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rightly paranoid or need a serious kick up the arse?

(15 Posts)
takingbackmonday Wed 24-Aug-11 22:40:12

Long story short, I thought I would marry my xdp. We were together 3 years, from when I was 20, and he was in a certain position of power when we got together and 10 years older than me. We broke up around 5 months ago, it destroyed my heart, I moved out, but I am fine now, I had to be. I wouldn;t say to anyone in RL that he was emotionally abusive but I posted on here and was told repeatedly he was - I now believe this - he was manipulative, made me basically hate myself, told me he left me because i cheated on him (I didnt) but it turned out he had repeatedly. Because of this I am a tad 'damaged' emotionally - on top of losing my other very young and a whole heap of MH stuff when younger than I'm now on top of it.

Current issue - new DP of 3 months is genuinely wonderful. He could not be more differentofr treat me better. He told me last week he loved me, he knows that 3 months is early to say it but he feels it and I can see why because i'm getting there myself. He is sweet, beautiful, family orientated, patient and very open and honest. The problem is he is my housemate - we moved in together without knowing each other (4 people in the house, all mid 20s in London) and we hooked up in a 'no strings' way after 2 weeks - a week later we confessed mutual feelings and he's given me no reason to not trust him whatsoever - but the 2 weeks before he brought 3 girls home. He says he was single, had not had a girlfriend for 4 years (after one for 4 years that he never cheated on) because he never liked anyone enough but he adores me and would never hurt me ever. I am terrified and don;t trust him becasue of this first 2 weeks and my ex. Please give me a kick up the arse or tell me my fear is correct before i ruin it/get hurt.

FabbyChic Wed 24-Aug-11 22:42:17

Hey honey, he was single you didn't know him then. When you are single you can do what you want it doesn't hurt anybody. You cannot judge him on what he done before you, that was then this is now.

takingbackmonday Wed 24-Aug-11 22:54:53

I am not judging him but it's making me antsy. Hes off to a festival this weekend and im off to Marbella and im terrified. I shouldnt be, but I am. My faith in people has been slowly killed and now im scared.

HerHissyness Thu 25-Aug-11 00:07:55

OK, all of this release from Abusive X is very recent.

Your new relationship is moving quickly. perhaps TOO quickly.

You can't judge him on his behaviour with the 3 girls wrt your relationship, but it could demonstrate a lack of respect for women in general to have 3 in a short period of time. I'll leave that one on the fence though, it's a little tenuous.

If you are feeling doubt, for whatever reason, listen to it.

It is either telling you there is a problem, OR you are not ready yet. It could be a combination of the 2. The I love You in a matter of weeks bothers me intensely.

Go to Marbella, as a single woman, and just enjoy yourself and your life. I'm not saying go on a shagfest, far from it, I'm saying take time out for YOU, learn to be kind and appreciative of yourself. You need to re-build the faith in yourself, then you can start working on rebuilding faith in others.

Fairenuff Thu 25-Aug-11 00:21:22

^we hooked up in a 'no strings' way after 2 weeks - a week later we confessed mutual feelings

^^ this is your problem I think. Within 3 weeks you've gone from 'no strings' to 'mutual feelings'. This is all very fast. You should talk honestly to each other and agree either 'no strings' ie you are both still free and single or you have 'mutual feelings' and you will be faithful to each other.

If you agree to be be monogamous then you need to trust him unless he gives you reason not to.

nje3006 Thu 25-Aug-11 09:13:06

2 months is a very short gap between the end of an EA relationship and the beginning of another (no-EA) relationship. Sounds like you haven't given yourself enough time to heal, deal with the stuff that arose from the end of the last relationship.
Sounds like this is moving too fast.

takingbackmonday Thu 25-Aug-11 11:09:36

Yes you're probably right that I shouldn't have moved into another relationship quickly but it's happened and I am happy. New one is an Australian guy and very calm, no dramas at all, by mutual feelings I mean we wanted to see how it goes rather than just have sex. I think it's moved fairly quickly because we live together so see a bit of each other.

I don't want to turn into a paranoid untrusting person because of my ex. I don't want to give him that power.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 25-Aug-11 12:30:38

OK, here are the red flags contained in your posts:

- you were in an EA relationship, and moved into another relationship after only 2 months

- it's moving waaaay to quickly

- he lies: says he was single but brought 3 girls home.

- ergo, disrespect for women: he is happy to see women as being for sex but are not "girlfriends"

- you're scared. You're doubting. Your gut is telling you something: these feelings only happen when you viscerally feel that there is something going on that you need to protect yourself from.

