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need advice and support

(19 Posts)
middleage3 Wed 24-Aug-11 10:22:17

have been lurking for a while
Married for 10 years with 3 kids and bascially have been unhappy most of that time.

Things got particuarly bad 5 years ago after the birth of my last child (problem pregnancy, OH didn't want to be at the birth) got depressed afterwards.

We haven't been out in nearly 6 years, we don't talk or spend any quality time together. I used to try to talk to him about this, but was verbally attacked, it was all my fault, I was mad............then I would get the silent treatment for several days.

this culminated last year in my having an affair. It was a mistake but I can understand why I did it. During this time I became very unwell and was admitted to hopsital for depression. I learned to face up to problems in my maaiage. I was so miserable and deprived of attention , care or love. I tried to get a divorce, but it was too costly, couldn't bear to put the children through it, and it was torture living in the same house.

One year on, things aren't much better , we've not had sex for over a year. we don't talk- he act likes I don't exist most of the time.
I spoke to him today saying how I felt and that we needed some time together but I was just 'nagging'

I have been resolved to sitting this out for the next 14 or so years until the kids leave home........but sometimes I just can't take it and feel its impossible. I'm normally ok when I am at work and then come home exhausted, but I'm off now for three weeks.
How does anyone else cope?
How do I hold it together?

It was his 40th bday recently and I made a huge effort, but he was obnoxious and didn't want me around at all.....I feel despair that I am 40 soon and I don't see the point......its depressing.
When we are together with the kids, I feel like a 'spare part' (they are all boys) and we don't talk even then

just needed to get that off my chest

any advice/support would be most appreciated

peppapighastakenovermylife Wed 24-Aug-11 10:39:32


That sound's miserable. Apart from the DC's what do you get from this relationship (on any level - emotional, physical, support, practical, financial)?

I am in a very similar situation - although he is not negative or aggressive towards me and we do sometimes have sex. He just doesnt show me any affection and we don't talk any more.

I too feel trapped because I feel I should keep things together for the DC. Another 18 ish years of this? Ugh.

I havent had an affair but am certainly at risk. Not so much for the sex but for the conversation and affection. Well, for the affection really.

I am trying the approach that I can get most things elsewhere (from friends - not an affair!). Conversation, social life, mental stimulation I can get elsewhere. Sex, well, you can always sort that out yourself to some extent grin but it's the affection I miss.

I can't remember the last time he hugged or kissed me affectionately. He doesnt sleep in the same bed as me.

It's horrible isn't emptyness...but kind of difficult to say it is enough to leave (or how I feel anyway).

No answers sorry. Want to come live with me? I'll give you a hug grin

seriouslynow Wed 24-Aug-11 10:50:01

Hi middle,

You poor, poor thing. It is not surprising you've suffered from depression.

No matter what your H's NOT your fault.

You can't "sit it out" for the next 14 years. You just can't. And, you know what? You don't have to.

There is help out there you know. Even the financial side can be sorted.

Did you have counselling after your depression?

squeakytoy Wed 24-Aug-11 10:56:39

Nobody should "sit out" a shit relationship for the sake of children. Children adapt, and would rather have two happy parents who live separately, than grow up in an atmosphere with two adults who only tolerate each other.

If parents split once the children grow up, it can just pile guilt onto the children that it was "their fault" that their parents have wasted such a large portion of their lives.

Cliche it may be, but we only get one life.. and to let it go by, sitting miserably hoping that one day in the distant future we can change things.. its no life.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Wed 24-Aug-11 10:56:59

was verbally attacked, it was all my fault, I was mad............then I would get the silent treatment for several days.

Does this ring bells? Maybe this therapist's site can help you.

No wonder you're depressed, and that things feel empty and pointless: you are being invalidated by the person who should love you most.

It's totally not worth the loss of your soul and any chance you have at happiness to stick it out for another 14 years, but I think that deep down, you know that.

Do you have a close friend you could talk to about how you feel, one who will offer a listening ear and sympathy?

