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Husband doesn't get on with my mother....

(26 Posts)
missapphire Mon 22-Aug-11 21:09:38

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FabbyChic Mon 22-Aug-11 21:12:27

Maybe she feels that two will be too much? An 18 month old baby compared to an 8 year old is really a no go isn't it. The 8 year old needs no looking after really whereas an 18 month old baby needs watching constantly.

It is surely obvious why she has the elder child? She might not be able to cope with two for a start or even want to look after a baby again.

If your sister lives away from your mother surely she is going to want to stay with her and you will visit her whilst she is at your mothers?

What is his problem?

slartybartfast Mon 22-Aug-11 21:15:48

may be she doesn't want to step on his toes, being the fatehr of the baby? but not of the 8 year old.
how do you feel about her taking only one ?
does oldest see her father?

Katisha Mon 22-Aug-11 21:19:28

How does he get on with his own family?

FabbyChic Mon 22-Aug-11 21:22:41

I honestly see where your mother is coming from, however there would be no reason that i can see why she cannot babysit at your house of an evening when the youngest is asleep.

missapphire Mon 22-Aug-11 21:28:30

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Katisha Mon 22-Aug-11 21:32:39

THe way you treat your family is not the way he treats his.
You need to explain clearly to him that your family are important to you and he is not going to isolate you from them,
I am hoping this is not a control issue with him.

FabbyChic Mon 22-Aug-11 21:33:59

I agree with Katisha, your partner is trying to get you to stop having contact with your family because he wants you all to himself.

He is trying to control you, he is not close to his family why should you be close to yours?

This is not about anything in particular it is about him.

buzzsore Mon 22-Aug-11 21:39:45

Bit of red flagging here. Making out your sister doesn't want to be with you, saying your family are strange and being arsy about your mother - seems like he wants to distance you from them, isolate you - don't let him do it.

missapphire Mon 22-Aug-11 21:43:35

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missapphire Mon 22-Aug-11 21:51:28

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buzzsore Mon 22-Aug-11 22:13:28

Well, you have to have a lot of energy and keep seeing them etc despite his disapproval, and say something like "No, you didn't marry them, but you did marry me and I am family-orientated. I love my family and want to see them, they make me happy. It would make me unhappy to see less of them and I don't know why you would want that."

Katisha Mon 22-Aug-11 22:20:32

Is he controlling in other ways?

missapphire Mon 22-Aug-11 22:22:31

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babyhammock Mon 22-Aug-11 23:03:05

How is he with your friends?
Most controlling/abusive people start off gradually in a small way...

heleninahandcart Tue 23-Aug-11 14:50:50

He is controlling on this, and possibly doesn't like the competition of your family in being the centre of attention. I first read that he may feel insecure as a father with your DM but he is creating problems with the whole family. Take advice from the good MN's with experience of this and stand your ground, make it clear this is unacceptable and that your family will always be in your life. The last thing you should do is facilitate this by trying to appease him, it won't work he'll just shift the goal posts - DM, sister, friends....

OneMoreChap Tue 23-Aug-11 17:36:46

XW used to insist on every weekend at her parents.
I suggested 1 of 3 just us 2 of 3 at hers. Nope.

If you're not robbing all your nuclear family time to be with your side, no problems, and he should stop whining.

missapphire Fri 26-Aug-11 23:12:04

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ChitChattingaway Fri 26-Aug-11 23:22:19

Some people are naturally insular, and just prefer to be with their own little family. Others don't, and prefer having a close extended family and lots of friends. If two people with different styles are a couple it can lead to difficulties. However, if they both respect each other, then they will find a middle ground or some compromise where both can be relatively happy.

That's not what is happening here. Your DH doesn't have much to do with his family. You indicate that he doesn't have many friends either ('we never see anyone socially normally'). So he is a very insular person, not wanting to mix with others. Instead of respecting that you not only want but you need a larger circle around you he is also being controlling - and this is where it gets truly unpleasant.

If you let him cut you off from your friends and family you will only have him. Clearly that's what he wants, and you need to ask why. There are quite likely a whole lot of insecurities that are making him like this, which is why he is trying to turn it around and make it look as though you are being the selfish one.

You need to address this issue, because if you let him isolate you I can't see you being happy.

missapphire Fri 26-Aug-11 23:34:11

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Pigglesworth Sat 27-Aug-11 00:05:40

Depending on his personality, sometimes it can be helpful just to get the issue out in the open and let him know you are "on to him" and will not tolerate his behaviour. It sounds like he is not violent so how would he react to you saying the following:

"You know what, I have noticed that whenever I want to see my family or friends you become negative and angry about it and try to persuade me not to see them or tell me bad things about them. For example, you complained about attending my family wedding, you criticise my mother and you have tried to persuade me that my sister is "against me". You are trying to come up with reasons why I can't catch up with my uni friends, and you did this last time as well. You complain about family functions that I want to attend. It is very important and perfectly normal for people to want to maintain relationships with friends and family, myself included. And did you know that what you are doing looks exactly like what is widely known to be an abusive tactic - the partner trying to isolate their partner from friends and family? If you don't believe me, look online. Did you intend to look like you are trying to use an abusive strategy? Regardless, I just want to let you know right now that I am no longer going to tolerate your complaining about me seeing my friends and family. From now on I would like you to stop speaking negatively about my friends and family, and stop trying to prevent me from seeing them. This is totally unacceptable and you will never succeed in turning me against my friends and family. If I notice you doing this in the future, I am going to pull you up on it, and in fact it will only make me more intent on maintaining close ties with my loved ones."

Then in the future if he bitches/ moans/ makes excuses why you can't see a loved one, you could say, "You know, this sounds like another effort to turn me against my family/ stop me from seeing them. Remember that that's not going to work anymore - it is normal to want to maintain contact with your loved ones and that is what I am going to do. Please stop criticising my friends and family, I find it very negative and wearing and it's certainly not going to work in changing my feelings towards them, it only negatively affects my feelings towards you because it looks like you are doing something that abusive and controlling partners do."

Obviously these are massive monologues but the idea is:
1. Don't tiptoe around the issue - make it clear you know what he is doing, and that it SEEMS like he is using a controlling tactic.
2. Make it clear that it is totally unacceptable and he must stop - "nip it in the bud".
3. Make it clear that his efforts will not work and will only increase your dedication to seeing friends/ family.

missapphire Sat 27-Aug-11 15:24:49

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HansieMom Sat 27-Aug-11 16:45:49

Your last message leaves me gobsmacked--and I'm not even English! You gave him 25k for debts and he's done it again. Busy little so and so, isn't he?

Pigglesworth Sat 27-Aug-11 23:25:01

Well I think you should just stick to your guns and refuse to compromise on this issue. Perhaps he is going all-out trying to justify himself to try to put you "back into your place", and to persuade you that in fact he DOES have "good" reasons for this campaign of enforced isolation. It sounds like he is trying to make you feel bad/ guilty for having a different opinion, by framing it so that if you don't bow to his will, you are "putting others before your own family".

I wouldn't try to reason with him regarding seeing your uni friends. I would just say this is non-negotiable and just do it. The reality is that socialising does not have to be expensive and it is a fundamental part of a well-rounded life - not something you "give up" for the sake of saving money. It sounds like reasoning/ arguing/ compromise is not going to work with this man, maybe seeing friends/ family needs to be an off-limits topic and if he doesn't like it he can stay at home while you go out, surely that will cut down on the cost too.

He sounds selfish and like he thinks he's above you - apparently whatever he spends money on is "worth it" and doesn't need to be discussed, whereas you have to justify any money that you spend. How did he develop a $25,000 debt again within a year? If he's so worried about finances, why doesn't he scale back his own spending habits? Purely speculative here, but I wonder if maintaining a significant debt is something that he feels more comfortable with because it then becomes a means of controlling your behaviours?

missapphire Sun 28-Aug-11 10:49:07

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