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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Friend has just told me he no longer has feelings for his wife

19 replies

heleninahandcart · 19/08/2011 16:15

This has been for the last year, and even more so the last few weeks. They have been together 6 years, married 4. No other problems between them, no one else on either side, otherwise have been happy together. He has tried to wait it out, to see if feelings come back, tried to get them back. He likes her, says she has done nothing wrong, describes her as a wonderful woman. He said he doesn't even look forward to going home any more, he has lost the excitement and feelings he had. Has tried to get it back. Says they both wanted children but it is not right to have a child and leave her to raise it. Says she will be devastated but continuing is not fair either. He is 29 she is 36

Opinions and suggestions from me to him please? btw he is not interested in anyone else

OP posts:

Report

SenoritaViva · 19/08/2011 16:18

He needs to be honest with her. Thank goodness there aren't children involved and much better to leave whilst this remains the case. (Whoever has tried to have a child to 'fix' their relationship is utterly crazy, it can break some of the best relationships...)

WhoWhoWhoWho · 19/08/2011 16:21

How sad for his wife.

How old is their child? Have they perhaps lost their connection since their dc were born? This happens to lots of couples and it may be worth them going to relate or something to try and figure things out together.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 19/08/2011 16:22

Oh do they not have children? I'm confused now.

heleninahandcart · 19/08/2011 16:24

No children. They wanted to start around now once they had established themselves.

OP posts:

DrGruntFotter · 19/08/2011 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WhoWhoWhoWho · 19/08/2011 17:26

Ah well in that case I agree with the other posters, time to be honest and upfront with his wife so they both get the chance to move on and find someone they will be happy with.

heleninahandcart · 19/08/2011 18:23

I wondered if he is expecting too much after 6 years Don't most couples go through phases where they just rub along? He says he is bored when he is with her, has no feelings, is not depressed and nothing else has changed.

OP posts:

PaigeTurner · 19/08/2011 19:24

I think 29 is a time when a lot of people re-evaluate their lives and perhaps realise they have changed as a person, or are heading in a different direction from their partner.

My XP was 29 when we broke up and I was 34. He still wanted to party all the time and I wanted to broaden my horizons. Not saying this is the same for your friend but just an example of how that age gap may be difficult.

FabbyChic · 19/08/2011 19:26

The relationship has run it's course and it is now time to split up and move on in a different direction. You cannot force love, if it isn't there now it never will be.

FabbyChic · 19/08/2011 19:27

At 30 I became a different person, you aren't grown up until you reach 30 you are still changing.

primetime · 19/08/2011 19:58

Sorry, he needs to man-up a bit and stop being so selfish. I got married to a 20 yr-old at the age of 19 and we are still marreid 20 years and three kids later. Life gets tough, marriage gets tough. You work at it. You don't just walk away because you don't "feel" something anymore. It's not Hollywood, it's real life. (And I should know the difference, I'm an actress)

He also shouldn't be talking to you about it. He's effectively creating relational intimacy with another woman because he's lost it with his wife. Bad for you and bad for him. They need to go to marriage counselling and talk it through together. This isn't a conversation for you and him to have. Stop now before it gets complicated.

heleninahandcart · 19/08/2011 20:30

Primetime The manning up a bit was my first reaction. But he is from a culture that takes marriage very seriously and has always been totally committed to his DW. He is not in any way getting intimate with me, he just knows I tell it like it is and trusts me to keep counsel. I would be on his case in a shot if I thought he was in the wrong. He has told one other (male) friend.

OP posts:

SheCutOffTheirTails · 19/08/2011 20:32

But life isn't tough, he just doesn't love her any more.

What kind of manning-up will fix that?

primetime · 19/08/2011 20:37

Your first reaction was right, but I do think there is usually a catalyst for this sort of thing. Either a feeling that someone else, somewhere would make him happier or another issue that has brought this on. I'm not suggesting he's getting physically intimate, but the emotional closeness that these conversations can create may be his substitute for the closeness he no longer has with his wife. The best thing you can do for both of them is tell him you won't discuss this with him again because he needs to talk this through with his wife and a counsellor. Let his wife have chance to say her bit with another person to guide them through this painful process. He does need to take responsibility for the consequences this will have for his wife and be completely honest about what is going on in his head :)

heleninahandcart · 19/08/2011 20:37

Does it just happen where you stop loving someone for no reason? Genuine question.

OP posts:

primetime · 19/08/2011 20:39

What does "he just doesn't love her anymore" mean? He "feels" more alive with someone else? She's getting snotty with him not coming home straight from work? The sex has gone off the boil? She's not making him feel like Tom Cruise all the time?

primetime · 19/08/2011 20:47

heleninahandcart For no reason? In my experience, no. There's usually an underlying issue or distraction/comparison going on. I speak from personal experience in my own marriage and from watching the world go by. the times when i have felt myself thinking "Yes, but HE makes me feel wonderful" or "He makes me laugh and tells me I look gorgeous" or "Wow, amazing chemistry" (this happens a lot in acting!) I have to remember that all those things are either temporary or are because they don't have to live with me 24/7 like my poor hubby does!!

i think we are too influenced by the media's portrayal of "love" as being something that is always about serving us and making us feel good. It's not. My husband would die for me, in a heartbeat. But that's not to say we haven't had our problems. Working through them has shown me he has more commitment to me and love for me than any other man I've known. He makes the effort to keep our love alive. He shows me kindness by understanding when I need space from the kids, a coffee made, arranging stuff so that I can work, loading the dishwasher for me, doing the washing for me, organising all the household bills, fixing leaking taps, always watching an episode of something with me every night after the kids are in bed, taking a firm hand with our teenage daughters. Now THAT is romantic! ;P

heleninahandcart · 19/08/2011 21:54

primetime he only mentioned this once, on the phone today. It was a total shock. She is a lovely woman and he has nothing but praise for her, they are good together, have been through a lot together. He comes from a culture where you marry and stay married regardless, love grows, mutual respect and compatibility is more important than romantic love. I questioned him on this, and he says he feels numb. No one else. He has always appreciated the small things she does for him, has been proud of her. Its very strange.

OP posts:

didyouseewhatshedid · 19/08/2011 22:01

Primetime - are you trying to help or just bragging about your relationshiop? FFS
OP - sounds like relationship has run its course. Best to tell her quick as the clock is ticking if she wants children.

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