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Help- want to kill DH but giving him the silent treatment instead.

(16 Posts)
seeingonlyred Mon 22-Aug-11 13:25:14

I am so angry with DH and I don't know how to deal with it. Generally when we disagree we get things out in the open, do some arguing and then come to a compromise. Usually after we have both calmed down and listened to each other's point of view we find some middle ground and move onwards and upwards.

However DH has been very very stupid. He played tennis last night, then went to the pub afterwards. He was driving. He came home quite a bit later than promised, and promptly threw up. He admits he was over the limit but said he had not drunk enough to be ill and blamed his empty stomach and dodgy beer (this is irrelevant though as he was clearly over the limit).

I am so angry I do not know what to do with myself. I don't do angry very well. I have been quite calm. He knows how very stupid he has been, claims he has no idea why he did it and has apologised profusely.

This is a one off. He does not have a drink problem. Before last night I would have said he was completely anti drink driving, I cannot imagine what he was thinking.

I would really appreciate some advice on what to do next. He wants to forgive and forget. I am too angry, I almost feel like punishing him somehow. I am currently barely speaking to him and told him this morning that I do not want him to touch me as I am struggling to get me head around his stupidity.

Is it ok to give him the silent treatment? It feels childish but I don't want to talk to him. Ranting and raving seems pointless as he knows how stupid he has been. I need to show him how angry I am but I don't know how.

To complicate this, DD and I are going away for 5 days on wednesday so if I am not careful we will part on bad terms which will feel terrible but I am not ready to forgive him. I also don't want DD to pick up on my childish silent treatment.

Any advice gratefully received.

AnyFucker Mon 22-Aug-11 13:28:26

I would be beyond furious too

TBH, I think you should just respond in a way that makes you feel best

Don't think of his feelings in this situation, he doesn't deserve your consideration, tbh

If you go away on bad terms, so be it

if you don't want to make polite chit chat, then don't

it's not your fault is it ?

of course he would like to just brush it under the carpet and never be mentioned again

not so easy though is it ?

Tommy Mon 22-Aug-11 13:29:16

I think the silent treatment is a bit childish TBH but can you tell him that you are so angry that you don't know what to say yet ?

If he knows that what he did was wrong and it's not a usual occurrence, there's not really much else you can do but take a day to cool off and then make it up with him before you go away.

AnyFucker Mon 22-Aug-11 13:33:21

it's not "silent treatment" if you just don't really want to talk to him though

"silent treatment" implies (to me) a calculated way of punishing someone

there are times when my husband hasn't deserved my polite chit-chat and good will towards him...I then don't talk to him until I feel ready, not because i am punishing him

it's not about him it's about how I feel, and that is my primary concern (and certainly would be in this situation)

nocake Mon 22-Aug-11 13:35:22

He knows that what he did was stupid and he's apologised. What more are you expecting from him? Personal flagellation? He's not a child to be punished. He's your husband who made a mistake that he's apologised for and you being childish isn't going to help.

Kewcumber Mon 22-Aug-11 13:39:00

you are allowed to be cross and you are allowed to be too angry to speak to him. I agree that "SLENT TREATMENT" as a punishment is childish but I see no reaosn at all why saying to him - "I am too angry to be polite to you at the moment so please steer clear until I have calmed down" is not perfectly reasonable.

Kewcumber Mon 22-Aug-11 13:42:28

It generally pisses me off when the prevailing attiude is "well they've apologised so what more do you expect". Well personally I expect to be furiously angry for as long as I want to be when someone does something ludicrously stupid.

Otherwise if they apolgised fast enough (ie as they walk in through the door) then you aren;t allowed to be angry at all, ever. Why aren't you allowed to be angry when someone does something truly dangerous. Even y 5 year old understands that saying sorry doesn;t always make it alright.

seeingonlyred Mon 22-Aug-11 13:45:40

Thank you for the replies.

I guess it is more of a 'I don't know what to say yet' situation, than a calculated refusal to speak a single word to punish him.

I am not refusing to say anything at all, I just can't bring myself to make any kind of conversation. It feels as though talking to him normally would imply that I have forgiven him, but I haven't I am livid.

He could have killed someone, or himself, risked his job etc.

AnyFucker Mon 22-Aug-11 13:50:36

kew precisely

an apology doesn't mean that OP should just get over herself

frostyfingers Mon 22-Aug-11 13:54:07

Find a picture online of the result of an accident caused by drink/driving and show him that......

Not nice, but relevant and will hopefully make him realise the possible consequences of drinking and driving. I think you need to let him know that you are really angry, and frightened about what might have happened - leaving you without a husband and kids without a father, killing or injuring someone else - and then draw the line, don't let it fester for too long.

Hopefully once you've had your few days a way things will be easier.

garlicbutter Mon 22-Aug-11 13:55:36

I have a Special Angry Voice that I actually practised!! It's not loud or shrieky, it comes from deep, deep down and casts no doubt whatsoever on my fury. I always feel I've expressed myself adequately with it grin

I agree, feeling too pissed off to talk to someone isn't the same old crap as "sending them to coventry". Meanwhile, you might care to experiment with your own frighteningly authentic Angry Voice wink

AnyFucker Mon 22-Aug-11 14:00:12

I have the special look

My family know they have crossed the line when they get it

seeingonlyred Mon 22-Aug-11 14:07:04

Yes that is what I mean Kew, in this situation an apology does not make it OK.

Frosty that is a good idea although I think he knows for himself the devastation he could have caused. Somehow it makes it worse that he knows how stupid it is, yet he still did it- it sort of rocks my underlying trust in him as a decent human being.

He didn't miscalculate by a unit or two- he was drunk

WondersOfTheWorld Mon 22-Aug-11 14:11:06

I would personnally make clear to your DH that your reaction is a 'I don't know what to say' situation though. I would be telling him that you don't feel like talking to him as you are so angry.
I would also be careful to still be talking to him (even if with shorter sentences, not having long talks etc...) then it is will be clear to him that you are not stonewalling him - this is such a damaging/hurtfull thing to do.

WondersOfTheWorld Mon 22-Aug-11 14:12:13

And what kew said

Smum99 Mon 22-Aug-11 20:29:17

I get why you are so angry - I would be very similar.If I'm angry with a person it's usually because I can't understand why they have done what they have and in those situations an apology isn't sufficient. What was going through his mind? Did he give in to peer pressure, did he decide it was Ok and he could handle it? He acted like a idiot - why? If my DH did this I would feel I'm now living with someone who's values I didn't understand/no longer knew.

I would also be worried that it wasn't a one off - if he doesn't know the trigger then he could repeat it.

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