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I am damaged goods and can't 'do' marriage

(50 Posts)
totalfuckup Tue 16-Aug-11 21:10:48

That's it really. My life is a complete mess. I'm lost and don't know how to fix any of it. I can't make myself or anybody else happy. I'm an awful mother, I've no confidence with being a mummy because I am constantly working. I resent my DH for not working even though he does a good job with DD. I wake up and actually feel like I hate him. I feel as though he has stolen my life. I'm from a big family and thought I'd have a big family. I've one DD and because of him leaving his job I've been working full time in a really pressured (not at all family friendly) job since she was 10 months old to keep up with the mortgage. He has made little to no effort to get back to work - nearly 2 years on.

I refuse to have another baby until he has got a job and shows he can hold it down as we wuld have no way to pay the mortgage if I wasn't working. I'm so cold and full of hate. I hate myself for not being at home and there for my daughter. I feel he's robbed me of the chance to be there. I never asked to be a SAHM - I thought it was too much pressure but always said we should both get substantial part time so we could share the responsibility and to be honest because he is work shy and wouldn't put up with me working part time if he was working FT.

I look to the future and know he will never step up. I'll never be able to even work part time let alone be a SAHM. My relationship with my baby is damaged. I get nervous with her and paranoid around other people that she will demonstrate that she prefers DH. Ive been left sobbing on my bathroom floor at the way she favous him. I feel other people see this and judge and accuse me of being this cold hearted career woman. I hate him for this. I absolutely hate him.

Our marriage has been sexless for two years. He keeps pushing the issue and I honestly feel sick. He is constantly grabbing at me and pushing at my PJs or nightie in bed. I desparately want separate rooms.

I have behaved in a completely fucked up, selfish, disgusting and destructuve way. I had an emotional affair last year. It became more than emotional, not once but twice. I'm full of self loathing. I keep trying to work on the marriage it is expected of me and I feel he will take my baby because he has lets face it been primary carer. We are living away from both families so he would take where his parents live so I am trapped. I can't risk that.

I so want another baby, a sibling for DD but I can't bring myself to sleep with him and we are in no position to bring a new life into the world. As time passes I feel like I'm losing my chances. I have polycystic ovaries and I'm scared that my fertility and chance of a sibling for DD is passing me by.

Everyone in my professional life holds me up as this great example of someone with a high flying career who is a mother. It sickens me. I've lost so much to keep that fucking job and keep paying our commitments.

I cant do this and it is all my fault. I feel such a fuck up and so damaged. I have had sporadic instances of bulimia throughout my adult life but I am caught so hard in the cycle now I can't stop. Why am I so fucked up. I've even startedt being sick at work. I barely eat anything there and I can't oversome the urge. It's all the hate in me.

Jadedcynic Tue 16-Aug-11 21:17:44

TFU, I've nothing helpful to say at all but having read your post I just wanted to reach out to you. You aren't a TFU; as evidenced by the fact that you are keeping the show on the road. I wish you'd get some help, maybe some counselling. You can't go on like this; you've got to get out.

MrsHicks Tue 16-Aug-11 21:28:18

You don't sound like an awful mother or a fuck-up to me. You sound like someone who's worked incredibly hard, sacrificing lots, to keep a roof over her daughter's head - that's not an awful mother. Your hurt and exhaustion and frustation are all that come through your post, none of the horrible things you're saying about yourself. Can you get counselling? It sounds like you've got a lot to talk about and work out.

totalfuckup Tue 16-Aug-11 21:30:41

I suppose I want to feel I'm not the only one out there screwing up their life and so full of hate they can't breathe. I come on mumsnet and read all these threads from SAHMs and I'm literally consumed with jealousy, same with friends having second and third babies. I haven't been like this before, I;ve always shared peoples' joy and happiness. The resentment and all the hate is just too much. I have to stop it but I cant seem to get a handle on my life. I put on this big smile to the outer world and get on with it. I'm the confidante to colleagues and always got a smile and joke for people. That used to really be me. I still do it but Im dead on the inside. It all rings hollow. People would be utterly shocked at my true circumstances.

totalfuckup Tue 16-Aug-11 21:39:59

Thank you both for the replies. I don't even know what I want anyone to say (if anything at all), I guess I needed somewhere to vent. I had some counselling last year but I didn't feel able to continue with it. I found it exhausting and so upsetting. It brought up difficult issues and a significant trauma from my very early twenties. I couldn't do it. It took me days to feel able to cope again after all the pain of that was brought to the surface. We didn't even start to deal with my behaviour in the last few years. I even wonder when you read some f the threads on here whethe being lonely and miserable is normal at this time of life.

lubeybooby Tue 16-Aug-11 21:44:03

You can't go on like this, you've got to get help. It isn't you, it's circumstance and with love, understanding, time and counselling things could be a lot better one way or another. Hug for you x

FabbyChic Tue 16-Aug-11 21:44:54

YOu aren't fucked up, you are a great mother and if not for you how would your child eat.

