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doormat

(67 Posts)
HidingAnger Wed 17-Aug-11 09:36:09

i really need some help about how to deal with dh and his behaviour. i'm a sahm with 2 young dcs and I do everything.. cleaning,cooking,food shopping,gardening incl the grass, clothes washing etc etc etc

dh does nothing unless specifically nagged. i've tried asking but it doesn't happen so (and he accepts this is the case) i need to constantly remind him x,y,z still not done. depends on what it is but i give in some of the time and just do it myself

i support him 100% in all his crazy hair brained ideas, he's just recently started a new hobby. this will take lots of time and a fair bit of money but i know how much it means to him so i'm behind him for it. he has recently had to do some weekend work and so he didn't miss out on seeing dcs, i took them into the office to see him (not a easy trip,1.5hrs public transport, we only saw him for half an hour but imo and his, it was worth it)

but what about me? i have had a few appts (medical, hair etc) in the past and he's rarely there to help (even if i've checked with him first about when he can help) which means i have to rearrange for when he will be around or ask family (not ideal)

i feel like an absolute doormat. i am doing as much as i can to keep the house going for him but its not good enough

he smashed a plate last night (rare behaviour) and refused to clear it up. as did i. he kept complaining about how we live in a shit hole and that a broken plate (and food mess) on the floor doesn't make any difference. i just repeatedly said 'clear up the plate'. it was about 10pm and he was still refusing to do it, saying it would take hours because of all the other shit on the floor. There were 4 towels (from our swim yday) on the kitchen floor ready for me to put in the washing machine today, nothing else. so i got dressed again, told him i'd be back in 2 hours so he'd better make a start on clearing up the mess he'd made. i came back at midnight and he'd done an ok job so i went to bed. dc2 then woke up at 1am and didn't sleep again til 5. this is a rare occurence for it to be so long but i am disturbed by at least one of them every night. so yes, on top of everything else i'm sleep deprived.

on top of everything else, he has recently started insulting me. eg we took dcs to a playground yday and people kept leaving the gate open. so each time, i walked over and closed it (busy carpark the other side of the gate). He then pretended he was clutching a handbag under his chin and accused me of being hormonal because i mentioned loudly about people not being able to shut the gate. he has picked at my appearance too eg 'ooh aren't you going grey'. someone told me the other day that i was looking slim (big compliment after 2 dcs!) and when i told dh, he laughed it off.

shit, he's sounding a right arse and i'm sounding like a weak thing. i need help on how to deal with him

ps i'll be back in half hour or so, need to sort out dcs

HidingAnger Wed 17-Aug-11 09:37:07

i've namechanged because he knows my usual mn nickname. happy to prove i'm a long standing member if need be!

pallymama Wed 17-Aug-11 09:45:12

Hello Hiding, my DH is also a lazy-arsed-git when it comes to household anything! I've posted on here a couple of times about it here and here if you want to read the advice I was given. smile

He sounds very disrespectful, both in his actions (or lack of!) and the things he's saying. Does he realise he's doing this and the effect it's having? Have you spoken about it?

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Wed 17-Aug-11 09:46:01

one word

S T R I K E ! ! !

HidingAnger Wed 17-Aug-11 10:05:30

pally, yes, we have talked about it. he says i'm being disrespectful of him and his feelings by letting the house get in such a mess. i know i'm biased but it really isn't a mess. my yard line (is that the right expression?) of the state of the house is, would i be happy about a friend/family just popping in at its current state? the answer is usually yes. the difference being is that friends and family have realistic expectations of what a family home looks like, ie not a show home! dh is an only child, his parents live in a show home and suspect it was always like this, even when he was a child. Although actually, the kitchen is a tip at the moment because he was left to do dcs dinner last night (i abandoned ship and went to the hairdressers) and there's also a big gash in the wall from where, i'm assuming, the plate hit it last night.

whosegotmyeyebrows (great name btw!) I was thinking that but it would affect me and dcs more than him because he's out at work all day

HidingAnger Wed 17-Aug-11 10:06:52

i haven't done the kitchen yet because i'm still deciding if i'm going to or not.

