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How to bring back the love.......

(19 Posts)
iwannaspliff4eva Thu 18-Aug-11 13:38:38

I wanted to say i love my wife but for about 5 years our relationship seems to be mostly friendship very rarely sexual its a problem iv been really vocal about in the past but to no avail im not asking for the world but i have a really high sexdrive more due to fustration and lack of physical emotion everything else in our relationship is fantastic it feels like its a chore for her i feel like she doesnt fancy me anymore is there any advice on where to go from here? Ps. Sorry for my grammer i rushed it abit.I wanted to say i love my wife but for about 5 years our relationship seems to be mostly friendship very rarely sexual its a problem iv been really vocal about in the past but to no avail im not asking for the world but i have a really high sexdrive more due to fustration and lack of physical emotion everything else in our relationship is fantastic it feels like its a chore for her i feel like she doesnt fancy me anymore is there any advice on where to go from here? Ps. Sorry for my grammer i rushed it abit.

tethersend Thu 18-Aug-11 13:41:21

Maybe if you didn't want to spliff 4 eva...? grin

Seriously, have you talked to her about it? What did she say?

iwannaspliff4eva Thu 18-Aug-11 13:55:41

Lol its just a name i havnt smoked in years couldnt think of anything better at the time. when i ask i feel like im pressuring her which i hate to do because it seems that thats all i want which it isnt i adore my wife i get butterflies when i see her i just dont want her to feel she made a mistake with me because i know shed never tell me if she felt that way i just want her to feel totally confident around me (sorry for legnth of replys but iv been bottling it up for for ages)Lol its just a name i havnt smoked in years couldnt think of anything better at the time. when i ask i feel like im pressuring her which i hate to do because it seems that thats all i want which it isnt i adore my wife i get butterflies when i see her i just dont want her to feel she made a mistake with me because i know shed never tell me if she felt that way i just want her to feel totally confident around me (sorry for legnth of replys but iv been bottling it up for for ages)

garlicbutter Thu 18-Aug-11 13:59:12

What kicked it off? Did something happen 5 years ago?

iwannaspliff4eva Thu 18-Aug-11 14:14:06

My wife got pregnant very soon after we met (few weeks of meeting) sex slowed after my son was born and never picked up again please dont get wrong idea im not looking for a sex slave lol just how i could rekindle our physical realationship for both our sakes

garlicbutter Thu 18-Aug-11 14:38:00

Thanks for the info. So your sex life dwindled after you had your son - basically, for the entire length of your marriage? Ouch sad

Having a small child is incredibly wearing. They make constant, urgent emotional demands as well as all the physical ones such as feeding, play, exercise, education, bathing and dressing. The vast majority of women go off sex for a couple of years, simply because they've no energy left for it - and that's even when they have a partner who really does his share. At least, in that case, they're both too tired for sex grin

Four/five years is quite a long time to be feeling like that, though. How hands-on are you around the house and baby? The true test of this is: How much time do you spend watching TV, playing a game, dozing and stuff (leisure) compared to her? Is she always 'doing' even when you've switched off?

It's a bit difficult in your situation, because you didn't have the time to form a solid relationship before forming your family. It's possible that you're incompatible in the long run. First, though, I'd look at the obvious which is how the energies are spent in your household.

AttillaTheMum Thu 18-Aug-11 14:47:01

From the perspective of a mother... You could be married to the most attractive man in the world and if you feel like you are working hard and are not emotionally supported or if your husband doesn't do his share around the house, suddenly he isnt very attractive at all.

Most women will not feel like sex if they are not emotionally attached. If you walk to the kitchen, ask if she would like anything. If you are coming donstairs, bring cups etc downstairs and load the dishwasher, if you are going upstairs, take the laundry up ( you could even sort it into piles wink) Offer to bath your son and put him to bed whilst she relaxes for a bit, then run the a bath.

If you do even one of these a day I can promise you will be having more sex than Stringfellow.

garlicbutter Thu 18-Aug-11 14:56:35

What, just bringing the cups down, Attilla? You're a pushover! (And very tough) wink

AttillaTheMum Thu 18-Aug-11 14:58:41

grin Im all about the housework Garlicbutter

(love the name btw, I had to think for a second, shake my head and say 'no that was dragon not garlic')

iwannaspliff4eva Thu 18-Aug-11 15:01:45

Your right it wasnt ideal catching on pregnant so quick as really we didnt know each other enough to take that step (wasnt planned) but after my son was born everything happend so quickly now it seems for at least three years that were on some kind of comedown if that makes sense we went away earlier in year (no kids) an i thought great time for us but unless i ask or mention sex iv no chance even then its usually no i feel like a kid asking for a biscuit lol i help around house and spend alot of time raising my kids im hands on and protective i think that my wife puts up with me because its easier than braking upYour right it wasnt ideal catching on pregnant so quick as really we didnt know each other enough to take that step (wasnt planned) but after my son was born everything happend so quickly now it seems for at least three years that were on some kind of comedown if that makes sense we went away earlier in year (no kids) an i thought great time for us but unless i ask or mention sex iv no chance even then its usually no i feel like a kid asking for a biscuit lol i help around house and spend alot of time raising my kids im hands on and protective i think that my wife puts up with me because its easier than braking up

AttillaTheMum Thu 18-Aug-11 15:08:21

Have you asked her outright what is going on?

CaptainNancy Thu 18-Aug-11 15:15:55

When you say you 'help around the house' what does this entail? Do you both work FT?

Do you still spend time chatting and laughing together at all?

iwannaspliff4eva Thu 18-Aug-11 15:20:55

Responses so far... I have a low sexdrive thats about it iv had to just accept that, we have an order of importance in our house it goes... Her family number 1 kids number 2 anyone who wants to talk to her online number 3 and me number 4 her family being a massive problem as there so judgemental of me the wife an more so my children

garlicbutter Thu 18-Aug-11 15:36:01

Oh dear sad So the in-laws are a big feature in your lives? Does your wife enjoy their company, or do they get you both down?
What's she doing online?

I'm sorry to hear your holiday didn't help any.

iwannaspliff4eva Thu 18-Aug-11 15:59:48

I lost my job recently it was contract building work so we knew it was coming but it never makes it easier my self esteem is on the floor has been for ages but gets worse as time goes by, my wifes a hardworking sahm an i love her for that as we cant afford childcare with most her family dispising me and minimal confidence im finding it hard to hold it together (tried to say it without sounding like a goon and failing miserably :-)I lost my job recently it was contract building work so we knew it was coming but it never makes it easier my self esteem is on the floor has been for ages but gets worse as time goes by, my wifes a hardworking sahm an i love her for that as we cant afford childcare with most her family dispising me its hard work lol

iwannaspliff4eva Thu 18-Aug-11 16:01:56

Sorry it keep bloody repeating my messages il keep them short from now on lol im babbling.

garlicbutter Thu 18-Aug-11 16:11:59

Yeah, it managed a couple without repeating though grin

Are you both at home all day now? The lack of money must be adding to both your stress levels, but it is a great opportunity to really show her how much you care - by just doing stuff without being asked, giving her some proper time off and so forth. If you don't already know when your next contract's starting, obviously you need to work on that - and I'd suggest you take up running or cycling to lift your mood and boost your confidence.

Does she say she loves you? Does it feel like it?

iwannaspliff4eva Thu 18-Aug-11 16:57:15

Most of time im home at the moment job searching im never out of work long always the way with contract work, when she says she loves me i think she does but not as much as she used to

iwannaspliff4eva Thu 18-Aug-11 18:44:51

Thanks for all your advice on here its been good to get this off my chest

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