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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please help me survive my marriage breakdown. I am frightened

29 replies

Eider · 22/08/2011 12:39

Many of you have kindly followed my posts of the last six weeks under
"H has left my out of the blue after 20 years. I am so sad. " He left me for another W.
The messages which have been wonderful. Thank you all for your support.
But today I am so very very low. We have agreed to separate but I cannot seem to get over him. I have two kids 17 and 14 and I must, must move on, but I am finding it so difficult.
The trouble is I miss him so much. I want him here so much, but then I think I want the husband who loved me and he is so suddenly not that person any more. I cannot seem to get him out of my system. I should be really angry but instead I feel so desperate and bereft. I feel so alone. I am heartbroken, the pain is eating me and I am so low. I have no family nor any friends really as my life revolved around the family and work. I have been on anti depressants for a while anyway, so I do not want to take anymore. I saw a GP who simply gave me sleeping pills!
Could you give me some advice please on how to get through this? The anxiety is so intense. I must not have a breakdown. EiderXX

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drfayray · 22/08/2011 13:13

You need to go back to your GP and ask to see a psychologist who can give you some techniques to cope. Now, I have had that and it is very helpful.

I know how you feel (I posted on your other thread). BUT the man you used to love is gone. The person who is now in his shoes is a stranger. THat is what I am telling myself and it is so hard. I keep catching myself and thinking, surely this cannot be happening? The man I loved (past tense and has to be) is gone. The kind, patient and loving person has gone. What is present is a mean, unkind fucking bastard. I am sorry if my swearing offends but it is one way to cope for me.

And really the one day at a time advice is very helpful. I do one day at a time. SOme days are very bad (today was one) some others are better.

For me to move on, means that He has to take all his crap out of my house and sort out finances etc and then I will never see his fucking face again. He can make arrangements to see the children with them as they are old enough. But I tell you, they are not too impressed with his recent behaviour and I believe that this whole mess has damaged his father/son-daughter relationship. And whose fault is that? HIS.

Eider. I know. I understand. But you must accept the situation. I accept that my so called husband doesn't love me and prefers to leave our family and marriage of 24 years (would have been 25 on Sept 20) . Well, I could just die OR pick myself up (with many a wobble) and try to make a life for myself and my darling children.

XXXX

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Mumofjz · 22/08/2011 13:16

i really don't know what to say, i can only imagine how your feeling.

I would advise though that you try and focus on the future, the past is what has been and the present you don't have any real control over yet, but the future...... you can control this evry much and i think with this in mind, it will help you feel more in control of the present and where/what happens next.

The future opens up ALL possiblilties and are for the taking, add to this what you know is for real (you and kids) and work out a plan for the next week then few weeks, months and beyond.

I wish YOU happiness for the future - it will come xxx

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Wisedupwoman · 22/08/2011 15:27

Hello Eider.

So sorry to read your post. I'm just over 5 months down the line, same age as you, XH did the same as yours.

I went for divorce straight away, not what I wanted really but mostly to send a clear message to XH that for me the marriage was over because he'd abused my trust for the last time. Wish now I'd done it sooner even though it would've hurt just as much.

It's an enormously hard and life changing process that you're going through, but it is manageable if you begin to do things in your own right as soon as you can. I went out with friends as soon as I could even though it was clear to them that I was going through the motions. I talked and talked and talked to all of them, my family, here, got into therapy and got a new job. Like drfay I cleared out all his stuff as soon as I could and I went no contact with him within 2 weeks (my DD is 16 and arranges contact herself). This has helped me regain some of the control of a situation which was not of my choice but I knew I had to make the best of it I could.

YOu will have times when you yearn for the man who you loved and who loved you, it's only natural after such a loss. But he is not the man you loved any longer, or at least he is showing you that he doesn't actually deserve your love now - in time you will see that he's done you a massive favour but until then you need time to lick your wounds and pick your life up again. Be nice to yourself and try not to dwell too much on him and what you imagine he's doing and feeling - it's not helpful IME although it's easier said than done to just switch off when you are traumatised. But you can and you will if you can find things to do which fill some time and energy. Are their local groups and clubs you could join if you don't have many RL friends? These are the places that people who don't know you won't ask difficult questions and you can tell them as much or as little as you like about your circumstances.

Hope this helps. It really will get easier but it takes time and you must allow yourself time and don't be impatient with yourself on the days when you feel so sad. It's all part of the process and you'll get through I promise.

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Eider · 27/08/2011 23:35

Dear all
What wonderful inspiring posts and such kind words. H has left now for good- he is living with OW and her children -god does that hurt, particularly as he thinks he has done nothing really wrong- that he was so unhappy including being with me and now it is his turn to be happy. But in the process he has made me so miserble and isolated. Still you are right about kicking off from the bottom to the light BEFOREANDAFTER- I have a choice either to let it kill me or survive- I read somewhere that the best vengence is to live a good life, but it is hard and I am frightened.
I will post more tomorrow.
Love to you all.XXXXX

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helpmeMN · 27/08/2011 23:43

Please look after yourself. Eat well, give yourself treats, exercise. It sounds silly but make sure you're in control of all the physical factors of happiness and well-being. Remind yourself of all the wonderful things about you. Celebrate small triumphs in every day. Perhaps it would help to think of it as a bereavement - the man you loved has literally gone. I'm so sorry. I have no direct experience but MN has helped me so much in many situations. There's so much support here for you. Yes, the best revenge is to live well.

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FabbyChic · 27/08/2011 23:46

Hey there you are going to feel like that it is normal, the life you had, the man you loved has gone and you are going through the grieving process, not unlike if someone had died. When you think about it your relationship has.

Take time for you, and try as you might to think of what he has done, get angry, getting angry is good.

In time things will get better, it's true what they say time is a great healer.

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Wisedupwoman · 28/08/2011 08:56

he thinks he has done nothing really wrong - just because he may think that, it doesn't make it so. YOU are in charge of defining this story, it's yours not his.

Lets look at this. So he's gone to OW and her DC's. Frying pans and fires spring to mind - not that yours was an awful place for him to be, that's bollox, but what has he done? Made sure he's got a ready made nest to fly to because in reality he can't do this alone, he needs someone to hold him together. It's staggering how often this happens. Of all the women i know who've left relationships not a single one has left to move straight into another man's home - they move into their own place. What does that tell you? That the old adage about men suffering more from marital breakdown is true because they are so well protected by this institution.

I've recently joined a dating site. What have I discovered? There are literally hundreds of thousands of divorced and separated men out there, (pillocks and twats aside) who have discovered just how well looked after they have been by the dominant form of relationship - two people, one home, blah blah. Your H has just joined the ranks of pillocks and twats and he'll realise that, when loves young dream turns out to be no different really to the one he so callously left - it'll be same old, same old before too long. He'll look back and see just what he walked away from, that it wasn't so bad after all, maybe even it was quite good really. Oh, and Eider is getting on with her life - what without me? How can she be doing that? This wasn't part of the plan, oh wait a minute there wasn't a plan as such, I just got a bit carried away.......shit what have I done?

As the other's have said, do not beat yourself up, be as kind to yourself as you would to someone else going through the same thing. It wasn't your fault, you didn't ask for this to happen even if you weren't perfect, because none of us are, are we?

Take care. Please.

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BeforeAndAfter · 28/08/2011 09:59

Hi Eider

Well I was wondering where you'd got to but I've found you on this thread!

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through with your H having moved in with OW but at least there's certainty now in terms of where you and your DCs are and what you need to deal with. I know that that certainty brings with it a hurt that's so primeval that it fills your body, it takes your breath away and it takes over your mind that you cannot think of anything else, let alone putting in place all of the good advice you'll be getting on here and all of those common senses things that you already know.

The most telling evidence that you are able to help yourself is that you are posting on MN. That in itself shows you've done something postive and practical in between all of that grief.

So during those moments when you can emerge from the duvet and stop your eyes leaking tears you really do need to focus on doing positive stuff along the lines of my post on your other thread. It could be as simple as baking a favourite cake for the DCs or taking the DCs to the cinema. But I do believe that these sort of actions are a start that will get you doing something positive and moving forward as your new family unit. The thing is Eider if you make yourself do a couple of things like this you will find it easier the next time and the next time. It won't necessarily stop the hurt yet but it will start to give you perspective and it will allow you to manage the hurt. It will also help "normalise" the hurt. I know it sounds awful that this pain can be normalised but that's how I get through it. It's not that the pain magically flies out of the window because you have a bubble bath or bake a cake but you learn to accept and you learn to live with it and by doing that you start to forget it's there. Speaking personally that's how I'm coping with it. There are days where the whole fucking pain bashes you hard and I'm finding I go through phases where I have days of almost manic highs where I am the four Sex and the City girls all rolled into one and then something happens which brings the pain to the fore and I buckle and cry but that doesn't scare me anymore.

So you need to start doing litle things that make you feel good, especially doing the things that you like to do and then you will learn to accept, understand and analyse those bad days and face them head on with the knowledge that they will pass and you will find that very powerful and you will learn to cope with all of this and then you will start to emerge a much stronger, happier person. I'm in middle of doing that and it really is true.

Remember, no more compromises. You can paint the walls the colour you like, you can buy bedding you like, you can put your ornaments where you want. That's a good feeling too.

And echoing Wisey and DrFay, if you're having a super strong day, inspired by the sunshine, then start sorting out your H's stuff. Find a place in your home where you can pile up his stuff and do it in bite-sized chunks. It's particularly pleasing when you find something you don't like that you've had to put up with all these years and you pop it on the H pile! You don't just need him out of your house but you need the essence of him to be gone.

Keep posting and taking one step forward at a time.

Oh, and please call me B&A, all my MN friends do. Grin

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Punkatheart · 28/08/2011 11:37

Just some more support from another woman in exactly the same situation. Twenty years and then the shock of the man I love walking out. I know all the emotions, the fear, the climbing of walls. I am trying to be busy, trying to sleep and trying to eat. But it is just that - trying. It has been less than a month.

Yes keep posting. Send me a PM if you want to talk more in private. I have found The Samaritans to be invaluable. They will even arrange to call you back at the pre-arranged time, perhaps a time you might feel most vulnerable and lost, such as mornings.

Take a deep breath. This is the Heartbreak Club. I really wish I could hate my OH but I don't. I am lost - as you must be. So I am holding your hand in cyber space, as so many of these wonderful women will be here. We are hurting but if we hurt together, as least we will not feel alone.

xx

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gettingeasier · 28/08/2011 15:35

Eider I am someone who has survived this and I am just over 18 months since my h left after 17 years together

The advice from Wisey and B&A is so true and I am sooo happy to say I am more or less on the other side

Every break up is different , in my case I quickly faced up to the fact he hadnt loved me for some time and had treated me shabbily for years before actually going. He too bore no resemblance to the man I had fallen in love with and what helped me was realising I was tearing my heart out for a man who had in fact disappeared long ago.

There was on OW too and that added a huge dimension of pain but I strove to see her as an irrelevance as it was right our marriage ended

The first 4 months or so were an emotional wilderness and I spent hours upon hours just staring out the window, mornings were worst with awful nausea and anxiety smoking cigs at 5am (previously a non smoker) just an awful time.

Bizarrely alongside this were moments of relief, the dawning in my own mind at how controlled and unhappy I had been and times of euphoria that I wasnt collapsing but getting on with things - surviving

From the outset I decided I had already given so much to this man and that I needed to do everything humanely possible to recover as fast as possible , to not spend anything more on him than I had to

I sought therapy (it was life changing), read lots of self help books, asked for help when I was struggling, talked to my friends finding those I could say the same things to over and over and over again without worrying and took huge leaps outside my comfort zone to begin the journey of rediscovering gettingeasier

My 2 DC and I moved into our new home in April and once the dust settled from that I did have some wobbles but now I am in a great place. I am happier than I have been in years and Eider trust me I was scared witless on day 1 of all this.

Yes I have worked very hard to get where I am and I do wish I knew about MN from the outset because if you want it theres so much advice and support and whilst all our xhs/ows etc are different over time you can begin to see there are depressing patterns of behaviour they all seem to follow although in my case when I see these in my h I breathe a sigh of relief hes out of my life

So I fear I have digressed a little but in short try to wade ahead through the mire and not get sucked in , accept and know it will take a long time to recover fully but thats ok and most of all know yourself and what sort of things might help your recovery and dont think about it but do them.

Everyone says to me (even my 14yo DS) how much happier I am now and trust me you can be too even if that sounds impossible at the moment

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Wisedupwoman · 28/08/2011 19:24

Great post gettingeasier.

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Teaandcakeplease · 28/08/2011 20:14

Great post Getting Smile Nice to see you.

Eider it's an awful time in the early days. I really feel for you. It's almost 2 years now since I separated from my now ExH. It's a rollwer coaster in the early days as you ride the emotions. I cannot really add anything better than the others but I am thinking of you. It does get easier as gettings name says. But it takes time. There is no short cut through the pain, but please keep talking on here x

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gettingeasier · 30/08/2011 23:36

OK OP I know Bank Holidays are hard

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carantala · 31/08/2011 00:33

Eider, so sorry for what has happened to you. There is no easy way to get through the pain and suffering; have you looked at the 7 stages of grief on the net. You are going through such a huge loss! Take care of yourself and am sending to you very best wishes!

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Eider · 09/09/2011 20:32

Hi all
I am sorry I have not posted for a week. I have been so very busy and tired. I am a middle manager in the local council and it is such hard work at present. Pressures from all sides- masses of savings to make and demands from all sides. I am so trying to cope but I end up crying in the loos and shaking so much with the anxiety. I am in one of those roles where I have to support everyone else and appear strong and the pretence is so stressful. I went to the doctor who was prepared to sign me off sick because he could see I was on the edge of a breakdown but I am so terrified of losing my job. My H has now completely moved out and lives with his new woman and her teenage kids. God that so sucks. Fortunately, I have enough to pay the mortgage (It is reasonably small) and get by but he says he can?t make any contributions to the kids as he no longer has a job. The trouble is I do not want to force the situation because I am told he would be entitled to half the house and even half my pension. He has no pension to speak of. I have always been the one with the reliable job. This really frightens me. He even tried to take away the only car this week saying he would leave me half the value. But then I would have to go and buy another without the use of a car to do so and I am working flat out whilst he is doing sod all. It so hurts that the man I loved and was so loyal and true to for 20 years can treat his family like this. I had to hide the car.
From time to time I have better days. I suppose at least I have moved on to the next stage. I am angry. I would love to try and make friends but I am so tied once I get home after a stressful day at the office and do the domestic stuff, I am utterly exhausted.
God I have just read this back ... what a self pitying wallow. It is just that I know some of you have been through this and help me by telling me I will get through it. I really though about ending it all last week... it so hurts. But that is such a really selfish act and my children need me. I am all they have now. You are all such kind folk out there. You do help me with your kind words. I wish I could hug you all. Love Eider.

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Eider · 09/09/2011 20:35

These posts are so helpful XXXXX

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anothermum92 · 09/09/2011 20:42

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Eider · 09/09/2011 22:29

Thank you anothermum92. I will try. I have to. I know one day it will seem better

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hurryup · 09/09/2011 22:37

Time is a great healer, 6 months ago I left an abusive relationship and at the time I thought it would never get better. However, now life is improving every day and I've come to accept that the relationship was one sided and what I was mourning wasn't real. It will get better.

