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I've left tonight after 18 harrowing months and need support from you lovely ladies

(48 Posts)
craftyknickers Thu 25-Aug-11 01:41:23

Hello all, Im sorry this is long, need to rant and get it all out.

A bit about me....I am 23 and he is 39 we have been in a relationship for 18 months and it has been a rollercoaster since day one.

I am sat here today with a black eye from him and we have now split up.

My entire soul has been destroyed, for every 'nice' day there are always at least three 'abusive' days. The mood swings were so hard to live with. I couldnt say anything out of place. He drank every day. I was accused of sleeping with other people a lot. I wasnt allowed to go anywhere without him.

The emotional abuse was a lot worse than the physical abuse. The insults were so horrible, nobody would even talk to their dog that way.

He is so nice to everyone else. After he punched me in the face we had to go to my mums wedding and he acted like nothing had happened. So normal. Centre of attention, dancing on stage, doing kareoke. I knew they all knew so I was embaressed.

Anyway.....He left me tonight after another argument which was of course my fault.

I know its the right thing to do and I know I can get on with my life now, but how do you get over someone who made you mentally dependant on them? I say I love him but Im not even sure thats what it was.

The stress of being with him put me on meds for depression. (This obv gave him the right to call me mad)

He is now going round calling himself the victim so I have lost all but one friend (who is an ex of his so knows what I am going through)

I just need to know that I will come out of the other end of this ok. I am so confused and dazed right now.

SquirrelTrap Thu 25-Aug-11 02:02:28

Hi crafty
I hope you are ok.
Do you think he has potentially gone permanently?
You will come out the other end at some point - you have your whole life ahead of you. I came out of an abusive relationship about 3 months ago. It's horrendously hard being on your own as you kind of don't know who you are because you are so used to being told what to do and be..........but even if it is horrible coming to terms with what has happened, it is just NOT worse than being in a relationship where there is violence and emotional abuse.
Somehow you need to get out. I hope you can.......you may feel worse before better.......but you must try your very very best, dig deep for strength he has tried to rid you of, and get out.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 25-Aug-11 02:03:23

Crafty, I am so sorry that you have gone through this. I am so glad that you are now free.
Of course you are confused and dazed at the minute, but that is how anyone coming out of prison after a long stretch feels.

I am going to bed now, but I wanted to reply to you and hopefully some of our more owlish posters will be along to help you soon.

Get yerself a cuppa and a bit of toast and try to breathe.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 25-Aug-11 02:06:00

Crafty, you said that everyone knew (about the black eye) - have you told your friends or family about the split and the reasons? It really helps to have some real life emotional support, and I bet they will all be relieved and happy for you.

Squiglettsmummy2bx Thu 25-Aug-11 02:09:19

Oh crafty, you are going to be ok even though it doesn't feel like it now. I have just ended an 18 month roller coaster ride which wasn't physically abusive but was definitely emotionally abusive & the threat of violence was always there. I have walked away before but always taken him back but never again & I hope the same for you because it does just get worse.
Sending you massive hugs because if you are feeling like me you probably need them. Can u speak to your family about what went on between you? x

Ryma Thu 25-Aug-11 02:10:25

Well done or leaving him, you deserve so much better and good luck!!! smile

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 25-Aug-11 02:13:18

Here is some not so light reading, that may help you in the hours ahead.
Abuse Recovery Thread

Try to stay strong. He has not destroyed your soul. He tried really hard, but he did not succeed. It has been there, waiting for you to reconnect with it and it will give you strength.

Don't worry about your friends, not all of them will have been fooled by his cries of "poor me", many of them will have distanced themselves as they felt helpless to do anything about his treatment of you. You are not alone. People love you. Really love you and want you to be safe and happy. When you are ready, call on them. Tonight however, look after and soothe yourself.

craftyknickers Thu 25-Aug-11 02:14:31

squirreltrap you are right, the pain I will go through in the coming weeks and months is not as bad as being with someone who hits you. It took a very long time to realise that I didnt need him and tonight I have come away without begging him not to leave me. I want this but I just need to know I can stay rational and strong.
Oh and he has gone forever, kicked me out, not before saying some very evil things to me. Blames me for it all which is funny!!

Dione thank you for your reply. Trust me to be having a drama this late at night lol. My lovely grandparents have stayed up with me and made me a cuppa. Seems to cure all problems I think smile

Tortoise This isnt the first time this has errupted like this, last time he ended up being arrested after strangling me so I came to my grandparents. They knew what he was doing but were so scared of losing me they didnt fight when I went back. I covered up the black eye as much as possible but they are not stupid. They saw it and knew what was happening but knew they couldnt drag my back by my hair. They are so relieved to have me back safe that I am feeling bad for every putting them through that in the first place.

