Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

what is she getting

(44 Posts)
morepositive Tue 23-Aug-11 18:35:33

I have posted previously under a different name .I found out in Feb that my EP had been cheating on me with a women from work, When I found out he informed he wanted out of our25 year relationship.I did have a breakdown and did not cope well
He had told her we were already over and many other numerous lies (usual stuff) I contacted her and let her know the truth and she still stayed.
He has been with her coming up to a year now. It was a very bitter and acrimonious split
She hasn?t met any of his family.He did not invite her to a family wedding last week
She certainly hasn?t met our DS who hates her
We have started talking again, he comes straight from work for tea twice a week and we eat out once a week
We take the dog a walk holding hands
He has told me he has no intention of moving in with her, currently living at his mums , he does stay with her 2 nights pw
He is adamant he does not want children with her (he did tell me he was having difficulty getting it up !)
She is 12 yras younger than him and I would imagine at 35 may want these things, I don?t know what I?m asking here but within a year
He?s cheated on her lied to her
Continued to go on holiday with us
Continues to eat here
I suppose I am wondering what she could possibly be getting out of the relationship

wornoutbutstillwonderful Tue 23-Aug-11 18:42:13

I'm sorry but all I see from your post is a man who is taking advantage of two women, I would ask yourself what you are getting from it?, and don't you deserve more than a man who has previously lied and cheated on you and who by all accounts is still doing so.

SuePurblybilt Tue 23-Aug-11 18:45:00

I am wondering what you are getting out of it, never mind her. You hold hands, you feed him, you take him on holiday. He has his mother to live with and two women - one to sleep with twice a week and one to do family stuff with.
Why would you put up with that?

Xales Tue 23-Aug-11 18:46:35

I think I know who you are from previous posts.

He must be like a dog with two tails.

Two women thinking he is some prize rather than the wooden spoon he is.

Is this really all you think you are worth?

Spellcheck Tue 23-Aug-11 18:50:25

Ah morepositive you sound as though you may not be quite over your breakdown... he's giving you hope isn't he? And it sounds as though hope is exactly what you want.

She is obviously getting something out of the relationship, otherwise it would be over. Maybe she wants a PT relationship with no strings and it suits her perfectly.

What matters here, though, isn't what she wants. It's what you want. You want him back, he knows it and is playing on it. He's got the best of both worlds - her as a girlfriend, and you for good company and happy times with you and DS where he feels adored. He's giving you all kinds of signals that he still feels for you and there's a possibility he may want to come back. But be careful...he lied to her and could be lying to you again.

I obviously don't know the whole situation so forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn but if he's not coming back then he's being extremely unfair to you. Forget her - she knows he lied and it clearly doesn't matter to her. Does it matter that he's lied to you? Have you forgiven him?

If he wants to come back, why is he still seeing her? If he doesn't, why is he holding your hand and telling you intimate details of their relationship?

Have you spoken to friends about this? Have you seen a counsellor?

Please, please be careful!!


nje3006 Tue 23-Aug-11 19:00:04

I'm afraid my first question wasn't 'what is she getting out of it?' but 'what are YOU getting out of it?' - seems HE'S getting everything he's all about him, what a prize he must be...

kaiteysmumma Tue 23-Aug-11 19:13:26

Talk about having your cake and eating it too! He gets to play happy families with you and your DS, then gets his exciting bit on the side when he fancies it too!

For what its worth, I think keeping you dangling while carrying on with this woman, who presumably thinks this 'relationship' is going 'somewhere' is despicable behaviour, and is giving false hope to your son

lazarusb Tue 23-Aug-11 19:23:58

What makes you think he is being honest with you now?

morepositive Tue 23-Aug-11 19:51:35

i still love him thats the problem, i have had a couple of dates since he left and realy didn't enjoy then It XP i really want to be with
He has told me he will always love me but because of all we have been though over the last 5 years and the way i was he can't be with me )
in my heart of hearts i know while he is with her we won't get back but if they break up it may be possible i really need my familt to be as complete as possible and sepite everything i love him

catsrus Tue 23-Aug-11 19:55:24

he's got 3 women on the go! don't forget his poor mother sad

in your heart of hearts can you trust him? - because if you can't then forget it. I don't think, from what you've said, that he is acting in a very truthful manner - is he?

GabrieleJ Tue 23-Aug-11 20:12:24

He is using you and his girlfriend and he's getting away with it!
He knows you want him back and he's taking advantage of you.
Do you really want him back? After what he's done and still doing? Would you ever trust him again? Without trust every relationship is hopeless...
I personally think you'll get your heart broken again, please think it through do you really want that sort of man in your life?

tallwivglasses Tue 23-Aug-11 22:04:46

I remember your thread. I hate this man for keeping you dangling.

How could he after all this time? What a selfish excuse for a human being he is. You don't love him OP, you love the idea of him - or what he used to be.

Is he thinking of holding your hand while he's fucking her? He's nasty, plain nasty - for not giving you the chance to move on.

I don't know how he sleeps at night tbh angry

HerHissyness Tue 23-Aug-11 22:10:19

Love, this limbo will destroy you. he's fine, he's getting ALL his needs met, but you are shortchanging yourself and your DC.

Please create some distance from him, stop the visits for a while, find yourself.

Don't try and date, it's way too early for that, you need to heal, you need to find out who you are and you need to love yourself and put yourself first.

