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My daughter

(5 Posts)
IWantWine Thu 18-Aug-11 12:49:49

is in an abusive relationship. She is still at home. The abuse is getting violent and it is escalating. I have tried so hard to help her. What should I do? What can I do?

Her father is EA towards me and her and I am trying to hard to proceed with a divorce. The situtation is a nightmare it is so complicated. I have no one in RL. I try so hard to talk to her, to make her see. She doesnt believe anyone would treat her better and she is absolutely terrified of being alone! I took her to the GP and tried to explain and ask for counselling but he seemingly does not think she needs help. Where else can I turn? How can I get her to end this?

notsorted Thu 18-Aug-11 12:52:53

Look at WA and Refuge sites, both have ideas for helping someone in abusive relationship. Phone WA yourself. Have a look at the thread on EA here, join in. You are brilliant for trying to help. It's a long road that starts with a few babysteps

NanaNina Thu 18-Aug-11 13:14:20

Your daughter clearly has very low self esteem and violent men often cause a kind of emotional "paralysis" in their victims. I am wondering though, if your H is EA to you and her, and this has been going on since she was a child, that is the model of relationships that she has in her adult life. She will have seen it as normal, and it's sad, but children who grow up with this kind of father will become adults who will repeat the pattern. I'm sorry if this is sounding critical of you and of course there will be so much more going on in your household than you can say in a few lines of text.

I am wondering what your position is in relation to the EA, do you stand up for yourself, fight back, or do you just take it to try to keep the peace. I note you say you are "trying hard to get a divorce" but you don't need a divorce to get away from an emotional abuser. You need the courage and help with practical matters, which Womens Aid would assist you with, unless you can support yourself financially. Maybe if your daughter saw you taking a stance against her father, that would be a very good thing for her.

As far as counselling is concerned, the person has to be motivated to know that they have a problem and need help. It doesn't sound like your daughter sees it like that at all.

Do you see the link between your EA husband and your daughter's violent partner.

IWantWine Thu 18-Aug-11 16:23:51

thank you both for your replies. I have been in touch with WA for myself already but I will get back to them about this situation with my daughter.

NanaNina you have grasped the situation and I have kept the peace for far too long. The EA was subtle initially, but like all abusers (I think from reading so much on here!) they push further and further. I cannot post on here the way she is treated by her father but it is because of that, that I have finally had enough. I put up with stuff for myself but I have to protect her and yes, it has been going on for such a long time. sad I feel I am totally responsible for her attitude and low self esteem by not acting sooner. I dont think I will ever forgive myself.

Yes I do see a link and it needs to be broken.

I keep pointing her in the direction of all the wise and supportive posters here in the hope that if she cant quite bring herself to believe me, then she will listen to someone else!

I dont post much about my own problems but I draw a lot of support from the advice given to women (and sometimes men) who are in a similar situation and that has helped me to completely withdraw from the relationship and within a couple of days I am instructing a solicitor to start divorce proceedings.

Right! off to the WA website now!


NanaNina Fri 19-Aug-11 00:10:00

I can see that you are trying to help your daughter by pointing her to the wise posters on here, but all the EA has left her very low in self esteem, and she can't borrow someone else's self esteem. She won't be conscious that she has low self esteem because of the EA, but of course she has. She may be more emotionally damaged than you realise.

You have been honest enough to post that you have put up with it for far too long - have you talked to your daughter about that - but actions will speak louder than words, and your best chance of helping yourself and your daughter is to move from this EA man. It won't be easy because it never is, but as you probably know, many posters on MN have done it. You need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you have the courage to leave, because EA men paralyse their victims, and this prevents them taking any action. Statistics show that women are hit or abused in some way an average of 28 times before they report the violence to the police or contact WA. Your self esteem must be rock bottom too, and you are also carrying guilt about your daughter.

You say you have no-one in RL - is that really how it is - no friend or relative who could support you with getting away from your EA bloke. I may be being to cycnical but you are talking again starting divorce proceedings "in a couple of days" but is that necessary - why do you need to be divorced before leaving him.

Anyway well done for thinking of WA. and I really hope you can get away from this man who has "stolen" so many years of your life and his daughter's life.

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