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Think I want to break up but worried re: children

(9 Posts)
sipofwine Mon 22-Aug-11 22:49:50

My partner and I have been together for 6 years but I have always had concerns about our relationship. I think we are just very different people and, I certainly don't think it's all his fault but I've always found him to have a bad temper. He's not physically abusive but if we argue he gets angry very quickly and can be extremely nasty in arguments, calling me names and criticizing everything I do/putting me down for having all sorts of 'personality disorders.' It sounds pretty awful but we have a bad row only about every few months - the rest of the time we get on OK. The other thing I should say is that I am now shouting and swearing back at him and say nasty things too which I hate about myself. I also hate the fact that the kids have witnessed this. The problem is that I don't like him that much any more - I think outside of the rows I've always really enjoyed his company but now (I'm partly just very tired a lot of the time as have just gone back to full-time work and have three yr old and 18 mth old) I just increasingly find him miserable and to have really different values to me. I think ultimately we won't stay together but we are together for now mainly because we have such small children. I know I sound like a totally heartless witch but believe me, I have tried and I definitely did love him and have tried and desperately wanted things to work out. I always felt optimistic about us until quite recently. The problem is - I think I'm only really staying with him because I know he would ask for custody of the children 50% of the time and I would just hate not to have them living with me for half of the week. I bought our house years ago and he's contributed for about 4 years but I paid off a big debt that he had and he paid me back in installments for first 18 months then we just didn't get round to putting mortgage in both our names (I know I have definitely resisted doing this - consciously - in case we split up). It's not worth any more now than when I bought it but I always wanted to keep some insurance (i' know i'd probably give him some of the value as he's paid in to it but wanted to keep ownership really). I just want opinions really on whether people think that I'm mad for staying with him for the reasons of not wanting to lose children for half the week and also if I'm expecting too much of our relationship/being idealistic wanting to be in a happier relationship??

sniffy Mon 22-Aug-11 22:56:50

what makes you think he would be allowed to have the children living with him half the time?

sipofwine Mon 22-Aug-11 23:15:01

I just presume he would because we split the child-care 50/50 and we actually did talk about splitting up about 6 months ago at which point he said he'd 'fight me tooth and nail for 50% of the custody.' Do you think I would have more right than him? I certainly don't want it to get nasty but am pretty sure it would. He's a good dad and they love him. But obviously I love them very much too and really worry about this.

FabbyChic Mon 22-Aug-11 23:18:06

Hey at the end of the day the childrens happiness comes first, not yours or your partners.

This is about what is best for the children and if that is 50/50 care then that is what it should be.

Why not see a solicitor to see what your options are.

Re your house, you wouldn't have to pay him anything, you bought it before he moved in, it is yours he has not contributed at all. He would have to leave with his stuff and maybe a divide in what you have paid for jointly.

sipofwine Mon 22-Aug-11 23:24:12

Yes, you're right, FabbyChic. I know I'm being really selfish - it is the childen who are the most important. I suppose the problem is that it's hard to be unselfish when you're talking about the prospect of not seeing them half the time. I do understand that from his point of view, though, he wants to see them half the time too. I will see a solicitor, thanks both for your posts.

sniffy Tue 23-Aug-11 00:05:50

good luck sip. I so understand your dilema.
Your kids are very young and the early years are so hard and one feels fiercely protective of them. As they get older it is possible that you would not feel quite so horror filled at the thought of your partner having them some, or even half the time.

Do you think that the relationship really is over? Or could it just be the pressure of very young children? DO you want to fix the relationship? Have you really told him what is making you unhappy?

flyingintheattic Tue 23-Aug-11 00:44:00

If you OH has contributed to the mortgage for 4 years then he can claim his interest in the house when you divorce, even if it is in your name, and theoretically get you to pay him a share, even force you to sell.

pickgo Tue 23-Aug-11 00:51:28

No he can't force a sale flyingintheattic when the Dcs still live there - not until they're 18. By which time I'd imagine OP could more than pay the H back the small amount he has contributed to the mortgage in 4 years.

You need professional, specific to you advice OP. Most solicitors offer an initial free half hour where you could get some basic advice. Don't think he'd get half custody yet either, not until DCs are older, if then.

sipofwine Tue 23-Aug-11 19:52:45

Sniffy - thanks, I'm pretty sure there's not much chance of us staying together in the long-term but I'm feeling a bit more positive today about working it out in the short-term.
Pickgo - thanks for advice - you're right re: house-sale (though I would pay him back his contribution as I think that's fair). I will go and see a solicitor just so that I know the full situation.
Thanks all for posts, I think I'm going to initiate a calm discussion re: getting on better tonight.

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