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Need some advise please

(23 Posts)
RocketRoger Wed 24-Aug-11 12:48:55

I made friends with a lady on a course a few weeks back and we seem to get on really well, had a close encounter that didn't lead anywhere due to neither of us being prepared and since have been out on "dates." We chat daily either on FB or through texts, I really like her but unsure how/if to try and take it further...
She has 2 wonderful children and we get on very well. The trouble is she says 1 thing then contradicts herself. She says she doesn't want the "hassle" of a partner due to circumstance happening in her/our lives... and yet when we are together we "act" like a couple but without the intamicies that go with it. Being a typical male I am really unsure how to read the situation and a friend of mine suggested the great people here...

Hope you can help me out. Thanks smile

greengirl87 Wed 24-Aug-11 12:51:59

i think that you need to have a conversation about exactly what you are both looking for in life/relationship so that you will be able to decide whether or not the relationship is worth continuing especially if there are children involved.

garlicnutter Wed 24-Aug-11 13:05:21

She says she doesn't want the "hassle" of a partner ... yet when we are together we "act" like a couple but without the intamicies that go with it.

I'm sorry, Roger, but without the intimacies you're not acting like a couple. More like a pair of good friends. From what you've written, she seems to be meaning what she says about not wanting a relationship.

Why don't you talk to her about being either fuckbuddies friends-with-benefits or does she see you as purely a friend, that night was a mistake?

If you're looking for a full-on relationship, I think it's only fair to tell her so. If she's not ready for that, it doesn't reflect on you personally. You just have to respect that other people are all at different dtages in their lives.

Hope your talk goes well.

justwaitaminute Wed 24-Aug-11 18:43:08

Well, it depends what you want out of really, If you're happy with casual then go for it, if you want something more serious you need to talk to her.

RocketRoger Wed 24-Aug-11 18:52:04

Thanks for your advise. I will talk to her and see what she wants too. Hopefully the same...

buzzsore Wed 24-Aug-11 18:53:08

A few weeks?

I think you're being a bit previous, RR.

I also think she's been pretty plain - if by lacking 'intimacies' you mean there are no 'kisses/cuddles/affection/sex' - and she's said she's not after a partner, then there you are: you're not a couple and she's not ready to be (and possibly won't ever be with you). What you have there is a friendship.

If by 'intimacies' you actually mean 'sex' and you are actually having kisses etc, then my answer'd be slightly different.

AnyFucker Wed 24-Aug-11 19:08:56

If you could be a bit more plain with your language, we might find it easier to help you

We are not a bunch of swooning Elisabeth Benetts on here, you know

You can say "sex" and "shag" and "condom" and everyfink

RocketRoger Wed 24-Aug-11 19:23:59

lol ok... We didnt have any condoms. We kiss, cuddle and hold hands infront of her kids, I have met her family and she mine. She just confuses me, she says she is detatched but then acts like its not the case. she makes satements about how she is and what she wants then does the complete opposite...
Sorry not much good with forums never know how to word something, so what I am trying to say gets across.

AnyFucker Wed 24-Aug-11 19:27:52

OK, so you didn't have any condoms on that first occasion

I presume you have rectified that problem since

It does sound like she doesn't want to take it any further, but perhaps being a bit unfair in stringing you along a little bit

You are not misreading signs though are you ? Just because someone enjoys spending time with you, and is a bit tactile, doesn't mean they want to jump you

The best advice is to ask her.

coffeeinbed Wed 24-Aug-11 19:34:57

Are you both in your forties?

RocketRoger Wed 24-Aug-11 19:38:59

she wont use condoms and is getting the coil fitted next month... I really don't know if I am reading to much into it... you could be right, I guess at least if I ask I will know either way. Now we are not in our 40's mid 30's

AnyFucker Wed 24-Aug-11 19:43:25

she ain't getting a coil fitted for the love of it grin

coffeeinbed Wed 24-Aug-11 19:45:01

Sorry, wrong deduction.
Look, it's only been a few weeks and she might be unsure herself what she wants. And she has children.
I wou;d tell tell her the mixed messages are confusing, have a good talk. See where it goes.

AnyFucker Wed 24-Aug-11 19:45:17

you are mid 30's yeah ?

you do realise that conndoms are to protect your sexual health and not just to prevent pregnancy, don't you ?

"she won't use condoms" hmm

I think she is putting you off

Anybody with an ounce of sense would use condoms in a new sexual relationship, until you both get tested

thefirstMrsDeVere Wed 24-Aug-11 19:46:23

Sorry but hhahahahahahaha @ Anyfucker

[serious face] hope you get things sorted OP.

buzzsorekillington Wed 24-Aug-11 19:46:56

My answer's definitely changed then. grin

[mutters grumpily to self about mealy-mouthed 'intimacy' vs 'sex'.]wink

coffeeinbed Wed 24-Aug-11 19:46:58

The coil it is a bit too much to share if she has no intention of shagging you.

tethersend Wed 24-Aug-11 19:51:55

I think she is giving you a get out clause.

By saying that she doesn't want the hassle of a relationship, she may be ascertaining your response to avoid getting hurt.

Of course, she may actually not want the hassle of a relationship, but when people have been hurt in the past they develop strategies to protect themselves; this could be one of them.

The only way you'll find out is to declare your feelings (do that first) and ask her what she wants and how she feels.

coffeeinbed Wed 24-Aug-11 19:57:18

See, you lost me there!
plain English please!

RocketRoger Wed 24-Aug-11 20:10:25

@tethersend she has been hurt in the past quite badly and it has crossed my mind as being a defense mechanism.

As for not wearing a condoms... That too could be her way of getting out of having sex.
I'll talk to her and clear the air either way I will know...

AnyFucker Wed 24-Aug-11 20:13:59

Tell us how you get on

Whether you will be a rocket, or a damp squib, Rog wink

RocketRoger Wed 24-Aug-11 20:15:47

LOL ok thanks for all your help...hoping more to be the rocket...but I will let you all know and thanks.

badmove Wed 24-Aug-11 21:20:19

I think she's unsure of herself...or you..perhaps she HAS been hurt in the past..perhaps because..like most women..if they've kids..they need more of a commitment articulated..she's not about to lay (or her kids) bare..Just be honest about what you would like...ask her to be honest ( and say it would be fine if she just wanted to remain friends..taht you could do that cause you value her as a person) but that you would like things to move forward..at a pace that suits her and her children (obviously)..but that you would like to know where she stands..how she potentialy sees you and her relationship with you.. to avoid anyone having unreal expectations or it threatening chances of a good friendship in the future..

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