Circumstances are unfortunate that you have had to return to work full time due to the lazyness of your partner.

Leave him. You can do that and take the child too.

Look at childcare costs, I am more than sure that if you were single with a child it would be cheaper for you at home as the costs of running the home would be cheaper.

I worked full time from when my first was a year old and my second 5 weeks old, needs must, it doesn't make you a bad mother.

You sound like you are bordering on depression, take a hold of that and direct it where it needs to go. You don't love him, you have no respect for him. Either get him out of the house or you leave with the child.

Pigglesworth Tue 16-Aug-11 21:50:02

No, it's not normal to be lonely and miserable, people usually post here when they're in a lot of pain and are crying for help.

You have a lot of understanding of the issues that are causing your feelings. That shows intelligence and insight. I do not blame you for being so full of fury. Your choices have totally been taken away from you, and you have turned into a full-time work slave. All financial responsibility rests on your shoulders but it seems that this position was not taken on out of mutual agreement. Your early expectations that you had for your life and your partner have been totally let down.

Why is your husband not working? What is his attitude towards not working? Have you explained to him how high-stakes this issue is? How would he react if told by you to get a job? How much do you guys communicate about this issue? Is it your main issue? How would you feel in general and towards him if he did take on a full-time job?

Lots of questions there. I understand why you might be purging more too. Totally lacking control in your life, full of overwhelming and difficult feelings, full of self-hatred...

Venting is good but it sounds like in your situation what really needs to happen is for some changes to be made to your circumstances. How ready do you feel to try to make any changes? What would you like for your life - can you describe how you'd like life to be ideally?

buzzsore Tue 16-Aug-11 21:51:22

I'm so sorry.

You know, I'm inclined to say you should sell up, downsize/rent, get rid of him and go part-time. Life's too short.

joblot Tue 16-Aug-11 21:52:14

You sound so down and worn out, I feel for you, its grim. But this is probably the turning point you need. You've put up with things not as you want them and you are ready to change.
Can you talk with your partner about how crap you feel and him working? That looks like somewhere to start, then you'll make moves depending on whether he's with you or not. Good luck

mycherubs Tue 16-Aug-11 21:53:30

im so sorry to hear you feel this way, i think you are amazing doing this, but its obvious its destroying you so what can you change? is your dh willing to change anything? something has got to happen, i really feel for you hugs x

totalfuckup Tue 16-Aug-11 21:55:00

I'm sat here inconsolable because people are trying to help me. I can't handle sympathy because I really will just grind to a halt and collapse. I feel exhausted by it. At times I've tried to take control but now I feel like giving up. I just want to feel at peace for a while. No arguments or rows or takling to a brick wall until I'm blue in the face.

buzzsore Tue 16-Aug-11 22:01:26

Take some time off, get signed off if you have to, take your dd and go off for a few days. Get some headspace, have a breather, have some fun and time away from him.

Pigglesworth Tue 16-Aug-11 22:01:48

Well... we're here and listening. So when you try to talk to your husband about it, he argues back/ refuses to make any changes whatsoever? He is totally taking advantage of you. As soon as he pairs up with someone who is working, he quits work and lives at your expense and refuses to consider getting another job. What's stopping you from leaving him? That would give you peace!

ToothbrushThief Tue 16-Aug-11 22:03:56

TFU - tackle it one at a time.

Put yourself in position of a working Dad with SAHM. It doesn't make him a bad parent. You can stay in this situation and be a good parent.

The question is do you want to?

The answer is no

The problem is you want your husband to be the solution but recognise that he is not going to be

So YOU have to change something. Life is too short. Change housing, job, in order that you can be at least a part-time mum. There will be a way but it might involve enormous compromise to financial life. I'd ask about flexible working first of all and see if you can drop some hours and test whether this is really what you want

Eurostar Tue 16-Aug-11 22:06:37

Good post there I think from ToothbrushThief. You can't change him, so what can you change?