In addition, if your feelings of emptiness and pointlessness really feel overwhelming to you, then please speak to your GP about it, and ask for a referral for counselling. You don't need to let depression grind you down. There is a better, happier you that just needs some help. Don't be afraid to ask for it.

IWantWine Wed 24-Aug-11 10:57:52

I stayed, my children are now adults and I am planning on starting my divorce. I wish I hadnt stayed, I wasted almost ten years of my life, being miserable!

I have no idea how I will cope but I cant bear to stay here any longer.

Go and get lots of advice, go to the C.A.B., (mine were so helpful!) and Womens Aid, and see a solicitor.

Good luck smile

middleage3 Wed 24-Aug-11 11:21:51

thank you kind ladies
its feels very good to get it all off my chest........

I saw a psychologist for a long time- and when I left hospital- the problem was relationship with OH............emotional abuse was mentioned.......but somehow I can't accept that and still think its all me and my fault and in OH's words 'I should be happy with what I've got'

the trigger today has been see other post re. ILs. they've never liked me and poked fun at me a lot- yesterday there was a skype call and I was ignored as if I wasn't even there- 'no hello' or how 's middleaged ?

I said it was rude- and OH didn't accept that. Its been a problem for years......

When I initiated the divorce, I didn't have the money, the children deterioted badly......OH didn't want it.....refused to sell the house......and bascially the whole thing would take years............and I was soooo tired and fed up of fighting that I gave up.........
I can't face the idea of letting the kids go, and not having them with me all the time

I normally find solace in my work, and my hobbies but yesterday I was so down I didn't have the energy to go out when OH got home.

I know I need to shrug all this off and go back to 'being' and not thinking too much.............

Peppa I've seen your posts and they strike a real chord with me. The affair whilst wrong, I remember going out of a meal and talking and talking and laughing and laughing and feeling like myself again.....
OH - will bring it up when in an argument and doesn't accept there were any reasons why I was led down that path......its 100% my fault.
I tried for years- to communicate him.......I was admitted to hospital in the middle of one of his week long strops because this time I didn't plead for forgiveness................

this is all 'woe is me' but its good to off load
Hopefully I will cheer up and throw myself back into work. OH thinks that's all my problem- depression. and 'I'm just a miserable person' but there are reasons for it all...................

Peppa a hug and a coffee would be great

squeakytoy Wed 24-Aug-11 11:36:33

'I should be happy with what I've got'

I would say "I want to be happy with what I have got, but I am not, so I am going to do something about that"

You cant change him, you can change YOU. smile

thisishowifeel Wed 24-Aug-11 12:29:37

That is almost my first post some years ago.

Just how many of these lunatics are there out there?

Yes it's abuse, yes it's utterly soul destroying, and NO! IT'S NOT YOU....IT'S HIM, IT'S HIM, IT'S HIM!!!!!!!

Staying with him is abusive to your children. Sorry, that is harsh, but it's true. This relationship is damaging your children.

Inform yourself and let it sink in. Post on here...lots. Have an affair with yourself if you like, get you back, love yourself, get more counselling, go to the GP. Do it for you, take your time, but take a step, everyday, to get you back.

There are a number of books that get recomended on here a lot, Lundy Bancroft, Patricia Evans, Websites like Dr Joe Carver, heartless bitches etc.

And here....keep posting.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Wed 24-Aug-11 13:56:35

I know I need to shrug all this off and go back to 'being' and not thinking too much.............

I disagree with you here: I think you have a lot of thinking to do! Do it, you've got a lot to process. Don't berate yourself for the perfectly natural reaction of being inward drawn when you are in a situation, and when you hold beliefs, that are making me you so miserable.

You are worth much more than you are getting. You know how much your H and in-laws are wearing you down unfairly. You ARE strong enough to leave. You will get there eventually.

Read the threads and resources that are all over MN. Write on those threads and vent. Talk to a friend. Speak to your GP. Ask for the help you need from those who can give it. You will survive this.

peppapighastakenovermylife Wed 24-Aug-11 14:26:36

I second that. You need to think about this. What do you want? What do you need (I don't mean needy, everyone need's stuff).

I have done a lot of thinking lately - and a lot of talking to different people including DH.

