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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DP's drinking getting too much

32 replies

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 22:34

Namechanged here.

I've just had a really traumatic couple of hours with my partner. Without wishing to go into too much detail, he drinks quite heavily. This has never caused him major problems, i.e. he's never lost a job or relationship over it.

Usually drink just makes him a slightly exaggerated version of himself, slightly louder, slightly funnier etc etc.

Occasionally though, it makes him very angry. He's never laid a finger on me, or, to my knowledge, on anyone else, but he occasionally gets very, very loud in his shouting and slamming things around.

Tonight it all got a bit out of hand and involved the neighbours. My kitchen is covered in broken glass and I can't stop crying. DP is now, thankfully, fast asleep in bed.

The neighbours threatened to phone the police. I'm really worried this will (has?) get totally out of hand and turn into a full blown feud with the neighbours. DP's (drunk) view is that he can do what he likes in his own house and that I should 'back him up' and not 'kowtow' to the neighbours.

I'm just exhausted by it all, tired of being on edge when he drinks, tired of arguing, tired of hangovers.

Don't know what else to say, really. Sounds trite, but everything else about him is really excellent and I don't want to believe something like this will break us up. If anyone has any advice that would be really helpful.

OP posts:

Report

Jemma1111 · 21/08/2011 22:39

What's happened with the neighbours?

Tortington · 21/08/2011 22:40

how often does he drink?

Tortington · 21/08/2011 22:40

do you have kids?

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/08/2011 22:42

i think if its got to this stage then its already a problem tbh.

i like a drink. and i know if i have too much i can get argumentative, but i dont drink everyday, and i now stop at 2 glasses because i am afraid that i can drink too easily.

you need to talk to him when he is sober.
what happened with the neighbours? if he is at fault you need to apologise to them, buy some flowers maybe?

but if your husbands drinking is involving others, in a negative way, its already gotten out of hand.

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 22:46

He drinks maybe 3-4 nights a week. We don't have kids yet (thank God).

The neighbours have an ongoing issue with the volume at which he plays his music- once or twice he's been out of order, but I genuinely feel they are sometimes oversensitive. They banged on the ceiling, he banged back, they came up and he became very aggressive towards them. Threatened them etc.

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/08/2011 22:53

you live in a flat then. i would never ever live in a flat again - we had neighbours who were inconsiderate in a flat once. it was just awful.

and yes - if he is threatening people he is out of order. very.

What time was he playing his music?
have you any idea how annoying it can be for neighbours to listen to someone elses music?

if the drinking causes his hostile response then he has a problem. and so do you.
you say your kitchen is covered with broken glass? thats quite serious - if he cannot control his temper after a drink then he needs to see that he has to stop or cut down.

Xales · 21/08/2011 22:54

Your P is plays loud music, shouts very very loud, slams things around, gets aggressive and threatens the neighbours and they are over sensitive

It is foul and soul destroying living next door to a selfish all important 'I can do what I like in my house' wanker like your P.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2011 22:57

Your partner sounds like a twat first and foremost

does he have a drinking problem ?

I dunno... quite often the twattery is the deciding factor as to whether you feel it appropriate to continue the relationship

anything else can smack of finding excuses for it, IMO

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 22:58

Xales - he has only got this angry once or twice before, it really isn't a common occurence.

The oversensitivity is with regard purely to the music. They have also complained enough to the other neighbours that they are being evicted.

Tonight he was playing his music at 9:30.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/08/2011 22:59

did he turn it off at 9:30 ?

or did the neighbours have to complain first ?

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 22:59

To clarify, they have complained ABOUT the other neighbours enough to get them evicted.

OP posts:

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 23:00

They showed their displeasure by banging on the ceiling.

OP posts:

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 23:07

Also, I'm not oblivious to the annoyance/misery excessive noise can cause.

As I said, twice, DP has most definitely been out of order WRT noise. There's no excuse for that. But they have also complained when it a) really isn't loud and b) isn't at anti social hours.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/08/2011 23:09

who are you complaining about here ?

DP or the neighbours ?

make your mind up

your P is being U, with the music and the aggression...don't you accept that ?

if you want to moan about the neighbours, start another thread...

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 23:11

I'm not here to complain about the neighbours. I just wanted to give some background for context.

I completely agree DP is out of order for the aggression - I hate violence and aggression of any kind and am completely disgusted by his behaviour, whatever the rights and wrongs of the argument itself.

Sorry to be pathetic, but I can't handle someone else having a go at me right now.

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 21/08/2011 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2011 23:13

you are not being pathetic, but defending your partner is not the right thing to do

people on this thread are expressing dismay at his behaviour...and your default rection is to defend him

does that tell you anything at all ?

AnyFucker · 21/08/2011 23:14

reaction

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 23:16

Glass got broken because he pushed a wheely chair across the floor which banged into a table. No scuffles or anything.

I realise I sound like I'm defending him. I probably am. I don't want to believe he's not a good person.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/08/2011 23:18

he isn't behaving well

whether he's a good person, I dunno

Xales · 21/08/2011 23:18

Not having a go at you.

Just pointing out what sort of a person your P comes across as. Like I said earlier he sounds nasty.

You yourself say I'm just exhausted by it all, tired of being on edge when he drinks, tired of arguing, tired of hangovers and We don't have kids yet (thank God)

It sounds like a prison sentence not a relationship.

If he was a wanker 100% of the time you would walk out and close the door behind you it is the nice bits that keep you there longer than you should.

He shows no incentive to change but thinks he can do what he wants and you should agree with him.

Do you really want to live like this for another year, 5 years or 10 years? Or even consider bringing children into a nasty atmosphere like this?

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2011 23:20

What's he like when he's not drinking? Just asking on the very off chance that he'd see that he should stop drinking.

Does he play his music too loud and refuse to turn it down when he's sober?

What's wrong with headphones, eh?

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thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 23:23

I suppose I didn't realise how awful it sounds from the outside. I absolutely KNOW that he was bang out of order tonight. As I said, I'm disgusted with him.

I just never thought he had this in him, y'know?

Don't want to believe that the last seven years were a waste, don't want to lose the man I love, don't want fucking alcohol to come between us.

Oh, fuck.

OP posts:

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 23:24

This is a cliche, Imperial, but he's wonderful when he's sober.

Kind, thoughtful, helpful.

He plans to give up drinking in the new year, anyway, when I give up smoking. Just not sure I can last til then.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2011 23:25

Can I assume you want to have children? If so, I'd be looking for someone totally different to have them with.

He's got a big problem with drinking and with anger. Can you see what your future would be like with him?

Nobody should ever drink and get angry to the extent that their neighbours are complaining about them. And he's gone to sleep, ffs!

Think about it. Think about the kind of home you want your children to live in.

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