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Help me get myself right, please!

(11 Posts)
DirtyStopout Tue 23-Aug-11 19:49:27

Right, have name changed for this, don't want to drip feed info, but don't want this to be the longest post in the world ever either, so apologies for being a bit to-the-point! I'm not a heartless cow, just being economical with my words!

- DH and I married 6 years, one DS
- love him to pieces, but he has a very low sex drive and this is becoming a massive problem (the more he thinks about it, the more nervous he is about doing "it" so we literally go months without sleeping together). He loves me very much but doesn't show it with affectionate gestures (which is my "love language") but rather by doing things (like dishes/lawn mowing, all great, but don't float my love boat)
- i'd love to get him to talk to someone about it, or do something to spice it up, but he's ultra conservative and (a) won't like the idea of baring all to a counsellor, and (b) won't even entertain the notion of having sex outside the bedroom (even the couch is out!!)
- i recently started full time work again, and have found myself MASSIVELY attracted to a younger man (9 years). THere is massive chemistry with us, and he clearly fancies the pants off me, something I'm not remotely familiar with any more. DH sees me very much as wife and mother, but because of his lack of sex drive I genuinely don't believe him when he says he still fancies me.

I know that it would take just one word for me and this guy to cross the line, and I don't want to cross the line. Don't get me wrong, I really really want to cross the line, but that's my much-higher sex drive talking, so I need you guys please to help me by being the voice of reason.

I want to make something clear - this is NOT a thread seeking permission to have an affair. I know I can't go there, it will ruin my whole life. I just desperately need some practical advice and help to get my head straight because I don't know how long I can carry on being strong in the face of someone who actually wants me vs. someone who doesn't seem to show any signs of still desiring me.

(that was actually still really long - sorry!)

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Tue 23-Aug-11 19:51:13

You need to tell your husband how you feel and what you need.

What you have typed here is so clear - can you not copy it to him, if it's hard to say it?

DirtyStopout Tue 23-Aug-11 19:59:02

magnificent I don't want him to deel ike I don't love him anymore, and I think that's what he'll take away from this if he knows I'm attracted to this other guys.

We have literally been talking for years about the lack of sex in our marriage, and he keeps promising to change, but never delivering. I am struggling to see why me mentioning it again will have a different outcome (isn't that the definition of lunacy? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting something different to happen?)

I'm also starting to question whether I find DH attractive myself anymore. When we do have sex, it's lovely, but it's so infrequent that I'm just not used to seeing him in a sexual way. Whereas this other guy is so primally attractive and clearly highly sexed that it's hard to see him any other way!

I would genuinely have sex every day if I could - I love it, I always have, and initially 3/4 times a week with DH was a fairly decent compromise. Now, I'm just shrivelling up into an old lady.

Onemorning Tue 23-Aug-11 20:06:10

have you thought about couples counselling? DH's libido is a tricky beast and we ended up a vicious cycle - I'd get angry about no sex (and insecure etc) and he'd get anxious which made it worse and...

It's not a miracle cure, as we probably don't have a lot more sex than we did before. But it's not such a big issue as we can communicate about things better.

Good luck.

garlicnutter Tue 23-Aug-11 20:59:30

It is unreasonable to permanently deprive your spouse of sex. DH has got to meet you halfway. It's no good saying you'll try harder to be sexy, when you're not that interested in doing the deed and consider out-of-bed sex too shocking to contemplate. I was thinking you could maybe find some sex toys that do it for you, then get DH to involve himself with your experience. But that's not going to happen without a change of attitude o his part, is it? So his meeting you halfway may have to start with counselling.

Don't seduce the man at work.

Have you ever thought DH might be gay???

DoMeDon Tue 23-Aug-11 21:07:04

YY counselling - if he wants his marriage to work he will overcome his personal difficulty with speaking about it.

DirtyStopout Tue 23-Aug-11 21:11:29

I think I'm going to have to bring up counselling, as much as it will appall him to speak about this kind of stuff with a stranger. I just hope he recognises how important it is to our marriage.

I don't think he's gay, garlic - like I said, whilst our sex drives have never been perfectly matched, it did used to be much higher. It was my pregnancy that "stalled" everything, and I have some post-partem problems, so in between getting pregnant and DS being about 3 months old, we had sex only once...

He maintains that it's just about getting back in the swing of things, and onemorning has hit the nail on the head - the more we recognise it as a problem, the more anxious and nervous he gets about it...

DirtyStopout Tue 23-Aug-11 21:12:12

Sorry, "had" post partem problems. DS is 4 now.

garlicnutter Tue 23-Aug-11 21:26:50

Phew! Very relieved to hear you've no reason to query his sexuality smile

He might have a bit of a madonna/whore, mother/lover thing going on, which ought to respond quite well to counselling.

Surely you can make it clear how important this is ... Actually, most people get that a partner who wants couples counselling is pretty damn serious. Hope that conversation goes well for you.

nje3006 Tue 23-Aug-11 22:42:25

I know there are so many threads on here which say if a wife doesn't want sex that's her prerogative. I don't share that view. I think a mismatched sex life like this is a very serious relationship issue.

If you don't want to have an affair, then you MUST find a way to tell H how serious this is for you and how you have waited for him to do things differently but that has not happened...

H is not going to magically change. This guy at work is not going to magically disappear. Unless you find a way to say something to H, this won't resolve itself...

garlicnutter Tue 23-Aug-11 23:40:25

Actually, the threads on here which say if a wife doesn't want sex that's her prerogative are always about a husband who's so horrid to his wife that no woman with a brain would want to shag him!

That's a completely different kettle of fish from disregarding one's partner's needs in an otherwise well-balanced relationship.

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