Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Getting back with H after DV

(59 Posts)
canweworkitout Sun 21-Aug-11 22:07:25

Split with DH early this year due to a one-off issue of DV on his part. He has slept with one woman since and I am in a new relationship with someone else but he came round tonight and we shared the most incredible kiss. He initiated it but I didn't attempt to stop him.

I have been considering giving it another try for a while but my friends say what he did is unforgivable. I still feel hurt but I cannot imagine life without him and I have never stopped loving him.

Is there anyone else here who has been in a similar situation and it has worked out? Or is this completely crazy?

UsingMainlySpoons Sun 21-Aug-11 22:10:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

humptydidit Sun 21-Aug-11 22:16:19

canwework Ok, you say the actual physical violence was a one off, but is he otherwise abusive?

take a look at this link

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Does any of this ring any bells at all?

I personally think that you are well rid of him and you should move on from him. My H was abusive and rarely actually physically violent, in terms of punches and slaps I think he only hit me 3 or 4 times in 10 years.

But actually he was physically violent at many other times... the definition of violent also includes pushing you, making you back against the wall/cupboard etc, throwing things, smashing things, slamming doors etc etc ... this is all violence.

also, don't forget and I'm sure that loasd of others will pile in and back me up, that emotional abuse is jsut as bad, if not worse than being punched or kicked.

If I am brutally honest, I think it was far too soon for you to start another relationship, if he is abusive, your head would have been too screwed up to enter another relationship, so to break up with abusive p, then have new partner and then consider going back with abusive P is a huge amount for anybody to deal with emotionally in a matter of months

CailinDana Sun 21-Aug-11 22:42:28

What actually happened?

maleview70 Sun 21-Aug-11 22:56:43

One instance of DV is one too many. I don't know if you have children but if you have a daughter would you advise her to get back with an abusive partner. He is prob only making a move on you because he doesn't want anyone else to have you.

Anyone who gets back with an abusive partner can expect no sympathy when they do it again!

blackeyedsusan Sun 21-Aug-11 23:01:44

getting out once is hrd, twice would be very difficult indeed. do not consider it until you have had plenty of time to think about the consequences. what steps has he taken to make sure it will never happen again?

AnyFucker Sun 21-Aug-11 23:04:27

an "incredible kiss" cancelled out everything that has gone before ?

god save us (and you) from such naivety sad

Katisha Sun 21-Aug-11 23:08:12

It's completely crazy.

Portofino Sun 21-Aug-11 23:13:17

No, No and thrice fecking no! Don't even consider it. There are many NICE men out there who do not consider beating their nearest and dearest.

canweworkitout Sun 21-Aug-11 23:16:37

no it doesn't cancel it out. I'm so confused I don't know what to do. That's why I posted.

notsorted Sun 21-Aug-11 23:33:38

Mmm, I got back with ex after he was convicted of battery. Small baby, scared, completely confused and yes the sexual attraction was amazing and my basic feelings for him didn't change. I loved him, but not what he had done ifswim. Did it work out in the end? No. More abuse, he had OW. I did once have a row with him and told him doormats were available at the local hardware shop not stood here in the kitchen with him.
Have a look at the emotional abuse thread here. Also look at cycles of DV. Take a huge step back, from him and possibly your other relationship.
You need to focus on yourself for a while. There is small chance it was a one-off but by showing him all it takes is a kiss to get you back, he won't have any idea that he needs to change, won't think about changing and will probably think you are a pushover.
It's easy to say forget him. Absolutely impossible to do so - look up stockholm-syndrome and abuse.
If you do want to get together again you need to be strong enough to have a new relationship. One in which you are secure in your boundaries and he respects them. After DV he is a stranger to you. Would you settle down with a stranger, potentially for life, after one kiss no matter how fab it was?
No decisions now ... just devote time to yourself.

lubeybooby Sun 21-Aug-11 23:49:28

Don't, don't ever ever go back. Just don't. And don't ever be in a position alone again where a kiss can happen.

garlicbutter Sun 21-Aug-11 23:49:40

I stopped mine hitting me by leaving him. We got back together and he didn't hit me again - though he came close a few times - but he stepped up the other kinds of abuse, which I didn't have a name for at the time (psychological, emotional, financial, sexual.) We eventually split over an affair of his. While we sorted the house & stuff out post-split, I was sleeping in the spare room. He came in one night and strangled me. It was completely out of the blue. I had to nearly poke his eye out to get him off.

The traumatic bonding (Stockholm syndrome type attachment) is incredibly strong. I fully understand how almost every fibre of your being cries out to be close to him again. It's a death wish, as surely as heroin addiction. Please be fair to yourself and keep away.

We met up for a drink a couple of years later, after the OW dumped him. He thought we still had a future together. I looked at him and saw a sorry, self-deluded twat.

ImperialBlether Sun 21-Aug-11 23:53:03

OP, I imagine the thought of you having a new partner is what's attracting him at the moment. He sees you as a challenge.

There's no way, if you go back to him, that he won't be violent again.

Face it - you've been physically hurt by him, dumped him then taken him back. What does he have to do to make you not want him?

maypole1 Sun 21-Aug-11 23:53:21

canweworkitout so not only has he taken you for a mug he has made you a cheater

I am guessing you will be telling the guy your seeing what happened

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 21-Aug-11 23:54:53

If you really want to get back with your Ex (and I would hope you are basing your decision on something a lot more substantial than an amazing kisshmm) then you should go to Relate.

They will help you both talk out the past and contract boundaries for the future. They will also cast an impartial eye over the relationship.

tallwivglasses Sun 21-Aug-11 23:58:32

Amazing post garlic (and others). OP I hope you're listening x

HerHissyness Sun 21-Aug-11 23:58:43

Please for the love of GOD! Don't do this!