I know this is hard, but sometimes you have to be ruthless to get what you want.

morepositive Wed 24-Aug-11 07:07:20

Thanks for all your responses, I know you are all right but I know I do love him and do want him back.
Its me pushing for us to spend time as a family he was initially reluctant following me contacting her and some other things and had said he never wanted to speak to me again. He just wanted to take DS out 3 times pw but as he is 17 he was often reluctant to be dragged out, so I offered partly cos I felt sorry for him and I know how much he loves DS but mainly for me.
If it wasn’t for the fact I knew about her things would seem the same as he had moved out to his mothers previously but we were staying together.
I look at him some nights and really cannot believe he is with someone else, his body language is often cold to me and that’s when I realize it is over, but I get lots of cuddles which I need
We are going out for a meal as a family tomorrow to celebrate DS exams and I am really looking forward to it and we will look and act like a normal family.
I don’t know if OW knows or what she thinks as we mutually loathe each other
I want him to understand that I have changed, I understand to a degree why he left and I know I could make things work but I can’t bring myself to have the conversation I just hope as we spend more time together he will see this. Strangely one of his arguments was always the amount of weight I had put on and how I let myself go since loosing my beautiful 19year old DS, I’ve lost 3 stone, styled my hair had facials been on sunbeds , even the neighbors’ are telling me I look great but he hasn’t mentioned it once

Again thank you all for your advice but I am still puzzled why this bitch stays with him
The firm are making some redundancies over the next few weeks and I pray one of them will be made redundant because I would feel the relational would fade out as I guess the majority of what they talk about noe its not me and how mad I am any more must be wokplace gossip
I am I am seriously sad but I had a family of 4 which I adored and in such a short time it’s 2 and some days I really can’t face it

I have considered writing her a calm letter asking her to please leave whats left of my family alone

AnyFucker Wed 24-Aug-11 07:37:57


so you are now OW to the OW

you absolute mug

QuintessentialShadow Wed 24-Aug-11 07:47:42

Ok, sorry to be harsh, but that bitch probably knows that he loves her and that she has nothing to fear from you. Your EX has quite possibly told her that you are finding it extremely hard to cope with the breakup, are clinging to him, that you are very needy, and that he is putting up with this for the sake of his son. And neither of it matters as you have broken up, you are no longer a couple, and that the new and important woman in his life is She.

I know it is hard, but please wake up. Try to see things for what they are. If you really love him and want him back, give him space, dont be like a needy bunny boiler clinging to him like cling film, desperate for love and cuddles. Find your self worth and self respect. As long as you dont respect and value yourself, he wont either.....

beatenbyayellowteacup Wed 24-Aug-11 09:30:44

What bills does this guy have? Lives with his mum, eats with you, eats with the other one, lying to you, no doubt lying to this really good enough for you?

Please. This is so clear.

RogerMelly Wed 24-Aug-11 09:40:23

are you seeing a counsellor of some sort? It is all very well people being harsh with you on here but I think you need to tal;k through this relationship witha professional body if you have had a nervous breakdown. You have self esteem issues that need adressing and you need to avoid being in such destructive relationships, but posting about it ona forum board isn't going to solve these problems sad

landed Wed 24-Aug-11 09:43:06

Please please for your future sanity and dignity and that of your child's please please move on. It must be so hard for you loving him I know but you deserve so much more. As others have said so rightly he is probably showing the same side of himself to the other woman as he is to you. Three women right where he wants them. His mummy, his wife and his bit on the side. It will be hard at first but not as hard as it will be later on. Please help yourself and your son now not when it is definately going to be even harder.

Easy for us all to say I know but it's us on the outside who can see clearer than you right now and for some strange reason you have strangers out here caring about you and your ds. Think about it how many of us are posting because we have been there or seen a close sibling or friend being used in the same way. You can do it just come back here for all the support you need along the way, strangers care more than he does.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn Wed 24-Aug-11 09:46:28

You do not know that anything he is saying to you is the truth.

She might be cooling it with him and he is buttering you up just in case.

He is playing games and you will feel it harder than before.

You are living a fantasy when walking along holding hands with him, for that moment none of the rest of it happened, you still have the life and future you thought you were going to have.

It is not her, it is him.

landed Wed 24-Aug-11 09:46:49

Another thought, you say you want to right to the other woman and ask your questions, think she is probably feeling the same way about you either way both of you are being used.

pictish Wed 24-Aug-11 10:04:50

What are YOU getting??

The only thing I can think to say to you, is that it would be a cold day in Hell before I would waste my time fighting over my man with another woman.
I am number 1, always and forever....otherwise she would be welcome to him. I don't have room in my life to sit up and beg for some half arsed crumbs of attention to be tossed my way. I'm number one, or he's no-one.
Please have some self respect OP.

wornoutbutstillwonderful Wed 24-Aug-11 10:06:23

I agree with AnyFucker you have become the "ow" and how can you still want someone who is happy to keep hurting you.
I think its him that is at fault not his now partner, she is being played just as much as you.

Mouseface Wed 24-Aug-11 10:06:40


He has got you exactly where he wants the two of you. What an utterly spineless person he is.

He's not prepared to commit to either of you, so has what he wants from you both and skips along on his merry little way.

I have a feeling that this will be as good as it gets for you.

He'll NEVER come back to you full time, never. Why should he when you are letting him live like this?

You are letting him use you and worse, the DC to get to your heart strings.

I have been in your shoes. 7 years ago I wanted my XP so much that I turned a blind eye to what he was doing to me, what he was up to 'behind' my back and told myself that if I stayed, if I really loved him, then I'd be enough for him.

He will NEVER change.

It's up to YOU to.

toomanyeasterbunnies Wed 24-Aug-11 10:26:04

I don't know your back story but from what you have said I think you are still grieving. The loss of your DD and then the loss of your ex and ultimately loss of your family. You sound like you desperately want your family back together but your family trips, holding hands aren't real. You need to make a break from your ex as the only person gaining from this relationship is him. I think you need to get some counselling for yourself to regain your self esteem and to release all that grief you must be carrying. Hopefully you can then move on and have the family you want with someone who will love and adore you and it won't be a fantasy.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: