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Nothing could hurt more...

(14 Posts)
upturnj Mon 22-Aug-11 15:08:50

I have two DC's aged 3yrs and 9mths and had a miscarriage before DC1 and two miscarriages before DC2. I was heartbroken after my 3rd miscarriage and my DP blamed me for it, saying that I'd drank too much alcohol on the night I suspect I conceived. I was admitted on the day of my 3rd miscarriage and when DP came to pick me up my sister called. She hadn't any idea of what had happened and he let rip at me for not telling her.

Obviously we had sex again hence the arrival of DC2 but the upset he caused me has not gone away and its causing problems between us. I have spent night after night crying and then DP wonders what is wrong with me when I wake up the next monrning unhappy? His philosophy is start each day anew.

I have no one to talk to about this as I only have a couple of 'fair weather freinds'. I have no libido at all and it's causing us problems. We are starting counselling tomorrow which I guess is a good start. I'm terrified about talking about this. Even 18months down the line the pain is just so immense. I struggle to even sleep next to DP because of the pain he has caused me. Most of the time I put on a brave face but it's eating me up inside and I'm wondering if I have postnatal depression which is just making it worse.
To add my parents have never wanted to look my children (but that's another story) and DP's parents work all hours so we have to rely on expensive babysitters to get any time together. The last time was in February. I'm also due to go back to work in a couple of months which I'm dreading. I'm wondering if these are all contributing factors to how I am feeling.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Mon 22-Aug-11 15:17:11

Well done for arranging counselling. Can you say in your first session everything you've said here, and see where it takes you?

Therapy is a safe forum in which to be heard; I hope your husband is receptive to listening to your pain, which is so apparent in your post.

You have all my sympathy.

buzzsore Mon 22-Aug-11 15:26:32

Well of course he wants to start every day anew, cos that way he doesn't have to face up to having been an utter bastard to you when you'd both experienced a loss. Did he ever apologise for blaming you? Or does he stand by what he said? It was a monstrous unfair thing to say to you at a time when you should have been able to lean on each other.

I'm glad you're going for counselling. Perhaps you should also do some on your own to tackle the grief of the miscarriages and your dh's treatment of you? Also think about seeing the GP about your possible PND. If you knock down some of the things that are weighing on you, your mood will start to lift and you'll be able to see ways forward.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. The miscarriage wasn't your fault.

upturnj Mon 22-Aug-11 15:32:57

Thank you. I'm resting all hope on the counselling sessions (I guess I will need more than one) and am full of hope that I can learn to deal with this. I have always been a forgive but never forget sort of a person. I think this can be applied with friends but not the man you live and share a bed with.

upturnj Mon 22-Aug-11 15:39:20

buzzsore no he has never apologised. Since the arrival of the DC's I have always tended to go to bed first and he knows that I cry when I'm lying in bed.
I have said hurtful things to him too about his family (utterly irrelvent to this situation and before the M/C's) this actually makes it worse because to me it makes me feel like he's deliberatly tried to hurt me instead of just saying things in the heat of the moment, which I had done. I'm not at all afraid of being on my own and being a single mum I just want to try everything possible to not let that happen for our childrens sakes.

HappyHubbie Mon 22-Aug-11 15:49:34

The only thing I want to add is that I know from personal experience that a miscarriage affects the father as well. Certainly not to the same extent, but if you've both been TTC then it's a loss you both feel and need to grieve over. I remember when it happened to us, everyone was (rightly) concerned about my wife and how she was - nobody, not my parents, my friends - nobody ever asked how I felt about it. I remember feeling very lost as I was having to be strong and supportive for my wife, but inside it was eating me up too.

I'm not trying to defend what your DP said, that was a horrible thing to say to you, just want to try and put the situation in context. It sounds like you both want to get past this, and I really hope you can.

HerHissyness Mon 22-Aug-11 16:48:27

So he blames YOU for drinking too much on the night you conceived the baby, you had 3 MC, and he shouted at you on the day you came home from hospital?

He never makes up for what he does or says, he never properly apologises and clearly never prevents himself from repeating the same kind of mistake where you are concerned over and over again. YOU on the other hand are not entitled to EVER have the hump, because HE starts the day afresh? hmm

You clearly have endured very difficult relationships before you met this guy, and tbh, that may be why you are putting up with what - to me - appears at the very kindest, bordering on abusive.

Why do you have so few friends? Your DP doesn't like you having friends is it?

Your idea for counselling is a good idea, but if he IS abusive, then it'll be a waste of time, he'll only learn better ways to hurt you.

