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New member with unusual lifestyle.

(276 Posts)
Secondwife Wed 24-Aug-11 11:29:22

I joined up yesterday but I have lurked on here for some time now. I've not found a sub forum for introductions so I'm using this post here to introduce myself and my somewhat unusual life, and living arrangements.

As my username suggests I am a Second wife to my OH, but not in the conventional sense as we are not married and can never be. Most of you will find this very hard to understand and accept as it breaks the 'norm' with regards to relationships but we are in a Polygamous relationship. He is early 40's and is married to his wife who is the same age, and they live together without children as that is their wish. I am early 50's and live 40 miles away from them in my own home. I have three teenage children from a previous marriage and support myself and my children with the bare minimum of financial help from their Father, to which they do not see and do not recognise as a 'Father'. He left when they were all still very young, the youngest was only months old as he suddenly decided being married and a parent was not for him.

My OH was a very distant friend for many years although I was well aware that his wife did not have a huge sexual appetite. He struggled with the not wanting to cheat on her, but really needing a sexual outlet. I was celibate but frustrated and some how we became for want of a better word 'Fuckbuddies'. There was strictly no emotion between us and sex was good but that was all it was. Over the years it seems the OH began to fall in love with me and my children without my knowledge, and it was a huge shock years ago when he finally confessed he loved me/us. Over the years of us being fuckbuddies his wife grew to understand what was happening between us and she was relieved that she did not have to have sex when she did not want it and that he would not be leaving her for us, merely we would share him. And so it began... I am called his secondwife in gest by her and he spends some of each week at each home. He makes no financial contribution to my household other than paying for the odd take-away to cover food that he does consume at my house,. We go on family outings together as a proper family and my kids call him 'Dad'. That is their choice, it has never been pushed onto them, they realise which man in their life loves them and has time for them, and which does not.

The only downside we have so far discovered is that we can never 'out' ourselves to family and friends. As far as they all know we are all just good friends such is the social frowning that happens to people who wish to live a polygamous life. It is not something that any of us set out to do, it just sort of happened and it works for us.

squeakytoy Wed 24-Aug-11 11:32:32

Have you met his wife then? Are you friends?

Or are you a daily mail reporter ? grin

lubeybooby Wed 24-Aug-11 11:35:52

You're getting the shitty end of the stick. A shag and a takeaway now and then with no comittment or financial contribution to your household and no live in support and love. He doesn't deserve the title 'dad' for a few days out here and there. Fine if it works for you but I couldn't accept so little in return for all of me.

BooBooGlass Wed 24-Aug-11 11:38:29

If your children are teenagers the chances are they know anyway. You're not really teaching them about healthy adult relationships are you? Why are you happy to be 'hidden'. Fuck that. I'd not be with anyone who was anything less than proud to be with me. Why do you put up with it?

RealityVonCrapp Wed 24-Aug-11 11:38:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Secondwife Wed 24-Aug-11 11:40:32

Of course I know his wife. She knows where I live and does come over now and again. But we prefer to be kept apart as we do not intrude in each others spaces and time when the OH is with each of us. We did set a few ground rules so that no one gets hurt or feels any mistrust.

And no I am not from the Daily Mail. I realise this could seem rather troll'ish (I do frequent other forums so I am aware of such things) to people, but I can assure you I am genuine. Which is why I have been so upfront about my life and my situation, my take on things will probably be quite different to others when they have relationship problems.

I'd dearly love to be in a monogamous relationship so I can walk down the street with the man I love hand in hand, but it is not possible in this case and it is something that I have to put up with to be with the man I also love.

PrimaBallerina Wed 24-Aug-11 11:40:48

Sorry what are you asking OP? For opinions on your lifestyle? Threads are usually started to canvass opinion or seek advice but you seem perfectly happy so...

BooBooGlass Wed 24-Aug-11 11:42:39

If he loved you he'd leave her. SImple as that. Both women here appear to have shitty self esteem, but you come on here for no other reason than to apparently just tell us about your lifestyle. Great. But actually I don't believe a word of it.

squeakytoy Wed 24-Aug-11 11:43:14

I'd dearly love to be in a monogamous relationship so I can walk down the street with the man I love hand in hand, but it is not possible in this case and it is something that I have to put up with to be with the man I also love.

There you go then. You are NOT happy with the situation, you are merely putting up with it, because you are with a man who wont commit fully to you, and I think you know deep down that you would prefer it if he were to do that.

Sorry, but all I see is someone who is being treated as second best, not second wife.

Secondwife Wed 24-Aug-11 11:45:08

The children are aware of it all totally, how can they not be.

It is my choice to be financially independant, not his. When I die my house will be inherited by my children, which is why I have chosen this route.

