Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Third board lucky

(25 Posts)
HaveYouGotSoup Sat 20-Aug-11 22:27:45

Hello,
I'd like the advice of anyone who knows about this sort of thing.
Not sure if this is the right place to post but taking a bit of a stab in the dark.

Anyway. I was divorced sometime back and had to throw myself into work as a sort of panacea. Well it has helped and I feel I would like to poke my head above the parapet now. I would like to meet someone (or several someones) to share some special times with. I know nothing of dating sites, but I think it would be a good place to start. I can't remember the last time I "dated" In fact I'm not sure I ever did. Things just happened. Anyway there are so many sites out there and could I ask anyone who might know what would be a good one (or two) to try? I would like to do a basic match I suppose, then contact by email, then msn and so on. Not just email and meet. I wouldn't want to waste other people's time (nor mine either). I'm sure this sounds all rather strange, but I think I have finished licking my wounds, or at least the bloodletting has finished and I don't want scars to form ;)
Anyone able to help?
I'm late 30s. Not sure if that is relevant but am really not into "youth" if you know what I mean. I prefer mature people

lifechanger Sat 20-Aug-11 22:40:30

Find a site which suits you - Guardian Soulmates if you're a bit lefty, Plentyoffish if you're fun loving etc.

Don't talk online for too long before meeting someone - you tend to paint a picture in your mind of them and when they're not like that, it can be a big let-down. People are often very different in real life to how they portray themselves online.

I would strongly advise you to set first dates as a glass of wine/coffee only. That way, if they're awful (and some of them will be), you're not stuck with them for hours. And if they're lovely and you click, you can suggest going on for something to eat.

Be highly tuned to red flags - lots of married/attached men do go on pretending to be single. And there may be one or two weird ones. Don't let that put you off, but do listen very carefully to your instincts and if in doubt, bail out.

Take the whole thing not too seriously - just be determined to have fun.

Don't let rejection get you down. Some men are very tactless and personal about you not suiting them. These men are knobs.

The best way to leave a date when you have a feeling they want to see you again but you don't want to see them although there's nothing wrong with them as such, is to jump in pretty quickly and say something like how much you've enjoyed meeting them but as you're sure they agree, the chemistry isn't right for a relationship.

Pay your own way at the start for anything more than a coffee - insist -some men seriously think you owe them something if you let them buy you a meal, especially older men I found. I liked to meet on home territory so used to offer to pay for them if they had driven a long way on the basis that they had the travelling costs.

These tips come through the sometimes ghastly learning experiences of a now very happily loved up ex online dater!

HaveYouGotSoup Sat 20-Aug-11 22:51:04

Thank you very much for that. It was useful and interesting. I'm not sure I would be interested in meeting men though. Guardian - certainly not. Plentyoffish - well who doesn't like fun. Do you know anything more soulful/cerebral, for want of a better choice of words? smile

I didn't really want dating advice, I know the world. More a suggestion of sites really.

redfairy Sat 20-Aug-11 22:52:42

I met my husband through www.seniordatingonline.co.uk whch despite its name takes people of all ages. I can definitely agree with lifechanger and say dont spend too long chatting before meeting as its very easy to build someone into the love of your life and then be very disappointed upon meeting. If something doesnt sound right it probably wont be so heed your gut. There are lots of geniune men out there and I had some super dates but there are also some crackpots - dont give them a second chance and just move on. Take time on your profile and be honest, if you're after committment..say so! make sure your photos are up to date and show you in a variety of situations not just the glamour shot you havd done once at a photo shoot through a misty lens. As a larger lady I was terrified of men seeing my size 20 frame but was more terrified of seeing the looks on my dates faces if I had shown up with them having no idea of my size. Trust me, there are plenty of men out there who are looking for all types of ladies.
Internet dating can be disheartening but if you throw yourself into it and move on when a date doesnt work out rather than viewing it as another failure I'm sure you could bag yourself a superbloke.
Bon chance!

redfairy Sat 20-Aug-11 22:56:02

Oops...forgot to mention Looplove and Makefriends Online. Found some solid people on both of these. Two friends have married after meeting their partners on Match.com as well.

HaveYouGotSoup Sat 20-Aug-11 23:00:26

Yes thank you for the mention of that site, redfairy, it sounds very positive. I'm 37, would it be suitable do you think? Yes I am honest. To be otherwise would be silly eh? I'm still not sure about the bloke thing though. I'm not homosexual you know.

lifechanger Sat 20-Aug-11 23:02:10

Sorry about the dating advice bit. Some of it I honestly did have to learn going along when I believed initially that I knew the world though.

lifechanger Sat 20-Aug-11 23:03:32

Haha, you're a chap! Didn't realise. Same advice applies I think smile

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld Sat 20-Aug-11 23:16:46

I've just seen your thread on AIBU and wandered over here to suggest a couple of sites. Have to admit, like lifechanger, I assumed you were female too, don't know why blush

I can second Match. I'm on there atm and I like the site. Smooch.com is a free one and there's also PlentyMoreFish.com, another paying one.

HaveYouGotSoup Sat 20-Aug-11 23:18:29

Hi Lifechanger,
Must admit, initially, I glossed over this bit below.