HidingAnger Wed 17-Aug-11 10:10:55

would it be a really bad idea to talk to my mil about it all? she phoned last night just after he'd broken the plate so she knows about that bit. i wasn't going to tell her but i was apparently not very good at disguising the upset in my voice

i do get on very well with her and i think she'd be able to give me an insight on his behaviour (similar to his father's) but i appreciate it would be a horrible position for her to be in

HidingAnger Wed 17-Aug-11 10:12:26

sorry, i seem to be doing a brain dump of my thoughts!

i feel like i need to talk to someone in RL about it but i don't know who which is why i was wondering if mil would be a bad idea

ImperialBlether Wed 17-Aug-11 10:13:22

You should NOT clear up his mess or fix the kitchen wall. No way. He's done that and should sort it out. If you remove the evidence of his temper, then he'll act as though it never happened.

He sounds absolutely horrible and if I were you I'd be considered whether to stay with him.

He won't do more than he does now - he clearly resents doing what he is doing now (ie nothing) and his new expensive hobby will mean that he will do less.

I'm sure your trip to visit him was done with all good intentions, but given the way he is, I wouldn't be doing that again.

niceguy2 Wed 17-Aug-11 10:13:49

He's no respect for you or the role you play within the family.

To be honest I'm not sure if you will be able to regain that respect. I thnk Whosegotmyeyebrows suggestion isn't bad. Go on strike for a few days so he sees what you do on a daily basis.

If you can't regain his respect (or he's unwilling to give it) then your relationship is doomed. It's just a matter of when.

ImperialBlether Wed 17-Aug-11 10:14:37

I wouldn't confide in your MIL. I think you could easily tell her why you were upset - "DH got into a temper and threw his plate and food and damaged the kitchen wall" - but I wouldn't go into opinions, just facts.

humptydidit Wed 17-Aug-11 10:20:40

Sweetheart, I don't want to be the bearer of bad tidings... but he is abusive.

What you are describing is abusive behaviour.

Take a look at this link and see if it rings any bells

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

That article was one that I saw on a thread on here about a year ago and that was the lightbulb moment which made me see clearly that I was being abused by my H.

humptydidit Wed 17-Aug-11 10:23:07

I would not advise you to speak to MIL. If he is abusive, and his father was too, then I don't see how she will be able to give you unbiased advice.

Take a look at the link I posted and see what you think.

If this truly was an isolated incident, then you could try sitting down and talking to yr H and tell him that you feel he is not pulling his weight and that you want him to support you more and see how he reacts?

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Wed 17-Aug-11 10:24:15

Yes I agree that he doesn't have respect for you or the job you do. The . . .

he says i'm being disrespectful of him and his feelings by letting the house get in such a mess.

. . . thing stuck in my mind. It sounds like he firmly believes it to be womens work and not his job and has no intention of lowering himself to it. Does he have any good qualities?

humptydidit Wed 17-Aug-11 10:24:34

Also, just a warning, if he got upset before and threw a plate, tread carefully... If you upset him by pulling him up on his behaviour, then he may throw something at you this time.

Sorry not tryinng to frighten you, just remember to stay safe. xx

Fuzzywuzzywozabear Wed 17-Aug-11 10:31:51

I would not confide in MIL either. I come from a "show-home" background and my parents would think your DH is right! Not that I'm saying you're expecting her to take sides, just that you may be disappointed in her reaction. The other posters are giving good advice - He is abusing you and trying to control you.

steamedtreaclesponge Wed 17-Aug-11 10:44:12

What does he actually bring to the relationship? It sounds like you're doing all the work.

He sounds like an entitled, emotionally abusive wanker who has zero respect for you or what you do. I very much doubt whether anything you do will ever be good enough for him as it sounds like he doesn't view you as a valid person at all.

humptydidit Wed 17-Aug-11 10:48:22

Also have a look at this link

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/mrgoodbad.pdf

This is the basis of the freedom programme which is a course for the victims of domestic abuse... I think if you take a look, you can see that the behaviour you described about your H is all listed on that first page and probably more things that you hvae'nt mentioned or realised are abuse.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make you feel stupid for putting up with this, trust me, all of us who have been abused and treated like this feel like that, but that's part of the job of an abuser, to wear us down to such an extent that we feel like we are worthless and a doormat and don't deserve any better.

You do deserve better.

x

clam Wed 17-Aug-11 10:49:13

"he says i'm being disrespectful of him and his feelings by letting the house get in such a mess."

Well he can f* right off!

Sorry!

HidingAnger Wed 17-Aug-11 11:54:16

its ok clam, you can say 'fuck' on here!

thank you everyone for taking the time to post, i'm reading it all

humpty... do you mind telling me about where you are now relationship wise? you say you recognised his behaviour but what did you do about it?

he has been trying to contact me this morning (text and phoning), i can't talk to him and still keep it together in front of the dcs

pallymama Wed 17-Aug-11 12:01:08

I agree with clam there! He does money earning, you do child care, the house work is as much his job as it is yours. You might decide that you're happy to do more if you're home more, but that's your decision. If he's not happy and thinks things are messy, then he can f**king well tidy it up!

When you first said he had smashed a plate, I just figured it was by accident, but if he has thrown it at the wall in anger that's a different story. I'm afraid I'm the last person to be offering advice on a potentially abusive relationship, but in your shoes I hope I would be demanding counselling at the very least.

I hope you're ok Hiding, take care of yourself.

HidingAnger Wed 17-Aug-11 12:09:05

plate was definitely thrown in anger

counselling is a good idea. i don't feel i can just walk away without trying something

humpty.. i've had a look at your second link, he does have a lot of things from your 'good' list too

humptydidit Wed 17-Aug-11 12:13:01

Hidinganger I left... I had my lightbulb moment about a year ago... so August-ish. Then it took me until November last year to realise that it really was not right and the more I thought about it, the more unbearable it became. I left without telling him in November... He persuaded me to go back so I went back after 2 weeks.... I felt that I owed it to myself and my kids to give it one more try. He changed but it didn't last long... I left for good 23rd December 2010.

Now 8 months on, I have moved back to my home town to be close to my family and I have had lots of support from local domestic abuse service here to get my head straight and done the freedom programme (10 week course).

My kids are now settled and happy, I have dd (6), ds1 (5) and ds2 (16 months). And I am starting my life over again. I won't lie to you, it hasn't been easy but the sheer releif of being my own person again and not having to walk on eggshells in my own house is immense.

Dunno if that answers your questions? Feel free to ask more or pm me. Will have a look at some of mty past threads to see if there's anything helpful there!!

Take care x

humptydidit Wed 17-Aug-11 12:54:58

hiding what about the first link? ring any bells for you?

If he is abusive, then counselling won't help you, but counselling for you would probablty been helpful, to get your head straight and to figure out where you want to go from here?

I know it sounds a bit extreme, but you could google domestic abuse service and your local town e.g. "Domestic abuse service reading" and ringing their helpline to chat to somebody. It is anonymous and they won't judge you and you can just be honest and say I'm not sure what's going on but can you listen to me!!

That's what these services are for, for information and advice. I'm certain that if they think relate or similar is going to help you, they can give you all the details of it.

I honestly can relate to how you feel. You are in a state of shock and you don't know what the hell is going on.... Just give yourself some time to let the dust settle a bit.

Just out of interest, has your H left you a message? What is he saying? Is he apologising? Is he saying I'm so sorry, I was totally out of order, I should never have done that.

or

Is he saying, I'm sorry, I was out of order, but I couldn't help myself becuase I'm stressed/I was starving/ I'm exhausted/ you pissed me off or whatever?

What i'm getting at is, is he accepting responsibility for what happened or is he making an excuse for it... there's an important difference.

humptydidit Wed 17-Aug-11 13:09:42

hiding sorry to bombard you with information!!

http://www.reducingtherisk.org.uk/wps/wcm/connect/occ/ReducingTheRisk/Home/RTH+-+am+i+a+victim

This is the link to the website of my local domestic abuse service. That page gives a checklist to see if you may be being abused...

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