I think if you get some distance between someone who thinks it OK to shout at a woman coming out of hospital for ANY reason, let alone the loss of a 3rd baby,you may find your 'depression' lifts.

MrsHicks Mon 22-Aug-11 20:06:27

It can take up to a day (in theory longer) between the time you have sex and the time is fertilised. Then once the egg is fertilised it takes another 7 to 10 days to be implanted in your uterus. And there is still no blood supply in the embryo at that time.

There is no physiological way that the alcohol you drank on the night you had sex reached the embryo, much less caused the miscarriage. It is simply impossible.

If I were you, I'd print out reliable information that explains the conception and implantation process, show it to him and tell him to get his facts straight before spouting off a process he clearly knows nothing about and then demand a massive apology.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Mon 22-Aug-11 20:31:50

HappyHubbie I am certain your feelings are very real and shared by many men whose partners have miscarriages.

However, not all men are affected by their partners' miscarriages. I'm thinking of abusive twats who are unable to practice empathy, and seek only to undermine and control. This too comes from personal experience.

upturnj Mon 22-Aug-11 20:55:36

I feel a bit better now than I did when I wrote this and thats due to your replies. A big thanks to you all. I know DP never thinks about the miscarriages and that just makes it worse for me. Happyhubbie your wife is lucky to have your support and I hope you have had better luck since your miscarriage.
herhisseyness I have pretty much daily contact with a small circle of friends but each one of them has let me down in the past. Why are they still my friends you may well ask? It was a long time ago and on the face of it I've moved on and appreciate their contact. I wouldn't ever confide in them though. I do have trust issues with everybody and your right this does come from a previous emotionally abusive relationship which I found difficult to move on from because this circle of friends (and some of my family) still maintain a close friendship with him. I do have a couple of other friends who I know I could rely on but once bitten twice shy seems to be my motto and I need to be able to deal with this in my own way. You've hit the nail on the head in that I feel I'm being punished if I have the hump in the morning. I consider myself to be a very selfless person so have I dug a hole for myself by putting up with all of this? Sometimes I've thought about moving away with my two DC's and starting again.
mrshicks I shall print out your reply and serve it up with his cup of tea tomorrow morning hmm

upturnj Mon 22-Aug-11 20:59:30

Itsmeandmypuppynow sorry to hear of your own personal experience. May I ask if you are ok now?

clam Mon 22-Aug-11 21:09:42

"serve it up with his cup of tea tomorrow morning"

You're nicer than I am. I wouldn't be serving him up anything!

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Mon 22-Aug-11 21:29:15

Hi upturnj I am lucky to have very supportive friends, psychologist, GP, boss and colleagues. I am currently divorcing my H. I have lost my dreams of a happy marriage and family, I am going to lose my home, and I have had all my foundations shaken by the discovery that not only my H but my mother are abusive -- making me the victim of abuse my entire life.

Still, the loss of my pregnancy a year ago is what grieves me the most.

My miscarriage was a catalyst for my divorce, I think. The pain was so huge, that I finally could not, on top of it, take the pain of my stbxh's verbal and emotional abuse (and physical intimidation) anymore. And of all the things my stbxh has done, the one that hurt the most, and is now the only memory that still really angers me, was his attitude around my miscarriage. Although outsiders would say that other things he did are objectively worse.

It was an MMC that took 6 weeks to resolve. One day during this period I was crying in bed, and my stbxh passed by on his way to make himself coffee. Over his shoulder, he said: "When are you going to stop crying? I want you back." Then he went on his way. I had, thanks to MN, heard that men are affected by miscarriages too, so thought that surely he was covering up his own pain with that callous statement. So I probed his feelings: did he feel any sense of loss that he might want to share with me? In response he swore and raged at me, and broke down a door with his fists, calling me names and asking : "How dare you ask me to have feelings that I simply don't have?". Once he had cooled down, the destruction of the door was, of course, according to him: "It's your fault; you made me angry."

I have no idea if this is helpful or relevant to you. But the pain in your post really touched me, since I have also experienced the twin sorrows of miscarriage, and an un-empathetic and blame-proof H.

FabbyChic Mon 22-Aug-11 21:32:00

YOu can spend time together at home when the children are asleep, you really don't need to go out to do that.

You do sound like you are suffering from some kind of depression.

However I'd not want to sleep with a partner as nasty as yours and am surprised you did again.

Maybe you are only just beginning to realise what a piece of shit he is.

Sex starts a long time outside the bedroom. It isn't all about what goes on in it. If he treats you with disrespect you will not want him near you.

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