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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

pls can one of you help without judging?

21 replies

plscanyouhelp · 22/08/2011 18:31

i was looking after dh's phone whilst he was doing something and for some reason i started looking at messages. he's not v good at using txt messages so wasn't surprised to see v little but one number did have quite of "lovely to see you" etc type messages but the one that upset me was when i looked at sent folder, he replied to that number with "me too xxx". dh is not the most affectionate person in the world (he used to be) and this has upset me unexpectedly. the number is not saved so i don't know who it belongs too. before i get myself into a state, i was hoping one of you could call the number, hopefully it goes into voicemail and let me know who it is? i know even if it turns out to be her sister or something equally innocent, it probably means there is something wrong with our reln if i can think he can do this, but please if you can help, can you just do this one thing and don't be too harsh on your judgement?
thanks
if you are happy to help pls pm me.

OP posts:

Report

caughtinanet · 22/08/2011 18:35

Could you ring it yourself and put 141 in front of the number so your number doesn't show up. If its a voicemail you might recognice the voice.

plscanyouhelp · 22/08/2011 18:37

are you sure that would work?

OP posts:

caughtinanet · 22/08/2011 18:39

yes, afaik it will work - test it by calling your landline from your mobile and then do 1471 and it will say that an unknown no has called.

plscanyouhelp · 22/08/2011 18:40

no mobile signal here!

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 22/08/2011 18:41

Or call the mobile from the landline...

lubeybooby · 22/08/2011 18:42

Yep dialling 141 first witholds your number.

caughtinanet · 22/08/2011 18:47

Is your landline with BT ?

bt.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/9952/~/how-do-i-withhold-my-telephone-number-when-making-a-call%3F

PinotsKittens · 22/08/2011 18:52

Oh dear OP.

Ask your DH about it?

ImperialBlether · 22/08/2011 19:46

Where was he when he sent them? What time of day?

samhaircin · 22/08/2011 19:53

If you put 5 after the first 3 digits of the mobile number it should go straight to her voicemail (mind you she might not have it set up, or not have used her own voice message on it).

plscanyouhelp · 22/08/2011 21:33

i can't remember where he was that time it was sent as just had a baby (our 3rd). it was a back to back message that said (him: "great evening!" and then the other person: "lovely etc or such like, i can't remember and then him: "me too.xxx"). i feel sick. it's the three xxx that makes me sick. i tried the number but it only rings and rings with no voicemail. he knows i've been acting funny since this afternoon but he is leaving me to it - he knows i've been through his phone and blackberry as he left it with me and saw me looking through them. and then he opened it again, and it opened on those messages. and then he had to do something again (go into doctors) and promptly handed phone and blackberry to me again as if there was nothing to be guilty about.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 22/08/2011 21:35

Why dont you ask him about them? It is bothering you and is going to eat away at you until you get some kind of answer.

Ring the number from his phone!

plscanyouhelp · 22/08/2011 21:39

i feel pathetic. i really don't want to ask him. i actually don't feel like i have the emotional reserves tonight - what with 7 week old baby as well. i almost wish he would just say, "right, you've been acting funny - is it because of this message you saw -- and then give me a completely innocent explanation". i can't face a big talk at the moment if that's what it will come to.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 22/08/2011 21:58

It's going to just go on hurting you all the time until you get some answers, but I understand the need to not want them right now in case it is something you don't want to hear.

Does he spend a lot of time doing his own thing?

plscanyouhelp · 22/08/2011 22:07

apart from drinks with colleagues once every couple of weeks or so, not much time apart from us. all weekends with us. all holidays with us. even when he gets home from work, he puts kids to bed, has dinner with me to chat, watch telly together - or if he decides to read a book, will do it whilst i am in kitchen. but what do i know. maybe it's my hormones and insecurity....

OP posts:

SimplyTes · 23/08/2011 10:20

Hello, just wanted to post my support and say I hope you got a good answer. Both my DH put kisses after all our messages, sometimes more than one! I'm hoping its nothing but if you don't get an answer ringing the number just ask DH and blame it on hormones. When DS were 7 weeks old I couldn't think straight. Good luck.

plscanyouhelp · 26/08/2011 10:30

Update. essentially dh thinks I am bonkers reading too much into text message. I looked again (bad I know), he said it was to an old colleague he hasn't seen in 20 yrs and that tallies with him saying he was going to an old office drinks party that night. But I also know he had an ex girlfriend there. Anyway. The message from her says "really lookin forward to seein you around October time. X" and the drinks was in end June so I suppose that's the next drinks do. He replied "me too.xxx". But the previous message to this was from her saying "you must tell me if you had a boy or a girl and some other mundane thing about someone else". Now it could be the ex girlfriend or someone else. It doesn't look like something is happening yet but I do feel insecure that they seem to be so happy to see each other again. Or I am bonkers and hormonal after having a baby. I did go over the top an didn't speak to him for a couple of days and said to him I he is developing feelings for someone else i'd rather he just left. He looked aghast and slightly amused that I said that after one text message. He still leaves his phone around and I checked his call log and he hasn't phones her or anything since ne seeing the message. In fact it doesn't look like he called her ever. He deleted messages now but it's still on his deleted folder - he is not v tech savvy so I still found it. But because the number is not saved, it actually probably means he has lost her number now.
What do you guys think?

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 26/08/2011 10:35

Please bear in mind that it is perfectly possible to be fond of an XP without any wish at all to rekindle any kind of couple-relationship with that person. Your H is leaving his phone lying around and not acting in a particularly suspicious manner. With a new baby your hormones are all over the place so it's possible you are over-reacting.
However, what's your history with your H? Has he previous form for flirting or inappropriate closeness with other women? Have you previous form for breaching monogamy? If your marriage has always been filled with trust and mutual support then I think you need to take a few deep breaths and get over this before it becomes an issue, as no-one likes to live with a jealous, paranoid, snooping partner, especially when there is actually nothing to be jealous of.

plscanyouhelp · 26/08/2011 10:39

No history of bad form. We have been through a lot together and pretty solid. I said sorry for snooping and he kind of just ruffled my hair and said you really shouldn't be doing that. But clearly I was/am still insecure enough to look again. Maybe I am bonkers.

OP posts:

deste · 26/08/2011 12:09

I think you are overreacting. If he was guilty of something he would keep his phone hidden, certainly not hand it back to you. I think you can definitely blame the hormones. He was probably being polite on the phone.

solidgoldbrass · 26/08/2011 13:52

This really does sound like postnatal hormones. I remember extreme paranoia with regard to DS dad when DS was a baby (not over monogamy issues which are of no relevance to me, but over him deciding to sue for custody - which he never did, never would have and never will: he's now an excellent co-parent).
Other than this business of texts, how are you feeling generally? Are you eating and sleeping OK, enjoying your newborn?

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