
Is he psychic - if not you need to talk to him.
Sounds like you need a regular hobby that gives you time doing your own thing at set time.
I'm a SAHD and that works well for us as I'm a musician and have band rehearsals 2x per week. My wife is a director with a major UK bank and it's a very demanding job. She know though - don't do work stuff on my band nights or make sure she has booked an appropriate babysitter.
I find that "a change is as good as a rest" to be very true.
When I had small babies I used to go to the cinema on my own (so no social planning required) and leave dh to the evening routine. It worked well for us.
Good luck in finding your time.
Yeah I do need time to myself. The last week though he worked 3/4 evenings, then friends round on 1 and then we have a couple together. God knows when I would fit it in!
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