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struggling to cope with exh

(11 Posts)
anothermum92 Tue 23-Aug-11 18:53:32

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Mentile Tue 23-Aug-11 18:59:25

My sympathies, I've been there. I don't think there is much you can do to change his behaviour. However I did read a great book called "Sudden Endings" which did help me to understand why he felt it so necessary to behave like a twat towards me. It also showed me what a cliche he is and I draw some comfort from that grin

kaiteysmumma Tue 23-Aug-11 19:06:02

My STBXH is pretty similar (although he didn't have an affair) He is consistently nasty when he doesn't get his own way, expects me to ask how high when he says jump etc. The only difference is that, for the most part, we have a pretty civil relationship, and can discuss DD without argument. He was pretty controlling when we were together, and now I don't have to put up with it, he gets angry and turns it all on me.

The only advice I can offer is to continue to not rise to it. If he starts, remove the children from the situation, and calmly tell him why. Keep the texts in case you need them in the future. I would view the escalation in unreasonable behaviour as evidence that he knows he's losing his grip on you. Don't respond to the texts. I find having backup, now in the form of DP, helps - people like that will rarely show their 'true colours' in front of someone else.

anothermum92 Tue 23-Aug-11 19:08:49

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Spellcheck Tue 23-Aug-11 19:09:46

That post could have been written by me. I have tried speaking to my exH, sent emails saying 'I'm the mother of your children! We were friends once, why are you like this?'. In the past, I've spoken to some of his family members who think he's just amazing because he earns lots of money (all hidden in various dodgy accounts so I got a shite settlement), NOTHING worked. He's a bloody narcissistic arse.

So the only way I can deal with it is by behaving beautifully, always smiling, always happy when we do the swap, asking how he is, speaking positively about him and OW in front of DCs. My eldest DD, who is 12, has noticed how shabbily he treats me all by herself, and has become my biggest fan because I am always, always nice to him despite all the crap he wishes were true says about me in order to justify his shitty treatment of me for the last 3 or 4 years.

Some of his family members who aren't swayed by the cash have commented on how positive I am, and are brilliant when at family do's when he brings the DCs by looking after them and sticking up for them when he loses his temper and lashes out at them. It's becoming more apparent to people what he's really like, and he's doing it all by himself.

I am afraid that some people are completely closed to hearing what they don't want to hear. Classic narcissist!!

You sound strong, your DCs are lucky to have you.

anothermum92 Tue 23-Aug-11 19:14:52

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anothermum92 Tue 23-Aug-11 19:23:22

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mrsrhodgilbert Tue 23-Aug-11 19:23:47

Your post could have been written by a very good friend of mine, but she is about 7 years down the line and is still recieving this treatment. Her dd was struggling and has been seeing a very nice counsellor at Relate who is teaching her coping strategies. They are sometimes similar to things her mum has suggested but also some new ideas which have improved her confidence when having to spend weekends with her dad.

Just being able to describe how her dad behaves to a third party and having her confirm that his behaviour is not acceptable is a great help. She now has ideas about how to deal with his moods, control issues and drinking and how to keep herself safe. She is 11. He is a managing director of a big company and an utter swine.

anothermum92 Tue 23-Aug-11 19:28:55

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kaiteysmumma Tue 23-Aug-11 21:52:31

You're not a doormat, you're just refusing to be drawn into his twisted little game. Be all sweetness and light and he just makes himself look a twat. People like this thrive on getting a reaction. If you get angry/upset, you're giving him ammunition, or at least permission to do what he does, because he makes you look the bad guy.

Another thing I did is log each incident - it sounds a bit drastic, but at least you'll have something to refer back to if you need it. Note down the date, what was said, what the kids reactions were Do keep the texts. If its at all possible, have someone with you at pick up/drop off.

Its not easy not to rise to them, and I'm the first to say I've not always responded to STBXH as I would have wanted. But it does take 2 to have an argument. The important thing is for him to see that what he says or does has no effect on you, even if afterwards you need to beat the hell out of the soft furnishings.

Feel free to PM me anytime

FabbyChic Tue 23-Aug-11 21:59:12

Hey there change your number and only communicate via the house phone which you can unplug when you do not want to talk to him.

Advise him that should the abuse continue you will cease all contact directly and he will have to collect the children from a relative.

Stand up for yourself, you are no longer with him and he has no god damn right to abuse you any longer, you have had enough and are no longer together, you do not deserve to be mistreated or talked to like dirt.

You are the mother of his children for christsakes, he cannot make you responsible for his mistakes. He needs to grow up and face what he has done.

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