Like I said, i know this is the right thing and he is so heartless that he will never contact me again but I am weak and last time I contacted him, and went back. I feel differently this time, angry and worn out by the games and the blame. So hopefully I will find strength from the anger.

craftyknickers Thu 25-Aug-11 02:18:19

Thank you so much everyone, I have been lurking for some time on here and knew that you would make me feel so much better.

I am so grateful for your kind words. (getting emotional lol)

Thank you Dione I will have a read of it. I didnt know it existed.

I have also bought Lundy's book hoping that reminding myself that he was an abuser will keep me going.

Squiglett thankfully my family are amazing, never ever want to see me with him again and are so relieved im home. Im very lucky.

craftyknickers Thu 25-Aug-11 02:21:34

squiglett I hope you are getting support from your family, it doesnt matter that he didnt hit you, the emotional stuff is a million times worse. The words sting more than any punch.

One thing i have found amazing look at DV sites is how 'text book' he was. and how they are all the same. Where do they learn this from??

babyhammock Thu 25-Aug-11 08:12:43

Hello
So sorry you're going through this..
I think he will contact you as soon as he realises you aren't going to cave in. That's very typical so please be prepared for that and the best option is to refuse any contact with him. You know how manipulative these men are so try not to give him the chance to lie to you and weedle his way back in.

He is textbook and it just gets worse.... keep repeating that and stay strong.
It will get better and I know they totally get under your skin. Another very wise poster said on another thread said that every part of you cries out to be with them. This is so true but it wil never be ok and you need to get as much RL support as you can so you can get out and stay out.

And google stockholm syndrome x

thisishowifeel Thu 25-Aug-11 09:10:37

It's horrible isn't it? Ring women's aid, the dv unit at the police, check out the freedom programme. Perhaps some counselling via your GP? Get everything you can for yourself.

It's so confusing, trying to work out what the hell happened. There are experts out there who can help you, and who understand how these men operate. They ALWAYS blame their victim, they always twist reality, it's the way they work.

I had a conversation with an organisation called Respect...listed at the top...they work with abusers. I actually found, for me, that speaking to someone that works with these men on a daily basis, was incredibly useful and validating.

Hugs to you, and I am so glad that you have family supporting you. x

craftyknickers Thu 25-Aug-11 14:34:47

Thank you so much, I will definatley consider councelling. I will do anything to make sure I never go back.

He is currently telling everyone how evil I am and how I started an argument on his Dad's anniversary.

I am feeling a bit numb, i have called the doc and stocked up on my anti depressants as i couldnt find them when packing. They have also given me some sleeping tabs so im not lying awake all night. I dont function well with no sleep.

I think i am dreading the missing him more than anything, i am a worrier so i am scared of what it will feel like. Maybe I wont feel like that, maybe ill hate him forever. (wishful thinking)

babyhammock that is very interesting, explains why i have given him so many chances after hurting me.

I still cant believe its over, so many times i have thought about going then he would be nice and i would hate myself for even thinking of going.

Ive done it! Now what....lol

Squiglettsmummy2bx Thu 25-Aug-11 18:36:29

Thanks crafty, I have a lovely mum who is supportive of me. I have 2 children & a bump who need me to keep strong & stay away so I will & we will be just fine.
Best wishes to you x

FagAshLill Thu 25-Aug-11 18:39:33

How are you feeling now Crafty?

LindsayWagner Thu 25-Aug-11 18:45:06

Hey Crafty, just adding my good wishes. You might be astonished at what 'being free' feels like. Also, please do prepare for what you'll do when he comes back, which he will (and will also up the ante) if he gets a sniff that you're doing okay.

craftyknickers Thu 25-Aug-11 18:45:56

Aww Squiglett (((((((hugs)))))))) i cant imagine what this would be like with dc's and bump!

I have no children thank god, the reason i have come on MN is when we were TTC (deluded I know) i found everyone amazing.

fagashlil i am ok, had a busy day so not much time to think, the doc has given me some sleeping tabs so i am looking forward to sleeping tonight.

Whenever i have found myself with nothing to do i distract myself by coming on here.

I have had to show everyone my black eye today (lived 20 miles away with x) my family are mortified and very upset. everyone has been so nce to me.

babyhammock Thu 25-Aug-11 19:03:23

Remember the person who is going around saying you are evil and who gave you that black eye is the person he really is.

He will come back and say everything you want to hear... its just an act so please don't get taken in by it.
You sound lovely and deserve so much more. Really glad you're getting lots of support from your family.

HerHissyness Thu 25-Aug-11 20:55:52

He's gone? Great! keep it that way.

