Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Should I treat DP like a child?HELP NEEDED!!!(93 Posts)
looking for opinions with regard to DP.
I am a SAHM and DP works full time( long hours, 6 days a week) and we are renovating a house so DP spends most of his free time doing things to that.
I struggle with keeping on top of the washing(who doesn't) and the majority of the time everything is clean and put away however DP seems to find it impossible to find pants, socks etc and always makes a big deal out of it.
He asked me yesterday to make sure I had washed him clean work trousers( he's a joiner so everything gets pretty dusty) I did so but I forgot to put them on the radiator. So at 7am this morning I was woken up with "did you wash me some trousers?" I explained the situation and an immense huff ensued. This has happened a few times in the past few months and I was pretty sick of him informing me that he has no clean trousers when there's no chance I can fix the problem.
Anyways, I told him I was "fucking sick of this" and stormed off. I don't know if I'm over-reacting. I do everything else..wash,clean, iron, cook a nice dinner from scratch every night as well as look after the kids all day everyday with little support from him.
Do I insist on making him make sure he has clean clothes for himself or do I just lay his bloody clothes out for him like a child and avoid him banging drawers in the morning.
I wouldn't mind if he told me when I have time to actually sort it..i.e the night before.
He ends up leaving in the morning with me in a stinking mood that lasts the whole day!!GRRRR! WWYD??
If you keep treating him like a child, he will keep acting like one. Let him sort his own bloody clothes out. You are neither his mother nor his skivvy.
You need to decide the boundaries between you so that things are fair. If he wants you to make sure there is always clean washing, then maybe he needs to take something else from your list of responsibilities.
I think if you are a stay at home parent you will end up doing more of the household things, as your other half is bringing in a wage and doing a different kind of work, but that does not mean you get to work 16 hours a day 7 days a week, just because you are not brining in the money.
Choose for yourself (or between you) who does what so that it feels both fair and feasible to keep on top of things.
Personally, I do all the washing, but if my OH needs a specific thing for a particular day, he knows it needs to be in the washing bin buttons undone, cuff links removed, pockets empty, and with notice of its requirement or it will likely not get washed.
How long does it take to put a wash on? If he's working long hours for six days a week and the remaining time renovating a house, whilst you are at home with the children, then surely he's not being unreasonable in expecting you, when asked to put some trousers in the wash.
And I know, I know all about how hard it is as a SAHM, but really - all you had to do was put them in the washing machine and dry them.
You are in the wrong, OP.
Can't you just buy a few more pairs of trousers? Then there would always be a clean pair even if you didn't manage to wash everyday.
Washing is not hard unless you dont have a machine. Sort out your washing in the evening so that it is ready for the morning. Stick it in the machine when you get up and it will be ready in a couple of hours or less. That gives you time to do another load in the morning. Simple. Your husband is working hard so I dont think he is asking for much.
What? What's with all the helpful tips on how to make your husband act like a child (aka do his washing for him)?
Tell him to do his own fucking washing. He may work hard 6 days a week. You work hard 7 days a week - and probably don't get a full nights rest either (am I right?). How hard is it for him to put a load of washing on?
He should be responsible for his own clothes.
Lots of us who work full time are capable of washing, drying and (if needed) ironing our own clothes. Guess what? Lots of us who work full time do it for our dc too.
I don't get why if there is only one WOHP in a household they become incapable of looking after themself.
Please don't listen to folk who say you should put up with being treated like his servant.
i agree with buying a couple more pairs. i just do whatever's in the washing basket every couple of days. twice a week it gets ironed. that's my routine and everyone knows it. if something special needs to be done, a kind request must be made.
i don't understand why your dh doesn't keep his stuff in the same drawers. why is he always looking for stuff?
i think it's both really. seems like your washing routine isn't working for the quantity of clothes that you have. maybe you need to do more washing if you don't have that many clothes?
but also he should stop acting like a twonk by slamming draws and throwing hissy fits. how old is he?2? he should take some responsibility too.
I think it's time to stop doing his laundry
My DH complained once, about how I had ironed something of his
I haven't done his ironing for 15 years
I asked DH about this (he was SAHP for many years when our 3 were small).
He said you were in the wrong. You should be getting laundry done during the day. Our washing machine is on near enough constantly. 7am is not early. Your DP is working long days then renovating the house. Your job is to keep everyone clean, fed and clothed. Stop pretending to be a martyr.
gnome, it's not the washing I would complain about
it's the "mighty huff" and the "making a big deal of it"
who the fuck does he think he is ? The boss ?
the "job" of a SAHP is to care for the children, not kow-tow to the tantrums of the "man (or woman) of the house"
Anyfucker is hardcore
I think what Jointhedots said is a good way to broach it. If he wants you to do his washing - what is he going to take off your plate in return, to give you the extra time? Or you're just going to have to make it clear who is washing and when - if he's doing his, make that crystal. All this fannying about is bound to lead to arguments.
I am a Sahm, the laundry is one of my jobs, it is not treating him like a child to do the laundry it is part of your work as the person responsible for the smooth running of the home while he puts in the hours at work and renovating.
Reading that it sounds 1950's but surely it's just dividing the work?
AF why? He is working 6 long days a week plus renovating the house. Where is he to find the time to do his laundry as well?
My DH used to say that doing the housekeeping was his job while mine was bringing the cash in. He made sure that all housework was done during the day leaving evenings and weekends free to enjoy together free as a family.
I think going down the my laundry/your laundry route is a recipe for disaster. Might as well stop being partners and take in lodgers.
sue, no I am not
If I don't get respect, I do not cooperate, simple
gnome, I think disrespecting your partner means that you might as well tell him/her to take a long walk off a short plank, and then take in lodgers
I am nobody's skivvy
I will do the chhores that need doing, no problem, if I am afforded the respect I deserve as an equal member of the family, not as a domestic appliance
this bloke is treating his partner like she is at his convenience
well, she is not, nor should anybody be
gnome...do you think I should do my husband's ironing then ?
It was said in awe AF, I would have caved before 15 years was up.
I think you're spot on.
You are being awkward OP. Faced with a choice between working six days a week plus renovating a house on the one hand and sat watching Jeremy Kyle and the Wright Show in between putting a wash on on the other, I know which one I'd choose. No wonder your partner is bagged off.
If you treat him as a child then you have to be prepareed for him to act that way and if he does, you just suck it up.
BTW - why do people always grease up to AF on threads ffs?
AF reading the OP I think that the 'huff' and the 'making a big deal of it' took place on both sides.
IMO being a SAHP is more than just looking after the children, it is looking after the housekeeping as well. DH's view was that the hardest part was keeping the boredom at bay. He did it for many years so I guess he knows.
I guess the OP is grumpy because she cocked up and is now trying to lay blame elsewhere. Two solutions: 1. Apologise 2. Get a tumble dryer.
sue, it's not a stand off of 15 years, there is no resentment
DH didn't like the way I did his ironing, so I invited him to do it himself, he now just does it and has forgotten that I ever did it for him, I think
AF I dont know your personal circumstances so cant say for you, you will have to work this one out for yourself.
My DH does the ironing, has always done the ironing. It isnt my ironing or his ironing it is THE ironing. By the same token, it isnt my money in the bank or his money in the bank it is THE money in the bank.
Works for us.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.