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The fire is now a pile of luke warm ashes...

(13 Posts)
JustExisting Fri 19-Aug-11 13:54:34

Apologies in advance if this is long, I fear it will be but I'll try to keep it short without drip feeding.

Been with DP for 6 years now, we have a 2 year old DD together. On the surface, things are great. Recently engaged, about to take over an already successful business which specializes in one of DP's passions - great, fantastic DD, nice home, nice car etc etc. Behind closed doors however... I am so bored. DP works hard, 2 jobs amounting to full time hours plus more most weeks, so understandably when he gets home he wants to just relax which is fine. The current routine most days is that he is out of the house from 9.30am - 7pm. He comes home, plays with DD/gets her ready for bed at 8pm. Then we both sit down for dinner together, usually in front of the TV. The only conversation being me moaning that we have already watched what he has put on again. Then we sit in silence eating, then I clear up, and he lies down on the couch so I move to the other one. He is engrossed in the TV, so I read a book, or MN go online. We can literally sit in the same room all night and not say a word to each other, other than to ask if the other would like a drink. And the worst thing is, we both seem contented to do that. We have done it for so long now that it just seems normal.

We have sex twice a month, if lucky. Used to be 2-3 times per week, and I have lost 6 stone in weight this past 18 months so you'd think we'd be at it like rabbits, but it's gone the opposite way.

We don't fight, only bicker about silly things now and again. We just don't seem to have much in common at all. There is nothing we can sit and talk passionately about any more. He never wants to go out, unless it is to sit in silence in the cinema for 3 hours. He isn't much of a socializer so I am usually left to do that alone, and not often enough.

But despite all of this, I love him, I really do. And when we go through a rare good patch - we are great together, bring out the best in each other. But we have lost our way so badly and I am so scared that we can't get it back because he seems to be quite happy the way things are, it is easy for him. I am more like a roommate who cooks, cleans, and raises his daughter for him.

And in the next few weeks, when everything is finalized for the new business, and he is out of the house for 13 hours a day 7 days a week to get it back to it's full potential.. I just don't see how we will have the energy or time to fix it. He is under a lot of stress this past month sorting it all out, the last thing he needs is me moaning about how boring our relationship has become.

I just feel so sad and empty right now. No idea what I want anybody to say. Thank you if you have made it to the end! x

boudiccasSideKick Fri 19-Aug-11 14:17:17

I feel sad for you too and myself sometimes. My DP has two jobs at the moment for reasons I won't bore you with and this is unlikely to change in the foreseeable future. I felt very very guilty about feeling quite bored and resentful but in the end I HAD to have a chat with. Please just tell him how you feel, men need to be told. Once we communicated we found ways to be together, ie. booked short breaks away/night away every few weeks which give us both something hold on to/look forward to. Good luck x

JustExisting Fri 19-Aug-11 14:23:03

Thanks for replying smile

It isn't the first time we have been through this, we have talked about it before but all he says is "I don't think anything is wrong/what do you want me to do/I don't like doing this or that/when do I have time for what you want to do?"


I will mention it again, but I am hesitant to because I know exactly what he will say, and that nothing will be done. Just so frustrated, I can't fix us alone.

nje3006 Fri 19-Aug-11 14:27:09

Maybe don't eat in front of the tv. DP and I always eat at the table which I lay up properly, candles, sometimes a glass of wine, radio/music off (in our house DP likes quiet when he first gets in) and then talk about our day. If he doesn't want to talk he says he likes to hear me 'whitter on' (in a nice way apparently blush) as I work from home and have only the dog to talk to.

That could be a start.

Will you be working in the business together? Does that interest you? Sounds like as well as connecting with DH, you might need something else to get your teeth into. Well done on your weight loss btw, 6 stone! Go you! If you can do that, you can put your mind to anything I reckon...

boudiccasSideKick Fri 19-Aug-11 14:29:25

Oh honey, no you can't, it takes two. Sometimes it has to get to the make or break situation before anything can be resolved.

JustExisting Fri 19-Aug-11 14:39:59

Thanks nje smile

I do the table/candles thing now and again, when he takes DD to bed I run around like a madwoman in between cooking dinner to set it all up, he comes down, smiles and asks why I did it... then we eat.. in pretty much silence. It's like we just have nothing to say to one another, silence seems easier than forcing a conversation. It just seems like so much effort for both of us.

I used to be bothered about the lack of sex, but now I'm not. Because I feel more like his friend than partner, so my desire to have sex with him is pretty much the same as it is for me to have sex with other male friends! But I want to want him.

We will be doing some things in the business together, I am about to start driving lessons as it is an hours drive away and I won't be able to make it every day because of DD, so would need to get myself there and back when needed. But it won't be a long term thing, I want to go down a different path but again, need my license before I can apply.

Maybe things will get better once I am not a bored housewife any longer, and he is in a job he loves. Maybe then we will have some fire back in our bellies, and something to communicate about? confused

knickyknocks Fri 19-Aug-11 14:44:16

Blimey - I could have written your post. DH works ridiculously long hours. The next time we will see each other for anything more than about 10 minutes will be next Friday evening. I feel like a single mum most days as everything relies on me - shopping, pick ups/dropping off at nursery with 2 year DD/household chores. It's exhausting plus working a 4 day week. When me and DH sit down, it's often in front of the TV, no conversation, with me off to bed by 9pm, so I can get through the next day. Life feels exhausting right now.

I've decided that next Friday evening when I see him, I'm going to make a special effort, to switch the TV off and sit and have a meal at the table with him. I've booked a nice restaurant for his birthday in a couple of months. As for me I've decided to treat myself to a cut and colour at the hairdressers followed by a shopping day next month - it's costing me 2 days annual leave but I need some me time which in turn I think will help my situation. Could you do the same? I think half the battle is gaining a bit of you back - then equally booking up a couple of nice things to do as a couple.

JustExisting Fri 19-Aug-11 14:55:22

It's so draining isn't in knickyknocks. I think I do need a bit of me back. Right now I feel my only identity is 'mummy'. I am only 25, life shouldn't be this empty. A relationship of 6 years shouldn't be so luke warm. I think I have stopped putting so much effort in because it just doesn't feel appreciated, and is never returned. He never 'thinks' to do anything nice for me, or us. Would never dream of taking me out for a meal, or a drink, or a day/weekend away. Even simple things like starting dinner whilst I am at the gym so I don't have to come home, rush a shower and cook dinner so we aren't eating at 10pm, I just come back to him lying on the couch watching an episode of Friends he ha watched 50+ times before. It wears you down after a while.

I am cooking one of his favourite meals for dinner tonight, I will skip the gym once he is home and will make an effort to rouse a conversation from him. Will see how it goes!

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 19-Aug-11 15:03:18

Hi JE,

re your comment:-

"Maybe things will get better once I am not a bored housewife any longer, and he is in a job he loves. Maybe then we will have some fire back in our bellies, and something to communicate about"

Do you think deep down that is likely?. I would argue that is unlikely to happen and if that is the case, what then for you?.

He is out of the house for 9.5 hours each day and you don't talk readily now. You've stated that he could now end up working for 13 hours a day so you could both well end up talking less.

How are things going to change, how do you want things to change and what if he is actually unwilling or unable to make changes?.

You need to talk to him again and state clearly how unhappy you are with this current situation. He needs to properly address the problems within your relationship (his previous responses to you smack of can't be asked actually) because if left unaddressed any resentment you have will grow and any love you have for him will turn to both resentment and hate.

Did he comment much on your weight loss (well done for losing all that weight), how do you think he views you now?. Do you think he is somehow threatened by your weight loss?.

What are you both teaching your DD about relationships here; this is really not an ideal model for her to look up to is it?. If you feel like you're his, "roommate who cooks, cleans, and raises his daughter for him" then I would say your relationship is in huge trouble. He does have it easy and he is not mutually supportive. If you feel "sad and empty" I would actually now consider going to Relate and on my own too if your man is not willing.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

knickyknocks Fri 19-Aug-11 15:05:14

I've been with DH for 5 years and agree that it shouldn't feel this lukewarm yet! DH would never think of anything nice for us to do either. Note it'll be me organising a night out, or dinner not in front of the TV - I suspect most blokes are the same. That said, I think my DH would put the dinner on if I was down the gym or something (though I would probably have to text him on my home from the gym to do it - does that still count??)

Definitely get some you time back. Book that massage/hair cut/shopping day for you if at all possible (and if you go shopping try to buy things for you not DH or DD). You deserve some you time. Plus fab about losing the weight.

I think sometimes you just have to accept that it'll be your job to do things in relationships (ie book up nice things or cook a nice meal). That said, there's no reason why you can't drop massive hints about him doing it too.

I love DH dearly too. It's just sometimes I can struggle to remember the reason why sad

Hope you have a lovely meal tonight - make that conversation! Thinking of you xx

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 19-Aug-11 15:06:03

How old is he in relation to yourself?.

Would you still be together if you had not had a child?. Is she also now partly why you remain within this?.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 19-Aug-11 15:08:32

"Note it'll be me organising a night out, or dinner not in front of the TV - I suspect most blokes are the same"

Some are but equally many do not act like this and are actually more considerate. Why is it down to you solely and dare I say always to organise and or arrange nights out?.

Don't just drop massive hints; tell him directly!!!.

LesserOfTwoWeevils Fri 19-Aug-11 15:30:53

"Right now I feel my only identity is 'mummy'."
OP, what do you do for yourself, on your own, other than going to the gym? Do you have friends, or other activities?
I can see why you would like more from your DP but given his work situation at the moment it doesn't seem as if you're going to get it. And it's a bit much to expect one other person to supply all your emotional needs at the best of times.
Also, re the things you would like him to do—does he know that? Have you said so? At least the practical things like starting dinner.

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