Not sure but think have decided to separate tonight

[Implusivemusk]

Never posted on anything but need to talk to someone. I'm sorry but not sure of all abbreviations and too upset to look them up so forgive me if some are wrong.

Husband and i work together and things have not been well in terms of work - gone through a lot of trauma but have always supported him and we have worked through it together. However, lately have felt not sure if I love him anymore - when it comes to dtd have tried to get it over and done with asap. We have had few rocky times but have come through as I've not wanted to split up.

Tonight though, I put kids tea in oven - but dd was in bath and hurt herself so I went up - dh came up too, then I remembered tea, rushed down - burnt. DH went off on one that tea was burnt and mentioned fact that kids have said to him that they prefer when he cooks as things don't get burnt. But I'm always off doing something else whilst tea is cooking, ie putting washing in or hanging back - general house stuff.

I was upset and have cried but thought I can't take it anymore and basically have had big argument and now splitting up. Question is aibu?

[humptydidit]

Hi

Not sure but seems there are 2 issues here...

First, you are not sure if you love him anymore

Second, sounds unreasonable the way he reacted to burning the dinner. And to say kids only like his cooking is totally out of order, sounds to me like he's trying to make you feel bad.

Can you give a bit more detail? Especially about the second thing? What#s he like the rest of the time?

[gingerteam]

I hear you Impulsivemusk, only you can decide if u abu. it can be such a tiny thing that tips us over the edge. To others it could sound trivial but in my case although we are almost fifteen years married a flippant comment early yesterday made me think "this is it , my life, why am I so unhappy with my partner most of the time!! Do I love still him?????..........are these the questions your asking yourself?

[Implusivemusk]

Hi humptydidit - most of the time he is very good - we have flashpoints as i think most people do but he is v good with kids.

I think my prob is having been a stay at home mum and then gone to work almost full time but with dh and then doing majority of home stuff - ie dropping kids off and picking up and doing housework and keeping things ticking along i'm starting to resent it.

Yes I thought him saying kids preferred him - even though i think they did was unreasonable but, as he says, i'm always off doing other stuff and he is left to take stuff out of oven (sounds bad but I don't always give them oven stuff ie chips and fishfingers!).

Also if he does anything wrong - I don't come down hard on him but support him.

Tonight i said I can't carry on like this and almost felt relief when he said the same and that we will sort out in the morning what happens with children etc but now regretting it and not sure if just heat of moment stuff.

[Implusivemusk]

Do you know gingerteam I am asking that myself most days - is it bad - do I carry on - we have been together 10 years and have three kids - is it a bad patch to get over or do i give it all up and be a single mum? really confused!

[inatrance]

How does he come down hard on you OP? Is his behaviour usually unreasonable?

On it's own I wouldn't say the argument meant much, but there's obviously a lot going on as well.

Why have you stopped loving him? Is it the day to day drudgery getting you down or do you usually feel disrespected by him?

[gingerteam]

I sooooooo wish I knew the answer but here I am five years on you and still doubting our longevity. I too have 3 kids, all beautiful and lovin there daddy!! but he drinks way tooooooo much despite workin hard and giving us a nice lifestyle. x

[Implusivemusk]

hi inatrance - i think day to day drudgery - normally he respects me and will always support me in front of kids.

Your right in black and white its not much - its only when you start talking about it that you realise its not bad in the grand scheme of things.

I just feel at the moment that the spark has gone but it could be due to the fact we work together - we may need time on our own away from kids and work.

At the time it felt more terminal - putting down in writing makes it seem very trivial - after all this time and what we have been through we might just have to work a bit harder.

[Implusivemusk]

gt - wish i knew answer too - maybe we all expect too much - however it may be that dh is now downstairs seething and thinking its all over so may be back tomorrow as a single parent!

Thank you to inatrance and humptydidit - having never used a forum/chatroom like this it does feel really good when people respond and you can talk things through - even just the fact that you think -actually it may not be as bad as I think! - thank you.

[Smum99]

Can you work out what is driving the resentment? It's a very negative emotion to have in a marriage. It seems you have had major adjustment in work but household workload hasn't shifted so you are doing more than previously.

Do you have to work together? Can you reduce your work? Could you get help with chores? I find that working full time makes you mentally exhausted as well as physically - the effort that's needed to think through all the logistics for work and the children can be exhausting. I also assume you (like most of us) are at the end of the summer holidays so balancing work and childcare is even harder.

Don't underestimate the impact of an incorrect worklife balance can have on a marriage - a couple, both tired, irritable and snappy - it's certainly not ideal and often we can't see it from within the relationship. See if you can get some down time and then review if you to feel more positive about each other. I would also suggest counselling, investigate it now as it might take a while to set-up.

[honeyandsalt]

So, dinner was burnt because you went to deal with an emergency, and he took it as an opportunity to attack you. And now he's downstairs seething and thinking it over? Listen, he was being completely unreasonable and a total tit, why are you acting like this is your fault??

You both work FT but you're expected to pick up most of the household duties as well, but maybe you just need to deal with it better?

You go through "rough patches" and blazing fights, but you think that's normal too?

?!

Yeah, no. It takes two to tango. And blazing fights isn't normal actually.

At the moment, I think a good long talk may be in order. Don't blame yourself, just be rational and calm and try to explain how you feel. You seem to have major communication problems so try this book if you must try and make things work.

But honestly I think you two need a break from one another, then you need a new job, a fair ditribution of household duties and a hell of a lot more respect from him. How realistic is that lot? Or are you just going to set yourself up for thirty years more drudgery? Probably the latter. sigh.

[squeakytoy]

Working together is rarely a good thing. I worked with my husband for a couple of years and although we got on ok, we never had any time apart, so there was nothing really to discuss at the "end of the working day"...

If it is possible for you to find a different job, you will probably find you look forward to being together more too.