It makes sense when you think about it from that point of view.

littlepiglet Wed 24-Aug-11 11:47:04

Lol at squeakytoy - Daily Fail reporter? Aren't they too busy reporting about celebs who've put on half an ounce, and now look just as skinny like beached whales, or picking on single mothers & their lives of excess & debauchery?

To be honest OP whatever floats your boat. I've heard of similar setups, but not for me.

To be honest I struggle to understand what is in it for the women. I want to be loved & when in a relationship I want exclusivity to that love, not to share it around like a packet of Smarties.

In my mind this kind of setup is very sexist & misogynist (this is just my opinion). It makes out that women are sex objects to be used because a man has his 'needs', and in your case the wife is surprisingly tolerant - even if I'm not in the mood, I don't want to think of DH shagging some other woman - and it certainly wouldn't make me relieved!

It doesn't work both ways though - when a woman's sex drive is higher than her partner's, you don't find men happy to 'share' their partners - it just wouldn't happen!

GypsyMoth Wed 24-Aug-11 11:47:36

What is this?

Some kind if 'look at me, I'm better than you lot cos I'm different'??

You are having an affair with a married man that's all. Where is your self respect op?

LeBJOF Wed 24-Aug-11 11:48:20

Ah, this old chestnut. Seen it before, mate. It was Extended last time. They assumed people would be fascinated too.

colditz Wed 24-Aug-11 11:49:43

You're his mistress.

AuntieMonica Wed 24-Aug-11 11:50:07

OP. If you are in a monogamous relationship, you can write a will to leave your house to your kids, can't you?

You're right, I don't understand why you are saying that your situation is ideal, yet wish it was otherwise, with regards to being able to walk around with you DP. If everyone involved in this set up is in agreement...
you're not a 2nd wife to me, you're a fuckbuddy. And you sound really sad about it.

RogerMelly Wed 24-Aug-11 11:52:00

It hoenstly doesn't matter what you have chosen to do behind closed doors if it works for you all. You don't need justification for you actions.

GypsyMoth Wed 24-Aug-11 11:52:25

Proper 2nd wife setups involve you all living together

You are his bit on the side....... It's cringey and seedy

RogerMelly Wed 24-Aug-11 11:56:43

does it matter? if they are all happy getting on with this arrangement then i don't think it is anyone elses business. each to their own and all that.

I couldn't do it myself though but that is besides the point.

You are just his mistress and his wife is putting up with it, but to each his own i suppose.

If you have lurked here "for some time" then you will have noted the absence of people introducing themselves.

What do you want from this thread? Acceptance? Reassurance?

seriouslynow Wed 24-Aug-11 11:57:14

Sounds a brilliant arrangement to me. You have financial and emotional independance, you have 3 balanced, nearly grown children who have a father figure in their lives, you have sex and affection when you need it. You have more than many women (and their children) on here who are trapped in a dysfunctional "conventional family".

I wish you peace and happiness.

And, if you're a troll, ...who cares?

AnnieLobeseder Wed 24-Aug-11 11:58:13

How lovely for him, getting two women to walk all over and all his needs met. How little respect you and the other woman must have for yourselves and each other.

Your life, your problem. Not sure what you hoped to gain with making this your first post, unless you need some help with your living situation. Why should we care?

AMumInScotland Wed 24-Aug-11 11:58:28

If you go on family outings together, and your children call him "dad" then the chances are your family and friends are going to find out sooner or later that you are not just friends.

Perosnally, I think you are both selling yourselves short if you think a half-share in a man is better than nothing. But whatever floats your boat if you are all being resonably honest with each other.

Do you want a prize for your individuality, or your honesty by posting here? Or do you want to start a fight?

Ephiny Wed 24-Aug-11 11:58:51

I agree, you don't really sound like a 'second wife' - to me, that would imply a shared household, and if it's not possible to officially marry, then at least a ceremony of committment and the necessary legal documentation, wills etc, to give you similar security and rights to a wife.

You are indeed his 'bit on the side'. I don't have any problem with polygamous relationships if that's what works for some people, and if you're happy with the situation as it is then that's great. But don't kid yourself that you're his 'wife'.

I don't quite understand why you started this thread either. Not saying you shouldn't have - just wondering what you're looking for here. Do you want advice on your situation? A debate on the rights or wrongs of polygamy? Something else?

Malificence Wed 24-Aug-11 12:01:25

Alrighty then hmm
I can't even be arsed to bite on this one..

nje3006 Wed 24-Aug-11 12:02:25

It really doesn't sound as if you are his second wife. There are some people who live together in the same household, bringing up their children together and sharing all family tasks. That's not what's happening here, you are having an affair with a man and his wife knows about it. That's all really...

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