You have a black eye now? photograph it. Look at it every time you wonder if it'd be OK to go back... (it won't btw!)

Tell your friends and family, secrecy is part of the isolation these bullies concoct to keep us where they want ut.

You are here now, and we will be here for you. Either on this thread, or the NPD thread, or the EA Support thread (Most of us have had DV too)

Remind yourself that this guy WILL go on to kill you. He's already strangled you, hit you hard enough to give you a black eye, and more I'm willing to bet.

When you read Lundy, you will understand how he chose to do this, and maybe even why he did, but more importantly you you will see that YOU didn't cause this. Nothing you could have done, or didn't do would have changed this. He IS an abuser. Your friend knows, now your family know, and we know.

Lean on us as much as you need to. Angry is good too!

Keep posting, and keep away from him. change your number, cut him dead out of your life. Seriously.

craftyknickers Thu 25-Aug-11 21:10:42

You are all so right, taking a photo of my eye is a very good idea.

Knowing that he has always been the same and blames every girlfriend is helping me come to terms with the fact its not my fault. He drummed it into me for so long that I was mentally ill and I have issues, i cant believe i agreed so easily.

Two years ago i was such a strong person and now im a different person. I lost my job because of him and lost every friend i had.

Im finding anger very helpful.

Ive taken a big step in taking my engagement ring off. Its a silly thing but it is something i did by myself, i ended up never making a decision without asking him or being scared of his reaction. This is the first thing ive done by myself smile

SingOut Thu 25-Aug-11 22:02:47

You will be absolutely fine in the long run, and WELL DONE for getting out!! Good for you. I'm about 18 months down the road from leaving my abusive XP and my life is so much better. It was so worth it.

HerHissyness Thu 25-Aug-11 22:16:35

God bless you crafty!

I dunno if I would have had the strength at 23.... heck I didn't even have the strength at 33.... Glad to have found it now I'm 42....

I just looked at the bruise photo I had, next to it was a picture of him pulling a happy face with DS... I looked at him and felt NOTHING.

In time love, and very soon too, you will get here, you will feel numb of course, but it will pass. The lessons you learn now, with Lundy's help and others, will set you up for life.

You have a future now love, a real one, a good one. grab this chance to be free of this bully once and for all. If you let him back in your life, all that hope and bright new beginnings will be in doubt. Your life as you deserve it to be will be all but over.

Hold on to this and keep strong, remind yourself how much life you'd be giving up to be with this dreadful man.

And kids... you can't bring kids into a relationship with a guy like him! Believe me it's the most awful part of an abusive relationship, knowing you have saddled wonderful, lovely, happy, bright DC with a nasty, controlling, petty, evil little man for a father. It's the one thing that really destroys those of us that do have kids with abusive men.

So put that in your anti-twat arsenal too, that there would never be kids with him... so what is the point of even going out with him?.... your relationship is at a dead end, before it even starts....

You can do this, we're all here for you.

tallwivglasses Thu 25-Aug-11 22:32:02

You are a very bright young lady. I promise you one day you will look back on this period in your life with pride that you'd got out, self-esteem intact, and went on to have a fabulous life wink

RufusTFirefly Thu 25-Aug-11 22:32:55

Crafty, you said:

I think i am dreading the missing him more than anything, i am a worrier so i am scared of what it will feel like.

Sorry to play the wise old gimmer woman card, but I am old enough to be your Mum. I've had more than my share of shitty men, including an alcoholic and a truly evil fucker who terrified me with his total hatred of women. I was afraid to be alone and it kept me in a bad marriage for far too long (not an abusive man, but the wrong one for me. Towards the end we picked and sniped at each other, which was bad for us both.). Finally, he left me. After the first few months of feeling frightened and a failure, I found being alone quite liberating.

Believe me, being on your own is far better than being with this shitbag who hits you, abuses you verbally and lies to your friends about you. It may hurt to be without him at first, but this will pass. You are young yet; plenty of time to find a decent man who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Meanwhile, enjoy being on your own and being your own person without constant undermining and controlling from this "man". Beware of the rebound relationship too - I think you need a breather first and to take stock.

Something you could do as well as photographing the black eye he gave you: make a list of all the vile things he has done and said to you in the time you have been together. This will hurt too, but will be useful in the long run. If he starts in with the chocolates, flowers and promises to change, look at your photo and read through your list to remind yourself what he really is. Good luck, and do lean on your family who love you and have your best interests at heart.

cestlavielife Thu 25-Aug-11 22:51:14

Well done for leaving.
Do get support from a counsellor via gp
Or via womens aid freedom programme etc
It can be useful to talk to counsellor to grieve the relationship you never had

And stave off symptoms of post traumatic stress.

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