Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Using me or just shy?

(9 Posts)
Dillydaydreaming Mon 22-Aug-11 15:30:53

Need some independent advice. Was introduced to a man 6 weeks ago and have been seeing him for a month. Prior to that I was getting lots of emails per day from him and we seemed to have lots in common.
So we had a couple of dates and much to my shame I jumped into bed with him on the second one. I actually NEVER do this and it's the first time I have got into a sexual relationship so rapidly. Am 46 now so not a young and impetuous type.
Anyway, since that first week we are now down to one meeting a week. These are always good and fun. Sex is lovely, he is very loving and not a wham bam man. He wants me to enjoy it even to the detriment of himself.

He is 53 and has only ever had 2 relationships. Never married and as such I think he is a bit stuck in his ways. He had a difficult childhood and a poor relationship with his mother ( says whatever he did wasn't good enough for her) so he fears rejection.

He works long hours and as it's summer is in on overtime a lot. He texts me up to 7 times a day but rarely rings in between our dates.

My gut feeling is that he isn't emotionally ready for a relationship at the moment. His last significant relationshp ended because she cheated on him.

He seems to like me but all our dates end up with sex. This has actually been nice as it was 5 years since I previously had sex. On the other hand I don't want just a weekly meeting with sex either. I told him right at the start that I was not up for a "friends with benefits" relationship but 6 weeks in it's beginning to feel like that.

I like him, he is a nice man, very kind and caring to others. My friend has known him 20 years and says he is not a man to use and abuse women. On the other hand she is as puzzled by his actions as me. Surely at the beginning of a relationship you want to see each other a lot.

Am betting you are all about to confirm what I already know - that he just is not that interested in me beyond a nice date and sex once a week.

I am better than this though and am worth more than just a night of passion followed by silence.

workedoutforthebest Mon 22-Aug-11 16:23:31

No. He is not using you. He just seems very scared of rejection. It seems to me that once he has put his trust in you, he might then start contacting you more in between dates. Give him a chance smile

MilkandWine Mon 22-Aug-11 17:03:01

How about the next time you meet up making sure your do something that won't automatically lead to sex? That way you will soon find out if he's just looking for someone to sleep with or whether he likes the real you. Theres nothing wrong with being honest, tell him you would like to get to know him better as a person and that you are interested in his mind as well as his body. Nobody in their right mind could fail to take that as anything but a compliment.

I have been in relationships where in the beginning we would see each other very little. Then it built up over time. I think men are much more frighted of rejection than we give them credit for to be honest. He clearly doesn't have much experience of relationships, he could just be a bit clueless as to how he is supposed to go on?

I would read much into the not ringing thing. Most of the men I've ever been out with would rather cut their arm off than ring you. Texting is much easier and safer and unfortunately lot's of people will take advantage of the fact. You don't get the same heart racing fear from sending a text as you do from picking up the phone and speaking to the object of your affections. So people stick to the easy option. It's a shame though, I hanker for the days when people picked up the phone and called.

MilkandWine Mon 22-Aug-11 17:03:13

Wouldn't read I mean.

Dillydaydreaming Mon 22-Aug-11 17:11:35

Thank you. Might break my text ban today then.
Invited him for dinner after work next week and and he said yes then I sent him a text suggesting Friday evening but when he sent me a reply later he didn't mention yes or no to that day. Just am not sure where I stand with him tbh.

Dillydaydreaming Mon 22-Aug-11 17:18:26

Blimey - just writing a text when I got one from him. Yes - he is coming for dinner Friday. DS will be here so no sex in the offing, just dinner and home to bed for him.

ameliagrey Mon 22-Aug-11 17:34:33

It's a cliche- but if you want someone to change their behaviour, you have to change your own first- and they will follow.

Texts are a safe way of communicating but I hate them. I am not single, but even if I were, I wouldn't text- you can't hear the person's voice- it's not an intimate way of being in touch IMO. I only text someone if I am going to a meeting and am giving my ETA for example, or to say a quick "Lovely to see you" after a meeting. Maybe that's an age thing- am older than you, nearer your date.

If you are sick of texts, then don't reply by text- ignore and call him, or suggest he does that with you.

It sounds as if the once a week thing is a control mechanism for him. Is he pacing this relationship so he stays in control?

Do you see each other on the same day each week? That can get boring and predictable too.

if you want to see him more, why not n between dates ringup up with a "surprise" invitation- say you have just found out X is on etc etc, and does he want to go?

Might be interesting to see what he says.

I think you are allowing him to set the pace, and apart from some straight, honest talking, your only option is to try to ring some variations and see how he reacts.

Dillydaydreaming Mon 22-Aug-11 17:48:11

Thank you ameliagray - yes we text a great deal but I might start replying by phone if I know he is at home.

Our dates vary according to his work shifts and he is working a great deal at the moment, yes it coukd be a control thing to ensure he doesn't get too close too quickly. I think that happened last time and he got badly hurt by her.

So this week it's on Friday and I might suggest the pictures one evening over the weekend to see what he says. No sex likely on either night as I will have to get back for DS.

oldwomaninashoe Mon 22-Aug-11 18:50:39

If he is working a lot could it be he is just plain tired, and feels if he sees you more than once a week he might be expected to "perform" IYKWIM !!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: