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Still struggling, sad and homesick, Positive advice needed.

(23 Posts)
MilkandWine Mon 22-Aug-11 10:55:36

Hi All.

Some may or may not recall that I moved to London 2 months ago, leaving behind my DP and all my friends and family. I was given lot's of excellent advice on here and I've tried to follow it all, but I still just feel utterly rotten and so up and down sometimes I don't know what to do with myself.

I didn't realise how horrifically lonely living alone would be. Especially as I lived with my DP for 2 years beforehand. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go out of my mind with sadness when I'm in on my own on a night time. I've joined a few groups but most of the activities are daytime ones so on the night time I'm back in the flat again alone.

I only have 2 friends here, they are lovely but are obviously busy with their lives. Also they aren't into stopping out late on nights out. Whereas I would stay out until 3am given the chance, it means I don't have to go home and be sad.

To add to it all I met a guy I really like and now that's affecting my mental state because I have no idea what's going on with him and me. I would like more than friendship but to be honest I would happily settle for that if needs be. He's really good fun and it's someone to hang around with who is a party person like me. I wanted to ring him yesterday just to speak to him, but my friends were telling me to play it cool so I ended up in even more of a state! (apparently you can't call someone up who you like?) I wish I'd never met him frankly as it's making a hard situation worse. On top of it all I'm really missing my ex DP. Just wish I could wave a magic wand and make our relationship happy again. I know it all makes no sense.

Honestly I'm 32 and I just want to run home to my mam! I couldn't sleep all last night and this morning I feel utterly sick to my stomach. Have others been here and if so how on earth did you get over it? I feel like everyday is a roller coaster of horrific emotions and it's starting to effect me health. I've lost weight, getting loads of stomach upsets and headaches etc.

beatenbyayellowteacup Mon 22-Aug-11 11:18:35

You sound stressed, you poor thing. London can be tough when you first start. Can you join some kind of group to get to know people?

What exactly is stressing you out so much that you are getting stomach upsets? Is it that you think you made a wrong decision, are lonely, can't see how it will come good? Sounds like you need to stop and deal with the things that are stressing you out one by one.

FWIW when I went on exchange with Uni they told me that there was a 6 week homesickness cycle ie every 6 weeks you'd hit the dumps, but then it'd get better again.

Dozer Mon 22-Aug-11 11:23:46

I remember the thread. Sorry you're still finding it hard. Early days still....know that doesn't help.

Have you been back home much to visit?

Are you still in touch with your ex?

Is work going OK?

With respect to not ringing the guy you like, is he a nice bloke? If there're reasons why it's a good plan to avoid getting involved with him (e.g. he's a player, not keen on you, is sending mixed messages, recently out of a relationship) etc. then your mates are probably right!

Loneliness is very, very unlikely to be permanent!

Dozer Mon 22-Aug-11 11:25:38

I got by for a long time in London with just one friend - do they know how bad you feel? Maybe they have friends they could introduce you to?

MilkandWine Mon 22-Aug-11 13:00:40

Thank you for the replies guys.

beatenbyayellowteacup I think the whole massive change is just stressing me out dreadfully. I left my DP because things weren't working and decided to move here. Maybe I thought it would be the answer to my prayers, which on reflection was really naive of me. I miss my DP dreadfully and still love him. Yet half the time when we speak we argue and I end up getting upset, which of course makes me feel more alone.
I joined some groups but they are all daytime ones. I think I need to look into some evening ones as that is when the loneliness really hits me. I think I just worry but where my life will end up, I'm 32 and feel like I'm still really immature in so many ways. I still love to go out drinking and dancing and generally acting like a berk!, more so than my friends in my 20s!

Dozer I went home the week before last and I'm going again in 3 weeks. I miss my family so much and my horse even more (I had to leave him behind) The household cavalry ride past my flat a few days a week and seeing the horses makes me ill! Work is OK but I need to look into getting a better job. Trouble is I'm so miserable half the time I can't be proactive! My ex is coming to visit weekend after next and my best friend is coming for 3 days tomorrow.

My friends here know I feel bad and they try really hard to do things with me. But of course they have their own lives to live. I don't think they really understand tbh as they both say they never get homesick or really lonely living alone!

I have no idea if this guy is a player etc. He doesn't seem to be but then again you can never tell can you?. I just know I like him and want to get to know him better. I would settle for friendship even as he's really entertaining company and god knows I need someone to make me laugh at the minute. The reason for saying don't ring him was because he hadn't answered a message I had sent him on FB a bit earlier in the day (which he has since answered). They are probably right, you can only get your heart trampled on if you put it on the line can't you?

God sorry, that was a right essay. Thank you again for the replies. I know only I can change things for myself but it helps to get it off my chest.

beatenbyayellowteacup Mon 22-Aug-11 13:24:46

Sorry missed the bit about groups during the day.

I think it's natural to wonder where your life will end up if you've just been through a massive change, and especially if you're on your own after a recent breakup. It doesn't mean you are doomed.

Do you have kids?

Re your ex: you know you've broken up for a reason. Do you think you still have "what if" questions or do you think you are missing him more because you are feeling a bit vulnerable right now?

Re going out: Personally, I was being a right berk from about 30 (when I moved to London) to 35. I think I overdid it but I really truly am over it now. I can't say my career moved forward much in that time, not that I went backwards, but it's back on track now.

You can make this work! But like many people who move to London, it takes some time.

MilkandWine Mon 22-Aug-11 17:11:17

No I don't have any children (I wish). I think I do have "what if" questions about my ex. One minute I think we aren't right for each other and the next I think I should have tried harder to make things work between us. I think I'm definitely missing him more because I'm vulnerable and lonely. It sounds awful but if somebody else I like is there (this guy I've met for example) I'm perfectly happy in there company and I don't really think about my ex.

I'm glad I'm not the only 30 something who likes to go out an overdo it. It's hard finding partners in crime though. For example, I have nothing to do tonight and the horror of sitting on my own is making me feel sick already. I really want to ring this guy and see if he want's to meet up this week. But my emotional state is so fragile I'm terrified I won't be able to take the potential rejection. What a mess!

ChitChattingaway Mon 22-Aug-11 18:44:13

Are you working? If you are joining groups during the day and sitting at home at night it doesn't sound like it.

TBH if you're not working, no wondering you are going out of your mind with loneliness and boredom!

Can you find some sort of a job that will keep you busy during the evenings? Or a hobby? You need to be BUSY at the moment. Perhaps volunteer somewhere? Join one of those dinner/social groups?

FabbyChic Mon 22-Aug-11 20:06:34

You are only sad about the ex because you are unhappy. If things were going as well as you want them to you would not give him a second thought.

Get on a dating site, have some dates.

beatenbyayellowteacup Tue 23-Aug-11 03:58:11

Agree with Fabby. The ex issues is only because you are lonely. Get on a dating site (I'd advise against PoF personally) and get yourself some dates.

MilkandWine Tue 23-Aug-11 10:12:24

Fabby and beaten Yes you are probably right about me missing my ex so much because I am unhappy. I am trying to keep a relationship of sorts going with him but every time we speak we end up arguing. I found out last night that he is going to Leeds Festival for the weekend despite having no money because his oldest brother is paying hundreds of pounds for him to go. He only mentioned it because I told him I'm going to come home for the weekend . I feel like we have split up and I am left alone whilst his family rub his tummy and treat him like a little boy who needs looking after. It's made me feel even sadder.

What is PoF? Sorry, I know nothing about dating sites. I don't know which ones are the best or anything. Trouble is when I go out I keep attracting men in their mid twenties for some reason. All well and good but I'm 32 and I want someone more mature.

Oh and chitchattingaway I do work but I work from home, which makes things quite isolating as you can imagine.

beatenbyayellowteacup Tue 23-Aug-11 10:17:33

PoF is Plenty of Fish. Plenty of Flops, I'd call it.

Why are you punishing yourself by keeping contact? I'd say go no contact for 3 months, then if you are real friends you can contact again.

steamedtreaclesponge Tue 23-Aug-11 10:20:53

If you miss your horse so much, have you thought about getting a sharer in London? There are a lot of stables around London so at least you could get in a bit of hacking or something which might cheer you up, and you might get to meet a few people that way too.