He already gave himself permission to hit you, I am betting my house on the face that it wasn't an isolated attack and was preceded by a whole world of verbal/emotional abuse.

please don't allow yourself to be targeted and swept back off your feet. Your radar is OFF at the moment, this guy is showing you the hook, the bit of him that captures you.

You already know the nasty bit of him. That nasty IS him. the nice stuff is the packaging, it's not real!

If you go down this path, it'll be all wonderful until he knows he has snagged you back in, then it'll start all over again. but this time he'll do it properly.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does he Do That?

Please read the Joe Carver link pasted on this thread too! Literally, it could save your life.

Mitmoo Mon 22-Aug-11 06:47:50

OP Ive been there and got this T-shirt but didn't go back to him.

This helped me.

I got flowers today.
I got flowers today.
It wasn’t my birthday
or any special day.
We had our first argument last night,
and he said a lot of cruel things
that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry
and didn’t mean the things he said
because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn’t our anniversary
or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall
and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn’t believe it was real.
I know he must be sorry
because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
and it wasn’t Mother’s Day
or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I’m afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry
because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
If only I had gathered enough courage
and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers today.

© 1992 by Paulette Kelly

notsorted Mon 22-Aug-11 10:10:01

OP,
listen to all the advice here. I was being devil's advocate, sort of. As going is harder to do than say. I absolutely understand that. If you and your H could be the one in million, it would be lovely BUT you need the forthright determination and backbone of steel like Hissy and he needs the wisdom and self-awareness of Methusalah plus the desire to make change his priority for many years to come. Plus there are OM and OW knocking around.
My ex and I went back and forth and the chemistry was always what fused us together again. Now I've put away my wishbone and am searching for a backbone.

HerHissyness Mon 22-Aug-11 12:33:30

I have no magic strength, backbone or anything. All I have is my memory, remembering how abjectly miserable that guy worked so hard to keep me.

How infinite was his attention to detail when it came to trying to remove even the slightest glimmer of joy from my life.

How he humiliated me in front of literally everyone I met for over 3 years

How he screamed at me for no reason, in front of my mother, in front of my child and in front of strangers, but it was all my fault as I had simply asked him NOT to have a go at some tour guide, for the sake of everyone's day out.

Most of all I have fear, fear of what he made me become; withered, shrunken and sad. A worse mother, and a poor individual.

THAT is the reason why I'll never, ever, EVER go back to him. Being alone for all eternity is a billion times better than one second back with him. If I live til 90 I am happy to spend the next 40 odd years totally and utterly alone than be with that man again. It'd be better on every level. However, 40 years is a long time, I'll bet that if I want to, I'll be able to find a good man to be my companion in life... But that's MY choice. I'll never allow another soul to call the shots on my life again.

IF you go back, you will need to be ON YOUR GUARD every single day for the rest of your life, you will have to be fighting his disrespect of you every single day, wondering how he will upset you today, tomorrow or another day when you really need his support, he'll drop you in it like a hot rock. Allt he while, both of you know that he's hit you before so will do so again if YOU provoke him. But it's HIS fault he loses his temper, isn't it?

If you stay away, perhaps this new guy will be good for you, at least with him there is a HOPE he will be a good guy. With your Ex - YOU KNOW HE ISN'T!

You have come out of a DV relationship, I wouldn't have recommended you date so soon, until you have recovered from the violence/abuse, but you are and it may be good for you.

In any event, please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, it will help you understand what went on, and how you could have done nothing to prevent it, and how you didn't cause it. Please, it could literally SAVE YOUR LIFE.

colditz Mon 22-Aug-11 12:49:29

My boyfriend doesn't bring me flowers. (He knows I hate flowers, although he doesn't know that I hate them because my ex used to bring me flowers every time he had been a dick)

He doesn't apologise for hurting me. (He doesn't need to. He doesn't hurt me.)

He doesn't get up at 7am and clean my entire house of vomit. (That's because he doesn't stay out until 3 and vomit everywhere.)

He doesn't encourage me to go out without him to 'have a break'. (He helps me when he's here instead. I don't need a break when he's here.)

He doesn't always answer his phone. (Neither does he flip out when I don't answermine. He assumes I'm asleep or busy, and doesn't ring again. He waits for me to ring him back at my convenience)

He doesn't offer to change, to 'prove his love'. (He proves his love every day, even when he's not here, by his constant low level attention to my happiness and wellbeing. He proves it with the way he uses cooking spray when he knows I'm on a diet, and butter when he knows I'm not. He proves it with his dismissal of my make up routine, his frustrated cry of "You're beautiful anyway, why do you faff so much??? Let's go!!!")

My boyfriend doesn't invite me to any of his family functions. Or work parties. (He assumes I will be going. He doesn't think I need an invitation, my welcome is assumed.)

My boyfriend makes no special effort with my children. (He treats them like his. no extra effort made. No less effort made)

This is what a nice, normal relationship is. A nice man will be shocked when you thank him for being nice to you when you are ill. He will be shocked because it won't have crossed his mind to be anything BUT nice.

HerHissyness Mon 22-Aug-11 12:52:59

I have a good mind to print that post off for reference colditz! grin

harassedandherbug Mon 22-Aug-11 13:02:38

colditz what a fabulous, and true, post.

Op I went back many times. It never stops! If you get back together then you're giving him permission to do it again. And I'll put money on it that this wasn't a one off. There will have been other behaviour previously that you may not have appreciated was abusive.

Never, ever go back to a man like that!

GertieWooster Mon 22-Aug-11 13:04:02

Wonderful post Colditz , it made me cry.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now