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Teaandcakeplease · 10/09/2011 08:26

Looking back (it's almost 2 years ago for me) I had to ride all the emotions over and over again. Talk to friends as much as possible, cry lots and take a lot of rescue remedy. I wished there was a short cut through the feelings but I think you have to walk through them to come out the otherside. I know you're on AD's already and the GP gave you sleeping pills. But it is always worth going back and talking to them again about how you feel and looking into counseling. That was very helpful for me, to have a safe place to talk about everything.

I did sometimes think I'd never ever get through it or start to feel better, it's awful. Mumsnet was my lifeline as a lone parent with young children, I spent hours on here talking to people. I felt very isolated at times. I also read a lot of self help books. You will get through this, keep talking on here x

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Punkatheart · 10/09/2011 08:41

Agree with all the lovely women on here. Keep talking. I am still sick and crying in the mornings...so I know all the feelings of panic, grief and feeling that your life before was built on sand. It actually sucks away all the wonderful memories, makes them sullied. But - friends are there to love you, even tolerate you when you go round and round on the 'I hate him....but I love him' merry-go-round. Fill your heart with their love and patience. Keep something for yourself - simple things that you love doing. I love picking flowers from the garden, it makes me happy. Do things that make you happy.

A very good male writer friend really helped by telling me that the path my OH had chosen was one to misery, that it was madness.

But you - you will be OK. Come here when you need. Remember that some of us really do know exactly what you are going through. Twenty years for me too - it's a long time. Life is rich and there is much to come. Good things.

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Wisedupwoman · 11/09/2011 14:44

Eider you sound anything but self-pitying, you sound utterly and understandably wrung out - and no wonder.

I don't think you'd lose your job if you took a couple of weeks out to recover - bloody hell people take longer than that for the flu!!!

You need some legal advice pretty damn quick, it will help you know your position re the house and pension and anything else the fucker thinks he can just walk away with. Grrr!!!!

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lovesmybed · 11/09/2011 19:11

Take a week off and have a bloody good cry. Work will understand if you tell them what has happened. Don't underestimate your need to grieve I tried to bottle it up and carry on as normal but eventually I realised I needed to cry and get that out of my system so I could move on to the next stage of my life. There are some incredibly strong women on MN and in real life who have been through this and survived it. You will be fine. You will be happy again one day. He will get the happiness he deserves.

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annteresa · 31/07/2016 00:57

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Nuttynats641 · 24/02/2021 11:57

On Christmas Day last year my husband told me he wanted to leave me. We have been married for 34 years. I have 3 children who are all grown up and left home. I gave up my job 26 years to bring up my children and do up the 7 houses we moved to over the years. He said he doesn’t love me anymore. I don’t have any friends because we just kept ourselves to ourselves. I didn’t think that at the age of 56 I would be in this sitation at my time in life. I’ve been through absolute hell over the last couple of months. I have contemplated suicide. My doctor suggested anti depressants but I don’t like taking drugs etc. My husband is no longer the man I knew, it’s like living with a stranger. I used to be a proud women doing all the things that everyone does but now I feel like I’m good for nothing. I have no purpose in life and don’t think there is any future job wise as you need references for a job. He said he will help me financially but I feel so insecure and alone. Out of my children, only the youngest has time for me. He rings me quite regularly to see how I am. He’s an angel. I find it hard to get out of bed most days. We are trying to get the house ready for sale. We need to get as much money for it so I’m able to get my own house. The other night he and I had another row about him sneaking around the house with his mobile phone in his pocket. He’s in and out of the toilet with his phone. He is behaving like a teenage child. He ended up threatening me and I told him I wanted to leave the house. He took my car keys from me and tried to stop me from leaving. I did eventually get the keys and ended up spending the night in my car. I have never felt so low in all my life. All I want now is to get away from this man I’m living with and be on my own with my dog. She is all I have. Is there anyone out there who can give me some advice on how to get through this terrible time? I really don’t know who to turn to. Xx

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