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Is it me?

(18 Posts)
trulyscrumptious43 Thu 18-Aug-11 00:39:36

My DP of 3 and a half years has never properly lived with me as he has split his time between working away on location and visiting his sons who live abroad, while trying to sell his house, which is also abroad. However he's got his own cupboards of clothes here and uses this address for some mail.
After a hard year (during which he was diagnosed, treated and cured of cancer) he has decided to rent a house with a (male) friend about an hour away from here.
DP is thinking that not only would it be more convenient for his work but it would be very good for our relationship too.

I am trying to support him but feel very sad about it. (And yes he knows I feel this way). My daughter is just about to leave for university and my son, who is 14, is quite hard work and I will miss the routine company around the kitchen table.
DP's idea is that we will be making special time for each other when we see each other and we won't be dragged down in domestic life.
I fear that with an already hectic self employed working life and without the help of my daughter to take care of my son (who needs support) I will find it hard to make any new time in all of this for a live-out boyfriend.
Am I going mad to be unhappy about this?
What would you do?

TeachMySelfBalance Thu 18-Aug-11 02:21:06

Well, my impression is that he is using you. Are you quite sure you are the only partner he is stringing along has?

What did you feel when you found out that he is renting an hour away instead of moving in with you? A (little hmm ) stab in the heart?

"Good for his work and good for our relationship"...total bullshit. Simply for his convience where he won't have to deal with 'domestic issues'-ie the stuff that goes with real relationships.

No you are not going mad to be unhappy about it. That is your gut talking and I hope you will listen to it.

Box his stuff up and make him take it all to his house, especially now that he has a permanent mailing address. You can still see him of course. But I would not let this dog mark your territory with his things.

3 1/2 years is enough time...It is time for him to shit or get off the pot.

Fenella1212 Thu 18-Aug-11 10:04:03

I agree, this is all about him isn't it? What you need in a relationship he isn't able/isn't willing to give.

Sorry, I'd have liked to be able to give a more encouraging answer, but I think you have to have a good look at this relationship and decide if it is enough for you, or if you tell him to go string someone else along.

NanaNina Thu 18-Aug-11 14:09:21

I disagree with other posters. I think it is living together that causes the divorce rate to be 1 in 3. When living apart, you can have the best of both worlds, your own home, space etc and a fulfilling relationship too and keep the romance alive. My DP and I did this for 18 years when he worked away in term time, and we both felt fine about it. In fact living together when we retired was a problem!

Problem here is that isn't what you want, and he thinks it will be a good move. In relationships we don't "own" each other - each can act of their own free will. If he is unsure about committment well so be it. It may of course be that he wants to have other relationships (or already has one) and an hours drive away is a nice distance. If this is the case, then he is being dishonest and this is unacceptable.

I think you need to confront him with this fear and tell him you expect him to be honest. You will be able to tell quite a lot from the way he reacts. If he becomes defensive or agitiated, that isn't a good sign. If on the other hand he can calmly re-assure you, that is a better sign. Watch his hands, people who are being open and honest often hold out their hands with palms up, whereas rubbing nose with end of thumb is a sign of possible lying. Time will tell I think whether he is being honest or not.

I think you are unsurprisingly anxious about your daughter's imminent departure and you will miss her not only for "company around the kitchen table" but maybe because you have an emotional dependence on each other and you want someone to fill her place. Yes you thought it was DP - but it appears not to be the case. Keep hold of your self respect and tell him he has to do whatever he feels is best, but you need him to be honest.

EdithWeston Thu 18-Aug-11 14:18:37

It sounds as if, up until now, you have seen external reasons for not living together and have not actually examined the question of whether he (and you) want to co-habit and what this means for the direction of your relationship.

This has come at remarkably bad time for you, as your home is emptying and everything is in sharper focus. How long is it since you lived alone? If it's been a long time, or never, then this can be a daunting prospect. But it might be better for you to face this than have another person move in to avert that.

Separately, what do you want from your relationship with DP? Do you know what he wants?

trulyscrumptious43 Fri 19-Aug-11 17:40:25

Thank you all for your lovely and well thought out answers to this. I really appreciate it. I couldn't look on here for a couple of days, busy with work, but I'm back now.
One thing I need to get straight - DP is definitely not having a bit on the side, he just isn't, he couldn't do it.
We're not having an open relationship either, in fact I think I would be better at that than he would be, the idea scares him stiff.
He's a sweet man who maybe is making the most of his new stab at life - he had lung cancer and has totally surprised his doctors by beating it, the survival rate is v low.

In a way I see this new house of his as his Harley Davidson (read midlife crisis). I'm sad that his new start doesn't at this point involve me but he's gone off today assuring me that this will be a wonderful beginning, he's going to immerse himself in work and will get on his feet financially again. The illness had knocked him out of circulation with work, he's freelance too.
He talks about space for himself and I can see it I guess.
His illness (in fact I now know that it is more often referred to as a 'journey' - note slight twinge of irony here) has really given our relationship a beating and we are trying to find each other again.

