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Need a Shoulder to lean on(4 Posts)
I'm looking for some help and a shoulder to lean on. I've posted before on my situation and have had some really fantastic help and advice. Things have now moved on.
Basically, I've come to the conclusion that my marriage is over. I love my wife deeply but the strains of life appear to have sapped every ounce of energy out of her and she has little if anything left for herself or our relationship. Communication on anything relating to our relationship is now non existent. She categorically refuses to address the issues we face.
What I can't resolve is coming to terms with it all. Coming to terms with the thought that all we had hoped for, all we have worked for has come to to this. We have several young children together and everything I have done in my life has been focussed on raising a family in the best way I can. The thought of splitting the family up is heartbreaking. I suppose I am terrified by it too. I was raised by parents who are still together, as was my wife and, whilst I clearly accept that this is not always the best model to follow, I deeply fear the unknown.
I am hugely involved in the childrens day to day life and the thought of not being so, is like staring into a big black void. Right now I just don't seem to have the guts to make the final leap into the unknown.
For those of you that weren't pushed, who could have quite easily carried on with the status quo as the path of least resistance, but chose not to, did you ever come to terms with it and if so how?
When you say the "strains of life" what do you mean exactly? Bringing up young children is hard work and perhaps she feels unsupported. If you work long hours, or she works but also does most of the housework etc then that can breed resentment.
I am not suggesting this is all your fault but apart from cases that involve infidelity, there is rarely just one person to blame when a marriage fails. Perhaps you could look at yourself be honest, really honest, about whether you are doing all you can to make the marriage work. If you can see that there are areas in which you can improve you can then approach her and tell her that you have realised you are not being 100% yourself and will try to do more to make it work if she will do the same.
And I recommend Relate. Your wife doesnt need to go with you, although if she knows that you are serious and you are going because you think your marriage is all but over, she may well join you.
I am not familiar with your previous post(s). Could you give a quick synopsis/cut & paste of the problem?
Thanks for the responses.
Bogey I recognise that it's rarely one party's fault and that I must share some of the responsibility. I am far from perfect, but after years of asking and trying to guess what I can do better and being told that I am doing the right things and supporting her more than she could ever wish for, it is clear that I am simply getting very little myself from the relationship.
I can honestly say that I have done almost all I can within the family home and within the relationship to find a way through this. I have been very thoroughly (sometimes brutally) questioned and "interviewed" by the good people of MN on the other threads I have posted on over the last year or so. I have taken the advice and acted on it and it has helped massively. As I say, things have moved on and so I really am now trying to see how I can deal with the fall out that will come from the inevitable, hence my direct question to people that have made the leap and are managing to deal with the fall out.
Actually, the one thing I have not done is Relate. I bought several of the books and suggested the couselling plenty of times but my wife always puts it off. If someone doesn't want to do something, you cannot force them. I think you are right, I will go on my own and see if that helps. I suspect you are also right that she will actually join me if I do say "Bugger it - I'll go by myself". Thanks for your advice
Fairenuff I've namechanged for good reason and appreciate it is difficult to comment without the full story. I have actively chosen not to revisit the underlying issues here because they have been analysed and dissected here in plenty of detail and I have been properly (and helpfully) put through the wringer. Again that is why I have moved on to the question of dealing with the fallout. Sorry if that is unhelpful.
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