"Pay your own way at the start for anything more than a coffee - insist -some men seriously think you owe them something if you let them buy you a meal, especially older men I found. I liked to meet on home territory so used to offer to pay for them if they had driven a long way on the basis that they had the travelling costs"

It would never have occurred to me that if I had allowed a female to buy me a meal, then I would have owed her something. Actually scrub that. Even when I was young(er) and allowed women/females (what is the MO here) to do such a thing, you'd have to be a bit thick not to pick up the vibes eh.
Thankfully I have never been into that exchange relationship type thing and would run a mile if I encountered it.
How superficial can it get? I suppose that is why I mentioned getting to know someone first, I think I would see the signs.
Thank you for your advice

HaveYouGotSoup Sat 20-Aug-11 23:22:57

ChaoticAngel
I understand. From the little I have understood from this site it seems, "plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose"
Would your advice be to try two or three of the better ones and just see who turns up (as it were)?

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld Sat 20-Aug-11 23:32:13

I'd advise you to register with a couple of sites and see if you like the look of them first. If you do then you can pay a subscription afterwards.

There is one called MatchAffinity which is slightly different to Match in that they get you to answer some questions for a psychological profile type thing that they then use to tell you how compatible you are with potential matches. I wasn't as keen on that one but that's me, you may be different. I did register with Dating Direct once but found it was the same men as Match.

I know you've asked for recommendations but really you're best googling dating sites and then looking at them to see what you prefer. Most you need to register with but don't have to pay a subscription, wrt fee paying sites, until you choose too.

I've used dating sites on and off for the last couple of years. Some I've liked, others not so keen but you may have a different opinion of them.

HaveYouGotSoup Sat 20-Aug-11 23:42:59

What if I gave a complete description of self in less than 10,000 words, would you be able to point me towards a good site? Wouldn't mention the person I would be looking for, bad manners doncherknow blush But 10,000 on me would be egocentric, if not egomaniac. 50:50 a good idea?

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld Sat 20-Aug-11 23:59:28

I don't know of any site where you could fit 10,000 words on, most have a limit well short of that grin

The sites are all basically the same, some are just better than others. I personally found that I prefer the paying sites, even though I have used some free ones. This is mainly because the men on them seem to be more serious about commitment than the free ones, at least that's the impression I get.

I personally like Match.com and eharmony, although getting people to reply on there can be a little frustrating at times, so I wouldn't necessarily recommend the latter.

Like I said the best thing you can do is look at some sites and see where you feel comfortable. Even on the paying ones you can register without paying a subscription to see what it's like.

HaveYouGotSoup Sun 21-Aug-11 00:25:02

Oh, I meant I could put 10,000 on here!!!
So it's just a question of trying a few out I guess. At least I have a few names now. Otherwise it would have been tricky. Thanks all.
If you know anyone 30-40, ferociously clever who will stand her corner but isn't into defensiveness, kind, with or without children, not superficial, is honest/loves food/cooking/languages/libertarianism/history/pastoralism/philosophy/esoterica/children/is not screwy/despises faux and hypocrisy and would chew and spit out Grauniad readers for breakfast/ wltm but few and far between in England I guess.

HaveYouGotSoup Sun 21-Aug-11 00:27:13

Oh, and likes Withnail and I, Laurel and Hardy, Manor houses, GTs, asparagus beds, oh I suppose I could go on forever

HaveYouGotSoup Sun 21-Aug-11 00:38:25

Hates cats/loves vegetables/efficient/laughs at femino-fascism/comfortable in her own skin and confident in her own abilities/met so many people from so many different countries and mileu that she can spot a pseud at 100m/belives in family above social approval - nay laughs at such/cares not whether she is rich or poor/tough as old boots but appreciates la finesse/is educated below her intelligence ie not beyond her intelligence like a Guardian reader/ likes the simple things in life and can see the world in a grain of sand/Her doors of perception do not need to be opened by drama but by imagination alone.
For a start, it is not too much to ask, is it?

Bogeyface Sun 21-Aug-11 00:39:59

I am sure you could go on forever, but not on here my love!

The chances of you getting a date via MN? 0%

The chances of you getting a severe roasting for trying to get a date on MN? 100%

Stop being tight and pay for a decent dating site because your last 2 posts make you sound kinda creepy and desperate!

Bogeyface Sun 21-Aug-11 00:41:53

Oh and I assume that "third board lucky" refers to the fact that you got kicked to the kerb on the previous two, so you might want to take a hint............?!

Seriously, good luck in finding a lady, but stop being a knob, it might help! just saying................

Solo Sun 21-Aug-11 00:52:35

Blimey! you don't want much OP! I thought I was fussy! wink

vole3 Sun 21-Aug-11 06:20:02

Darn, we'd have been a perfect macth apart from the 'hates cats' bit.....

pickgo Sun 21-Aug-11 07:09:36

Personally, if I were looking for a relatoinship (^and I'm not^) I'd want to meet someone who was open to valuing me as an individual and not trying to squeeze me into a preconceived set of 'requirements'.

educated above their intelligence.... wtf???

HaveYouGotSoup Sun 21-Aug-11 07:42:53

Bogey - I would never look for a date on MN as you put it. Euggh, even the idea gives me the creeps.
Pickgo, that phrase encapsulates Guardian readers, if you read the Guardian, you won't understand it.
Creepy and desparate, ho, ho. Nah, I wouldn't put that stuff on a dating site. just amusing myself really. Imho, it is traits and spark that matter, all the rest of it just falls into place I suppose. Have to be firm on the cats, though. Call me Sir Roderick Glossop, or knob, if you fancy.
Toodle Pip.

MrsHicks Sun 21-Aug-11 08:03:04

You could try OKCupid which is pretty cool.

HairyGrotter Sun 21-Aug-11 08:17:31

Good luck with the whole dating thing biscuit

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now