In answer to EdithWeston, I've actually lived on my own for 12 years because no one ever seemed to be right for sharing my family with. This is my first happy relationship (well until recently!) and the first one that I have been able to see a long term future in. Our idea was always to get a place together but I have very little capital of my own,and DP has been waiting for the sale of his house for years now. He has kind of stayed with me as a default and he's always said he sees this as my place, not his. I just wish he could feel at home here with me.

I'm going away to work for a week on Monday and when I get back I know that he will have moved his stuff out. We have a date together and hopefully a few days away planned next month, but I'm wondering which is the best to deal with the smack in the face when I walk back in through the door to the empty house - Baileys or Gin?

Bogeyface Fri 19-Aug-11 19:15:01

I am afraid that this doesnt look good.

You were good to have there when he needed a place to stay in this country and to store his clothes and mail, but when the natural point came where he could move in for good, he didnt.

Whether this is because of his illness or not is kind of irrelevant, he could have moved in and chose not to.

If you are happy to have a relationship with him on these terms, and accept that he may never live with you, then go for it. If not then now might be the time to move on, as hard as that may be.

And house sales dont generally takes years, do they?

HerHissyness Fri 19-Aug-11 19:21:22

He's not committed up til now, has had a brush with death and STILL isn't committing to you....

He's not going to. and never while you enable this together but part time thing.

NanaNina Fri 19-Aug-11 22:02:53

I never cease to be amazed at how posters can make such categorical statements about people they don't know the first thing about, apart from a few lines of text on a forum like this. Are some of you mind readers?

Yes NanaNina, it's almost as silly as thinking that people who scratch their noses are telling lies. Body language is a complex subject and never to be taken alone as an indicator of anything at all.

trulyscrumptious43 Sun 21-Aug-11 01:25:37

Hi Bogeyface...the house sale is taking years because his divorce settlement is part of the deal. Looks like it might happen now.
Funny thing is, when I really think about it, I'm not that confident about moving into a house in which he has a far larger financial stake than I do - I guess I've lived on my own too long!

Bogeyface Sun 21-Aug-11 02:09:15

Fair enough smile

And protecting your financial future is very sensible. If more of us did that then there would be less posts on here about potentially homeless women and children! If your are not 100% about it then perhaps living apart is for the best, atleast until you are both completely happy with owning a house together.

Good luck whatever you decide. I admit that as a post-affair trying-to-make-it-work-er I am quite cyncial and if you are happy to see how it goes then you should do that, if it makes you happy smile

pickgo Sun 21-Aug-11 07:24:54

Don't worry about your DD moving out, you'll still see her I'm sure and you'll adjust... it just takes a bit of time ime.
WRT DP, I think moving someone in when your DS is 14 is a very tricky prospect. They are just at the age when they seem to genetically resent any older male who is on their home territory. And if he already has some difficulties surely it's better to see how things go for a bit longer now that DP's over his illness?

TDada Sun 21-Aug-11 08:03:16

Why an hour away. That bit makes me suspicious. Why not 5 mins away?

saggytummy Sun 21-Aug-11 23:41:08

Could you be brave and say to him I would really like you here with me, why not have a go of living together. 3 plus years is a long time and I would say that its wouldnt be out of the ordinary to want more time together. I can see his point and I love my own company so would like this set up. It works for my aunt btw. She's been with someone a while, both spouses deceased. They have separate homes, meet up and go away, seems to work. You either muddle along or you end it and look for someone new. Good luck.

garlicbutter Sun 21-Aug-11 23:59:48

I've got to say I would prefer this! The important thing is what you want, though, scrumptious. It doesn't look as if living together will be a good option for him - at least, not for many years. You could suck it and see. If you do find you're starting to resent him popping over then popping away again, you might be better off freeing yourself for a more 'coupley' sort of relationship. Glad you have a holiday coming up - hope it gives you time to weigh up your options. enjoy smile

sniffy Mon 22-Aug-11 00:06:46

nananina I agree with you.

I think it sounds like a perfect arrangement.

If I ever get involved in another relationship I can state categorically I will not be living/sharing domestic stuff with my hypothetical new man,

But you OP,are not me , and you don't like it.

Have you ever actually ASKED him if he would like for you to live together?.

trulyscrumptious43 Tue 30-Aug-11 12:37:33

Tdada; his new house is an hour away because of an expensive toll bridge between my home and his work.
saggytummy; yes I have asked him to move in. The answer was no. However I got back last night to find most of his stuff still here. Typical, non?

DP has been calling this week asking me to come and stay over at his new house; actually, he specifically keeps mentioning the big bed. I feel way too tired after a week away working long hours to live up to this!
And while I was away I got propositioned by a gorgeous young man (15 yrs younger at least!) Ha ha I wouldn't dream of it as I don't feel I have the energy for that either - in fact it seems like they both want me just for sex, my word, I'm 46 and exhausted!
Oh well another 12 hrs sleep and a few cups of tea and I may well rise to the occasion. With DP of course wink

However am really sad about DD leaving soon too and the exhaustion is not helped by DS's 'on the spectrum' behaviour.
There's a lot of change to get used to here.

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