Could you join some sort of class to get you out in the evenings sometimes? Tango or swing dancing or something? What are you into?

nametapes Tue 23-Aug-11 10:23:41

...sorry you are feeling so dam wretched... I hope in time things will even out and you will get over your Ex and make many more new friends. I know just how you are feeling, I have been there.. My boyfriend works away all week and I have got used to it now. London can be a lonely place... join as many things/groups as you can to make new friends. Time is a great healer... its taken me 5 yrs to feel happy after a big break up, and with kids in tow its even harder.

beatenbyayellowteacup Tue 23-Aug-11 10:30:00

Horse? I missed the horse?

MilkandWine Tue 23-Aug-11 10:35:21

Ha ha, So PoF is one to avoid then I take it? Are there any decent ones? Does's it depend on what sort of man you are looking for? I like alternative, indie type guys (If that makes sense?) I'm not looking for an investment banker with a BMW (No disrespect to Investment bankers intended btw).

I don't know why I'm punishing myself really. I just can't stand not to speak to him, he's been in my life for 5 years, and I don't know how to remove him basically. I think I just want things to go back to when we were happy, realising it's probably never going to is incredibly hard. I try to cut contact but one of us always ends up snapping and getting in touch.

steamedtreaclesponge That's a brilliant idea about the horse sharing, I'd literally never thought about it. I can't believe it never crossed my mind, especially when I've got a sharer for my horse back home. I'm going to look into it and see what it will cost and if it's affordable.

I was thinking of joining a burlesque dancing group as well actually, I've always wanted to give it a go. Really must try and be more proactive, I'm letting my misery drag me down and it's ridiculous of me.

MilkandWine Tue 23-Aug-11 10:36:57

beaten Yes I have a horse but he has had to stay at livery back in County Durham. It costs too much to keep horses down here, it just wasn't possible to bring him sadly. If I could have found a way around it believe me I would have cries

beatenbyayellowteacup Tue 23-Aug-11 10:38:11

Where is the mention of the horse?

I'm a bit thick today.

However, if you find a burlesque dancing group in London let me know. I might well be up for that wink

steamedtreaclesponge Tue 23-Aug-11 11:15:50

If you are up for some online dating and want more 'alternative' guys I can recommend and I've heard that Guardian Soulmates is also good.

I would maybe hold off on the online dating if you're still feeling vulnerable - it's best when you're feeling confident and resilient and are just up for having a laugh. But if you can handle rejection (i.e. after a date if it doesn't work out) and just fancy drinks with new people then I'd say go for it!

steamedtreaclesponge Tue 23-Aug-11 11:16:49

Oh, and beaten the horse was mentioned in Milk's second post - I obviously picked up on it as I'm a horsey person myself!

beatenbyayellowteacup Tue 23-Aug-11 11:52:15

Ah thanks treacle smile

TheBride Tue 23-Aug-11 13:22:15

Yeah- mysinglefriend has a good cross section of people, albeit it's still quite "young professional" IMO.

However, I hope you wont mind me saying that I think you're being unrealistic to expect to be out every night. I lived in London for 15 years and most people (incl. Indie types grin) were still only out 2/3 times a week. You have to learn to enjoy your own company or you'll just throw yourself into the first relationship that comes along. On that note, is there any way you can get an office/studio/workspace share or something, just so you have somewhere to go in the day and see other people but still get your work done? Then you'd probably be happier about spending evenings alone.

I agree with whoever said you have to cut contact with the ex. It's not making you happy, so just kill it for 90 days.

eslteacher Tue 23-Aug-11 18:52:16

I remember your last thread, and am sorry you're still feeling lonely - but at the same time think it takes longer than a few extra weeks for things to noticeably change.

Some ideas:

- to find groups of people around common interests meeting up for various activities in the evenings/weekends?

- If you don't like living alone, have you thought about doing a flatshare? Lots of flats and houses in London actively advertise for roomates who want to get involved in a shared social aspect: meals together in the evenings, going out together etc. Maybe you're tied into your current contract, but if not I think you sound like a flatshare could work much better for you.

- If you speak, or want to learn, another language, then is a really good way to help out lonely foreigners in London and practice a new skill yourself

Can't say much more than give it time...and that County Durham and London are so hugely different that it doesn't surprise me that it's taking you a long time to adapt. Best of luck though, I really feel for you and hope you start to feel happier soon!

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