I have come to the conclusion he will not give me what I want / need. So do I stay for other reasons? (not sure what they are yet).

My DH often tells me how lucky I am to have him hmm and that no man is affectionate / talks about how they feel about things / listens well to a woman. He makes out I am too cerebral and academic. However according to him a woman is on to a good thing if her partner doesnt beat her up / go to the pub every night / gamble / has a job hmm.

And have a hug grin

NotQuiteSoDesperate Wed 24-Aug-11 14:44:51

Personally, I think a relationship like this is actually bad for kids. You aren't doing them any favours as they will model their own future relationships on what they have experienced here. Do you want your beloved sons to treat their partners as they have seen their dad treat you?

I don't want to be cruel, but to help you see that "staying for the kids" is setting up a horrible scenario for the future. You deserve a good life. Your kids don't deserve a martyr for a mother!

ineedabodytransplant Wed 24-Aug-11 16:18:56


you do not have to live like this, or be prepared to live like this until your kids are older.

I made the mistake of staying in a loveless, sexless marriage for 14 years after I should have left. I am now 54, wasted the last 14 years being too stupid/scared/nervous about me and my wife seperating, and probably I am too old now to move on again.

We were both miserable, and finally we sat down and agreed to go our own ways. Now we have decided that things are much better. We still have to live in the same house due to financial constraints, but luckily the house is big enough.

Don't make the same mistake I, and many, many others. have made and accept that the crap life you have now is what you deserve. You deserve to have a life that makes you feel glad to wake up in the morning.

I wish you well, I know it won't be easy. If it was I would have done it years ago.

ineedabodytransplant Wed 24-Aug-11 16:20:45

And the main thing I miss isn't sex(although would be nicegrin), but company. The sitting together with someone and just talking, holding hands.

Good luck.

ineedabodytransplant Wed 24-Aug-11 16:27:28


i would probably give you the same advice.

Possibly my wife is/was cleverer than me. She has a degree, I on the other hand am more practical. Passed all my technical certificates, completed an apprenticeship and was released a year earlier than the 5 years as I was ahead of my game. Started work on my 16th birthday and worked ever since.

But I have never hit my wife/gone to the pub every night/gambled/smoked etc. I don't know any bloke in my circle who does. Because if I did I wouldn't want him IN my circle. I treat women with respect and expect respect back. I would love to receive/give affection, I would talk given the chance and everyone says I am a good listener. The only thing against me I suppose is I am not in touch with my feminine sidegrin. I love all sports,'boys toys', etc. But I am still human.

Sorry to waffle.

liberty9 Wed 24-Aug-11 16:41:23

Wow!!!! I read this thread with the feeling that i'd written it....I can't believe how similar the situations are..

I am not alone!!!!

CardyMow Wed 24-Aug-11 18:10:51

Itsme - thank you for that link. Ex-DP does almost all of the things on there. Which is probably WHY I am finding it hard to resist when he is trying to get me to get back with him after he walked out on me 11 weeks ago.

peppapighastakenovermylife Wed 24-Aug-11 19:49:18

ineed - you sound lovely smile. From what you've written it certainly isn't too 'late' to meet someone else.

The idea of children picking up on vibes and ideas...something to think about. My DS (5 years) just referred to 'daddys bed'. It is normal for him that his parents sleep separately sad

ineedabodytransplant Wed 24-Aug-11 20:52:30

peppa, probably sound better than I really amblush

seriously, you don't need to waste your life. Life is too short to waste, I should have realised that a long time ago.

I have moved on from all the crap I had.

I wish I could meet a woman who could make me happy, but at least if i don't(and I don't expect to)I am not making my stbxw unhappy. Never what I wanted to do. Things sometimes don't work out how you want. I don't want to spend what time I have left feeling guilty, I want to feel relaxed, comfortable. Feel like I have made someone, anyone happy.

Your children will not thank you for suffering. They will only remember all the bad times. I know that all I remember from being a kid is when my dad hit my mum, and when they were both drunk them hitting us.

Please move on with your life, there will be lots of very wise advice from people on here. Don't waste your life

You deserve better

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