I'm a soon-to-be-divorced father of 2, aged 47. I've been with my girlfriend for 18 months and she's 45.
We met on a dating site and she's my first serious girlfriend since my wife walked out in 2008. During that 2 years of being alone I dated a few women I met online but it never came to anything, and I also had a much younger 'friend with benefits' who I had great fun with, was very close to, and loved a lot, but she did not want anything more. During this time I also worked on my relationship with my kids (boy 11, girl 13) and we were really close. My ex and I did mediation and everything was amicable. Looking back it was a good time but I am not the type to be single forever.
I was 45 when I met my current girlfriend and panicking about growing old alone. She seemed great online and for the first weeks, and I introduced her to my kids very early on, which I now realise was a mistake. My girlfriend has no children and is probably unable to have any due to various gynaecological problems, and she is very bitter about this. She cannot stand to be around my children and wants me to keep them entirely separate from her, if I try to meld the two worlds she says I am 'rubbing it in' that she can't have children. She really wants a baby with me but I don't because there are so many problems within our relationship.
She has a particular problem with my daughter who I was very close to. For example my daughter would come and sit on my knee, and my girlfriend would get very upset about this and say it wasn't appropriate - she is Asian so maybe it's cultural - but also I think there is territory marking and jealousy. Every time the 4 of us were together it ended in an argument with my girlfriend saying I'd neglected her in favour of the kids. It's now much easier to keep everything separate but my relationship with my kids is suffering and they feel neglected by me.
I am virtually living at my girlfriend's house now because she won't come to mine. I have to keep my rental up because I need somewhere to see the kids. It feels like I'm living 2 separate lives and doing everything but none of it very well, nobody is particularly happy with me. I get no me-time because I am now commuting much further to work and dashing around all the time between kids and girlfriend. I tried to finish with my girlfriend a few times early on but she got upset and we ended up agreeing to work things out. I have form for staying in bad relationships because I was miserable with my wife for the final 5 years but I'd never have left her, she had to leave me to make me do anything about it.
My girlfriend is also quite abusive to me - she criticises my appearance with snide comments, and does not want me to see my friends. She's having a bad time at work so I try to let it go over my head but it is affecting my confidence. I used to be very sexually confident but now I am often unable to perform. I did not tell my 'friend with benefits' about my girlfriend for a while and continued to sleep with her too, I know this is bad but at that point I didn't know if my girlfriend would last or not. I found that I had no problem performing with the FWB. Once the FWB found out about my girlfriend she backed off and I no longer see her. I miss her a lot, and my other old friends too, and my old life. I don't have much in common with my girlfriend but I was hoping that through shared experiences this would become less of a problem.
So now I'm 18 months into this relationship and I feel like we've invested too much time in it now to give up. This baby / biological clock thing is a big issue and I'd feel bad leaving her with no hope at all. I'm probably to some extent 'settling' for my girlfriend, is this normal? There are a few good points - I see her having no children as a good thing, and she is financially solvent. I also worry about the effect on my kids if they see a string of women coming and going from my life. I often wonder what else is out there, and if there is someone like my FWB who would be willing to settle down with me, but I'm not sure it's worth the risk as she was probably a one-of-a-kind.
So I'm just wondering what people think, should I cut my losses and finish it, or keep trying to work on it and hope these are just issues that iron themselves out?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
What to do about girlfriend - should I stay or should I go?
TicTacTony · 18/08/2011 10:29
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