Maybe you want to hear this and back off, or maybe you want to get further involved with Australian guy. It's your journey.

I would really, really recommend staying single for at least a year, building up your self-esteem and capacity to be happy on your own, and doing the Freedom Programme to re-set your twat radar, though.

Also, see what you can cross off from Loser Bingo.

PattyPenguin Thu 25-Aug-11 13:03:48

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow says (snip)
"he lies: says he was single but brought 3 girls home.

- ergo, disrespect for women: he is happy to see women as being for sex but are not "girlfriends""

But when I was single i.e. not in a relationship, I took blokes home. I was happy to see some men as being for sex but not as boyfriends. Only men who were similarly single, though, not ones who had girlfriends, partners, fiancees or wives.

I was single. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing morally wrong with what I was doing.

However, when I stopped being single i.e. when I was in a relationship, I didn't sleep with anyone else. In fact, after settling down, I've been with the same man - and only him - for 26 years.

It seemed - and seems - pretty simple to me.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 25-Aug-11 13:13:05

Indeed Patty; I figured that would be picked up on.

Nothing wrong with respectful one-night stands, and nothing wrong with OP figuring out if she feels squicked out by her man's bringing home 3 women in the space of 2 weeks. Since she mentions it in her opening post it could be she is. It also seems to be fuelling her concerns about his impending trip in her 22:54:53 (OP, is that the case? I was wondering why you linked your two trips with you feeling "terrified").

planetpotty Thu 25-Aug-11 13:17:04

Dont ruin what seems like a really good relationship by being paranoid.

Does sound like you may have baggage needs sorting out but does not sound like you have any reason not to trust him.

Go to Marbella - have fun!

Men run a mile from needy or paranoid smile

PattyPenguin Thu 25-Aug-11 13:27:48

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow, I agree about the 3 women in 2 weeks seeming to fuel the OP's concerns.

People can and do stop having no-strings fun once they start a relationship, but is he one of those people? Since the OP has only met him very recently, it must be difficult to judge.

Oh, and there's also STIs to consider. (And I did consider them in my youth, I wasn't completely careless - safe sex wasn't invented in 1988.)

HerHissyness Thu 25-Aug-11 14:54:00

Patty I agree with you.

Puppy, I agree with you too! grin

Patty, As the OP was fresh out of a EA relationship, and as a result will have self esteem/trust issues as a result of the abuse she received, it's safe to say her Man-dar is OFF.

A person who has NOT been subjected to insults, manipulation, cruelty, threats and distortion has a fair chance at getting over the 3 women in 2 weeks, and judging for herself if this guy is a Playa or just a normal guy on a bit of a pulling streak.

While this guy's batting average is noteworthy, and in itself could mean absolutely nothing wrt his attitude to women, respect, treatment etc, it is with the combination of perfect storm conditions for a potential abusive relationship that is worrying Puppy (and me too)

Add this 3 in 2 weeks to the extreme speed in forming this relationship, the living together, the I love yous etc... it has red flag ALL over it. This is EXACTLY how abusive relationships start.

If there were no previous EA relationship, I'd still be advising the OP to slow down. As it appears from this thread, I would strongly urge the OP to back way off, until she has recovered from the past, has regrouped and learnt to read ref flags.

IWantWine Thu 25-Aug-11 15:37:55


Thank you for posting the link to 'Loser Bingo'.. I am sat here in tears. I wish so much that I had read that years ago.

I lurk a lot on 'Relationships' and it has helped me to find the courage to end my toxic marriage.

OP all I can say to you is take it slowly and listen to your instincts. In fact, I would say it may be better to not get involved at this point. You need to recover from your previous relationship. I think I was more vulnerable because of my relationship with my mother.. I really cant remember her ever telling me that she loved me. So when someone came along and started pushing all the right buttons' I had no defence. That was...... oh.. 30 years ago. I have spent at least that long with someone who really never ever loved me. I wish I had known sooner sad

However... wink it is a big world out there and you are young. Just go and have some fun and learn to be more self sufficient.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Fri 26-Aug-11 10:26:06

(( IWantWine )) how recently did you end your marriage? There's a couple recovery threads kicking about in Relationships that you can vent on, if you want ("NPD/Abusive partner recovery thread", and "Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships").

takingbackmonday I was thinking of you this morning. You are so young! That means that you really can afford to take the time now to be alone, recover from your previous EA relationship, and learn to be strong and happy with yourself, by yourself. If you learn how to do that, your new, more self-confident Self will know how to tell whether whatever man you next accept into your heart is worth it.

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