Hello . I am new here . I'm not sure if this should be in Am I Being Unreasonable ? but here goes . DH is a keen photographer and loves to read the various internet fora for his hobby . Often this involves critique of photos , his own or others . He showed me one such forum yesterday where he had made comments. It was a section within the website for people who do boudoir or erotic photography ( amateur or professional ) . He had commented on a black and white photo of , well , I suppose it was a woman touching her labia . Artfully shot and all that . DH commented enthusiastically on how lovely, sexy and erotic it was and how the lighting emphasised the subject and the " action " and how it was his favourite of a selection which the originator had posted . Well, I got upset. I'm not a prude and I turn a blind eye to any internet viewing he might have otherwise ( suspect it is infrequent and mild ) . We have a great marriage . I am sort of upset at being upset about it , IFSWIM . Not bothered about him looking at such work. It was the commenting that got to me . Unreasonable ?
I think the fact that he was publically acknowledging that he found the picture sexy, lovely , erotic or whatever . Those were the words he used . And that I felt that I didn't measure up to those standards . Also upset that it made me cry and that I should be more mature about it being just a photo and he was enjoying it as that .
So do you feel that he doesn't find you sexy? From what you've posted it seems as though he enjoys the pictures from a photographers point of view. Does he only look at erotic pictures or does he look at a wide range?
Speaking as a man, it would not even cross my mind to compare my wife with women in erotic photos, or women in porn movies. I would be very surprised if your husband was making such comparisons, especially since he seems to be looking at the technique at least as much as the image.
Are there any indications that he doesn't find you attractive? Do you feel insecure about your looks/body?
When I read the post my first reaction is that he wants you to model for him but doesn't know how to ask you. As long as you don't do any photos you wouldn't show granny you'll be fine. Maybe look at some old Pirelli calendars to get some idea of how art and eroticism can be combined succesfully.
Of course you don't measure up to the standards of a skilfully shot air-brushed, touched up photo. The original model wouldn't measure up to those standards either so try to remember to differentiate reality from the lies that are modern photos.
He has talked about trying to do some tasteful photos with me and I am building up the courage to do it some time . I know he would like that and they would be just for us ( I would insist on that ) . I have looked at companies like For Your Eyes Only who do photos like that for women and they are very impressive and I am sure also very confidence -building . I don't think he was comparing me to the models . The feeling was probably a sort of jealousy on my part . Irrational , yes . It was just upsetting to see his enthusiasm for the intimate image of another woman , written in black and white .
We are lucky enough to have a big seculded garden. DH and I often strip off on a hot afternoon and sometimes take photos of each other. Definitely for our eyes only. (The joys of digital photography mean there's no embarrassment getting the prints from Boots.) It's both good for a giggle and a nice part of foreplay.
I understand plantar, just because it's irrational jealousy , doesn't mean that your feelings aren't real or valid , I'd have exactly the same reaction, despite having a husband who adores me. We can't help our feelings, just acknowledge the way it made you feel and then discard it, there's no need for in depth analysis, I'm sure your DH didn't think his comments were disrespectful to you in any way - does he know that it upset you?
Yes, he knows and is being very sympathetic and understanding , I am very lucky to have him. Mal is spot on . Acknowledging and discarding the feelings is what I need to do . This has been helpful for that , thanks .
DH commented recently on someone on tv having amazing breasts (which she did, they were lovely ) I ended up in floods of tears through irrational pangs of jealousy combined with copious amounts of menopausal hormones . He said something like "she's got fantastic boobs" , I heard "your boobs are small and droopy and I don't like them anymore" , completely mental but there you go. That's not the only ridiculous thing I've ended up in tears over lately either This is from someone who's never been remotely jealous in over 28 years together - being menopausal is an utter PITA .