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help me to understand dp & blend things better.

(10 Posts)
davidtennantsmistress Wed 17-Aug-11 10:26:50

(have also posted this in step parenting but wanted some other thoughts)

not sure I can help him more, or if I need to address my thoughts or what.

anyhow, am due any day really with DC with DP. his first bio child my second.

DP is a fantastic step dad to both his other step son & my son, he's v v hands on v v active loves silly play, for his part I feel can be a little strict, but likewise he thinks I can be a little soft - mostly we rub along on this front quite well. sometimes I probably do stick up for DS quite firmly and the result is DP feeling that DS & I don't want him around. which we very much do.

Usually DS plays up when he's been let down by his dad - i've taken steps for XH to actually start telling DS himself when he can't come & why instead of protecting XH, however we're still left with the fall out - perfectly normal.

DP for his part is v patient & understanding, & trys v hard with DS, but he's admitted to finding it hard when DS pushes him away & his buttons, & basically wonders why he bothers. (other times when DS is let down by his dad he won't let DP out of his sight, and will literally want to be doing everything with him)

I've tried to explain to DP that DS for his part, is trying to make sense of everything - after all his dad left us when he was 18 months old, he gets let down by his dad prob once a month at least, and in his child logic is trying to work out if DP will do the same, likewise DP in some respects I think is worried about blending too much and fully taking on the role again incase things go wrong again and likewise he gets hurt himself - think there's insecurities all around tbh with both not wanting to get too hurt.

maybe i'm over analysising this, but likewise I don't want to have an unsettled DS who's got a lot of big changes atm going on in his life, or a DP who can't get on with my child when he's my other child's father.

DS is 5, so still teeny, which I think sometimes also frustrates DP, as I keep reminding him DS is 'only 5' but likewise you can't project adult feelings onto a child.

help - does it get easier?

humptydidit Wed 17-Aug-11 10:41:51

Not really sure what to say except that I think it's normal for a step parent to find it difficult to find his niche in your sons life....

But I would say that maybe your dp needs to remember that he is the adult and your ds is only 5 iyswim. Fair enough dp isn't finding it easy, but it must be a hundred times more difficult for a 5 year old to come to terms with his own father letting him down as well as understandig how your dp will fit into his life.

I hope everything sorts out for you v soon x

davidtennantsmistress Wed 17-Aug-11 14:09:25

that's what I said humpty - ie we're the adults here and we have to help DS understand & make him remain secure.

I think DP gets frustrated with me as well as I don't understand how hard it is to be a step parent, but likewise, he's done it before maybe i'm expecting too much? Either way DP & I do agree that we'll do what it takes to help DS & pick up the pieces after his dad lets him down, i'm sure it will settle just a little worried about how to achieve it. Am dreading hearing DS say the words 'you're not my dad' to dp, which will upset him, but likewise atm DS does sometimes call DP daddy, depending on where we are and who we're with.

humptydidit Wed 17-Aug-11 14:12:09

davidtennants I agree that it will be upsetting for your dp to hear it if your ds does say "you're not my dad" but sadly that goes with the territory of being a step parent, in the same way, that picking up the pieces after your child spends time with their father/mother who is your ex, is part of being a single parent iyswim sad

Don't really know what you can do about it, except to realise that it's all just part of your ds trying to figure things out in his own head.

davidtennantsmistress Wed 17-Aug-11 14:30:09

I know, guess it's time all around really, as it's all totally new to me as well - likewise taking a back seat when DP tells DS off, so we're seen to be standing together as it were (nothing major I mean telling off but if he's not listening etc)

garlicbutter Wed 17-Aug-11 14:31:49

I keep reminding him DS is 'only 5' but likewise you can't project adult feelings onto a child. - This is the crux of the matter, I think. Was his other son a bit older when DP became parent? Some children successfully take responsibility for the adults' feelings - far from ideal, but I wondered whether DSS1 had done this somehow, thus saving DP from the full gamut of childhood anxieties. No kid can do that at 5yo, but maybe DP never needed to know.

If you don't already, it might be good to have weekly 'group therapy' sessions - do it round the table at a fixed time, and call it a family conference. If both the DCs get the chance to discuss things in their own words, with appropriate questions and guidance from you two, this might help everyone understand what's going on.

That's my best idea, feel free to ignore it!

Madlizzy Wed 17-Aug-11 14:34:31

My husband took on my son when he was 3 years old and to date, my lad has never said "you're not my dad" to my DH and he is now 18. Tell your DP to just go with the flow and enjoy your family. What ifs only spoil the present.

davidtennantsmistress Wed 17-Aug-11 14:39:07

garlic - I do like that idea, no DSS (I also accept he's a part of DP's life and thus welcomed into our little family) was younger slightly when DP met his mum, but is now a lot older, he went through the whole your not my dad/rejecting him etc with DSS so think that's why in some ways he's protecting himself (DP) which I do understand.

We do also talk about things around the table & I do try to ensure that DS & I have quality time together, as do DP & DSS, the 4 of us all together and likewise DP & DS as well. it might only be a morning a month or something but we do try to have some time.

mad- will do, it gets easier though as time progresses?! lol.

Madlizzy Wed 17-Aug-11 14:42:05

It just gets different. DH left discipline of my son to me in the main and they have a wonderful relationship. My son is treated the same as his 3 siblings. In fact, they're working together today. grin

davidtennantsmistress Wed 17-Aug-11 14:43:53

grin thats good to hear, i'm worried that DS will get pushed out - ie the eldest is treated differently as was there first the baby differently as is a bio child so where does that leave DS? that's probably my irrational hormonal pg state, as deep down I know DP will treat all the kids the same, just worried about DS really.

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