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how do i tell my h that it's over?

(12 Posts)
BigWoof Fri 19-Aug-11 23:54:06

I have been unhappy in my marriage for a long time. Dh knows this as I have told him during one of our arguments. If we didn't have children, I would have left years ago.
He favours our middle child (ds1) and doesn't even try to hide it. Today, dh spent all morning out with ds1, came home and watched tv together and the . H said that he was going out again. He told ds1 that he could go with him. Ds2asked if he too could go and h said no. Ds2 told me 'daddy doesn't love me'. I asked h if heard what ds2 said and I the repeated it. DD then said'he doesn't love me either' to which ds1 said (laughing), well he does love me. Dh said to youngest, 'of course I love you' but didn't say anything to DD. I feel so bad for her. She came over and said 'well I love mummy and she loves me'. Again dh didn't say anything and left with ds2.
How do I tell h that what he did was unforgivable and that his behaviour is affecting our children to such an extent that I want to take DD (12) and ds2 (7) and live elsewhere and he and ds1 (10) can live together.
I am the main earner and I do everything in the house too ( which is often the cause of our arguments)
What would you do?
How do I tell h that I have had enough and that I don't want to me with him anymore?

lifechanger Fri 19-Aug-11 23:59:13

It sounds like you are partially blaming DS1 for being the favourite.

I would consider kicking DH out in your situation, but not with any of my DC.

bramblina Sat 20-Aug-11 00:00:50

You shouldn't get tangled in to the childish behaviour regarding ds1, you should either take them all or none. It's not the child's fault.
I'm sorry things are so awful for you.

BigWoof Sat 20-Aug-11 00:04:59

How do I stop dh from doing it?
I have told him he can't always take just one child and i ask him to do things with the other 2 but he ignores me. His mum has told him to do more with the the other 2 but they both play tennis together and i have no interest in re his at all. I take all 3 children out together and encourage them all to get along but as soon as we get home, ds1 bullies the other children and dh won't tell him off. If i tell him off, dh tells me that i should stop moaning all of the time and that all i do is winge.
i have had enough

bramblina Sat 20-Aug-11 00:15:44

I don't know. Distraction? Ignore it, let him deal with it? You take ds1 out and he'll have to look after the other 2? Not much help here I'm afraid sad

SheCutOffTheirTails Sat 20-Aug-11 00:28:07

He is a poisonous influence on the family, so you need to remove him from the family home.

Just tell him you want to separate, and then start making the arrangements.

That kind of favouritism is corrosive.

LineRunner Sat 20-Aug-11 00:41:11

It sounds like your H has 'buddied up' with your DS1 in a childlike way. Is it a childish relationship, in that sense? It must be meeting your H's needs in some sense. Does he come across as playing 'Us against the world'?

Whatever it is, it's crap and immature and not fair.

But your post was "HOW do I tell...". You can either sit him down and tell
him that arrangements now have to be made; or you book a counselling slot.

And I'm so very sorry that this is happening to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 20-Aug-11 08:25:23


Your DS1 is being manipulated by his Dad; it is not his fault at all that he's become his father's favourite child; poor soul is only 10 after all and cannot see the wood for the trees. You cannot and absolutely must not allow such overt favouritism from your selfish and damaged H. Your H basically wants you to go so don't give him that particular satisfaction; anyway why should you and the children leave the family home?. He should be the one who leaves and solely too.

Taking the other two children to live with you whilst leaving DS1 with him is no solution; they must all be with you.

Unless you act decisively you will subsequently end up with three angry sad and bitter adult children who no longer speak to each other or even you. Their Dad is actively and deliberately poisoning the middle child against you and his other siblings and your H's actions will seriously harm your son's relationship with his other siblings. They are all being taught damaging relationship lessons; your H is harming you all.

You stated yourself that if it was not for the children you would have left years ago so what are you getting out of this relationship now?

Just tell him you have had enough and seek legal advice asap to extricate yourself from this marriage.

buzzsore Sat 20-Aug-11 13:32:40

Ds1 behaves in the way he does because of the favouritism of his father. I think you should get them all out of the situation if you can.

BigWoof Sun 21-Aug-11 09:11:48

The reason I haven't left is that I think that children do better when they have 2 parents but this obviously depends on the parenting.
Neithe my h or I could afford to stay I the family home financially without the other person so if we split up, the childrens world will be turned completely upside down. At the moment we live in a beautiful 4 bed detached house, the children have a horse and take riding lessons, compete at shows etc. They have tennis lessons and one competes at county standard. We have a swimming pool and a "nice" lifestyle. All of that would change as I wouldn't be able to afford any of that as a single parent and locally, the most I could afford is a flat. I have stayed because the children had been happy but I can't stay if their happiness is being compramised.
Last night h and I Sat down and I told him things have to change and we can either call it a day and go our seperate ways or he can work really hard at being a good father to all of his children. I will watch and if I sse anything I don't like, at least he can't say that I didn't give home a chance.
He knows that this is the last chance now.

Mitmoo Sun 21-Aug-11 09:17:01

Please don't ever think of leaving without all of your children, this child is being damaged by his father, you will finish off the job if you leave him behind. IF you get to the stage when you are ready to leave you must take all of them, don't separate siblings then focus on undoing some of the damage this twisted manipulative father has caused.

lilmissminx Sun 21-Aug-11 10:32:46

Children notice the problems in a marriage. Staying for the house and entrapments is odd as the sitaution is clearly not happy for any of you. You should speak to CAB and see where you would stand. You already stated you are the main earner, and your h would have to pay maintenance so there is a good chance you could stay in the family home. You should take a look at MSE forums to find ways to cut your outgoings and see what you can do. We grew up with horses etc, and initially Mum didn't leave because she was frightened, then she stayed 'for the children' in the end we took it in hand and told her that we wanted to leave as we couldn't stand it any more. She was shocked by how much we knew.
If you are not happy in your relationship it will affect your children. This is more important than most other things. I hope you can find a way through.

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