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Ex with drinking problem, his family and access to dc.

(10 Posts)
kidsplusexequalsnightmare Sat 20-Aug-11 11:35:50

Ok, will try to keep this short without too much non essential detail.

I have two dc with ex one has SN.

Ex has a drink problem. He does not drink during the day or anything. He is what I would call a functioning alcoholic, holds down a decent job etc. I would trust him on say a day out with the dc. However as soon as drinking comes into play and he and his family drink A LOT, he becomes incapable and will literally drink until unconcious. He drinks into this state almost every night. It was the main reason we broke up.

His family see no problem with his drinking. His Mum in fact is pretty obsessive with enabling the grown up drunk adults in her family to the detriment of dc. Ex H agrees this to be true. Eg one night ex disappeared from a family night out to go off on his own. She came home in tears and immediately jumped in her car to go and find him despite being very drunk herself. On another occasion she left my ds (2) at the time in the care of a passed out drunk adult to go and look for another of her children. I was unaware of this until afterwards. Another time ex woke one of my dc up for a drunken "chat", I realised and went into stop it and his Mum became quite angry with me and tried to make me leave ex H with ds chatting drunkenly in the middle of the night because she was worried that ex H would go out again if he didn't get his own way! Ie once again prioritising a drunk adult man over a child.

My questions are this, I stayed in the relationship for much longer than I should have as I have because I was too scared to leave knowing they would now have unsupervised contact with my dc once ex and I split formally. Is there anyway now that we are coming to divorce that I can insist that my children are not left unsupervised with these people? I do not want them to stay overnight or go away with them and this is something ex is insisting on? Has anyone any experience of a similar situation? Any thoughts please? What would a court or solicitor think of the examples I hav given here? Thanks.

kidsplusexequalsnightmare Sat 20-Aug-11 11:37:30

Oh and another detail is that his parents live abroad and ex H wants to take them out there for a week at a time. There is always heavy drinking as soon as he gets with his Dad and like I say I cannot trust his Mum not to prioritise these drinking men over my dc.

GypsyMoth Sat 20-Aug-11 15:36:31

I think you will find without a lot of proof, then no, you won't be able to stop dads contact! It's up to him really.

How far into access and court proceedings are you? What is he actually asking for?How old are the children?

kidsplusexequalsnightmare Sat 20-Aug-11 18:38:04

Well he has three convictions for drink driving over the past 15 years and was also convicted for committing criminal damage at our property on the day he left, he was also on trial for ABH but was found not guilty, this was a fair few years ago.

I don't want to stop his contact NOT AT ALL. I just want to stop him from taking them to his parents. When he goes there he drinks till he is insensible and hands over all responsibility to his mother who behaves as detailed in my first post.

The kids are 8 and 4 and one has Autism.

We are not far into proceedings at all. I am seeing a solicitor on Monday. Would he be able to take them out of the country without my permission?

Thanks for answering.

babyhammock Sat 20-Aug-11 18:56:24

Do you trust him to look after them by himself overnights?
You need to think about what kind of contact you are happy with and then to get as much evidence, reasons etc to back it up.

He can't take them out the country unless he has your permission (unless he has a residency order...which he won't get). If you said no he would need to apply for a court order

Good luck, its a horrible situation to be in x

kidsplusexequalsnightmare Sat 20-Aug-11 19:20:05

To be honest I don't really trust him with overnights either. I think a lot of the time he would be fine and do the right thing but every now and then the drink just takes over. My children are not yet old enough to tell me that he is drunk and ask me to pick them up or anything. Honestly though I think it would break all of their hearts to have to have supervised contact. Like I say nine times out of ten he would be fine but I have come home before to find him drunk and the gas left on and one time had to call the fire brigade to get me into the house as he was drunk on sofa and had locked me out. My kids woke up at me trying to get in but they couldn't get him up either. Fundamentally I just don't trust him but when sober and on a one to one basis with them he is a great father.

babyhammock Sat 20-Aug-11 19:40:40

I'm sure alot alcoholic parents are great parents when they're sober, but hmm that's hardly great role model for them and its not like they won't know what's going on. He can't be trusted not to drink when they're around even though he knows they're so young and he's already endangered them and he's also happy to let his mum take over knowing that she prioritises him over the dc's just as he prioritises himself and his drinking over them!

What criminal damage did he do to your property? Were the DCs there at the time? What was the story behind the ABH? Was it drink related?

If you really aren't happy with overnights, and it sounds like you have very good reason to be worried, then you need to make that very clear.

Can you talk to him at all about this or does he just shout you down or minimalise it all? Is it possible that he would agree to not having them overnight?

Ah hun, whatever you decide to do, get as much supporting information as you can. Work out all the incidents and dates and write them down..

kidsplusexequalsnightmare Sat 20-Aug-11 19:44:51

"does he just shout you down or minimalise it all?" this is him. Promises he wont drink when he has them but I know he will.

Atm he sees them at my place as he does not have a place suitable to see them, is in shared accommodation, but he is becoming more and more abusive towards me and I cannot tolerate it any longer.

He smashed a window there after threatening me, I left and he was banging on the window, screaming at me and it shattered, yes my dc were there. I called the police immediately.

kidsplusexequalsnightmare Sat 20-Aug-11 19:45:27

Thanks for answering me.

babyhammock Sat 20-Aug-11 20:05:29

Hey that's ok x

Ok from where I'm sat:

He's abusive (I assume verbally/emotionally) to you, their mum, and has physically threatened you infront of DCs for which he was charged..

He drinks even when he is in charge of DCs and even though he knows he is incapable of caring for them in this state. He's been violent in the past.

That does not equal great father...sorry

I know this must have taken its toll on you severely and you're obviously trying to do right by everyone... but he is a tool and you need to do what is ultimately best for you and your DCs. I know its hard to see the big picture when you're in an awful situation like this.

If he's being abusive, try and record it (there are lots of really good gadgets out there).. everything boils down to your word against his and I'm guessing he's quite a bit of a liar. Even if you never use it, you still have it just in case you need it.

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