Also, I'd say, try to free yourself from the cage of fear of what others think of you. I very much doubt that people are thinking you are a cold hearted mother who doesn't care about her DD...and even if they were thinking that...try to tell yourself, so what, you know the truth.

Pigglesworth Tue 16-Aug-11 22:07:20

"Put yourself in position of a working Dad with SAHM. It doesn't make him a bad parent. You can stay in this situation and be a good parent."

I think the issue is whether or not she is in this situation through mutual discussion and agreement, or whether he is taking the piss and quit his job and now is refusing to get another one because he knows she has to support him and her daughter.

FabbyChic Tue 16-Aug-11 22:08:04

Listen honey, he does not want to change, he likes being at home whilst you graft, he has the easy life he won't ever change. You go out and do all the hard work whilst he sits at home on his fat arse.

Give him an ultimatum it's a job or fuck off, you are the one here in control remember that.

YOu pay the bills he contributes fuck all, what kind of man lives off of a woman?

He does.

Your daughter is only the way she is because her dad feeds her, lets her get away with things for an easy life. My youngest was looked after by his dad for 18 months before I decided I just couldn't be with him anymore, I found a nursery place, my son was happy, to be honest I don't even think he missed his dad when I kicked him out. He had other interests.

You can do this, you can be strong, you deserve to be happy if that is alone then so be it. Only you can take control and make things happen in your life.

Everybody deserves happiness that includes YOU.

babyhammock Tue 16-Aug-11 22:10:46

You must feel like you've hit rock bottom sad

You must do something to change the situation if its making you this unhappy.
Think about what you really want, then think of plans to get it.. how ever scary they may seem.

Someone said to me not so long ago...if you keep doing what you're doing, you're keep getting what you're getting.

You clearly can't go on like this .... something's got to change
hugs x

ToothbrushThief Tue 16-Aug-11 22:17:33

I don't wish to hijack this thread but I'm fairly shocked at the inference that a SAHD is worthless?

^FabbyChic Tue 16-Aug-11 22:08:04

he has the easy life he won't ever change. You go out and do all the hard work whilst he sits at home on his fat arse.^

Imagine if this was said about a SAHM?

Pigglesworth has hit nail on the head - it's about mutual agreement of roles.

totalfuckup Tue 16-Aug-11 22:22:20

Right. I've had my sobbing session and washed my face. Thanks everyone for the replies. It makes me sad to think I dont seem able to share any of it with anyone in real life.

There are a lot of questions so apologies if I attempt to answer them in the wrong order, out of sync. To give it some context, he gave up work coming up for 2 years ago and has come up with a few ideas of retraining, jobs but not done anything about it. Has made various promises about getting back to work and deadlines but they all pass by and if I dare to mention it we end up in screaming rows that have descended into aggressive behaviour and on a couple of occasions violence. I have been scared but extremely robust in responding to that and made it clear both during and in the days afterwards that it is not acceptable and I will take action if he so much as ever lays a finger on me again. There was a cycle of madness for a few months where things were getting smashed up in the house and the rows just became too much. We'd both end up distraught. That has calmed down but that I think is because I don't discuss anything about job hunting etc. I know it's a very difficult market but we are both trained professionals and I know there are jobs for him. On paper he has an excellent CV (top uni, top firms etc).

We have been together nearly a decade and a long period we were very very happy. The prblems I think started when I as a woman and pregnant looked to him for suport and realised he simply did not want to or could not provide it. Before that it didnt occur to me to be a problem, I've always been extremely driven and independent and earned as much if not more than him. I didn't need want or ask for anything material from him.

totalfuckup Tue 16-Aug-11 22:25:53

Toothbrush thief - I agree that is a fair point re SAHD. And he does bring a lot of value, I think the issue is as pigglesworth has said and which resonates so much with me is that I feel he has let me down in terms of what we agreed. He has unilaterally acted in such a way that I as a mum have no choice. If he had been up front about this being what he was going to do I would not have had a baby with him. The marriage may have ended prematurely or better still he would have informed me of this before we got married but I would not be trapped in the way that I am now.

mycherubs Tue 16-Aug-11 22:27:28

Do you still love each other?

You say you have always been very independant, does your DH know the extent of what you are going through? or do you put on a brave face for him too because he expects it?

Just out of interest what is your birth order? Assuming you have sibling of course. You sound like a first born.

fridascruffs Tue 16-Aug-11 22:30:07

I thought at one time that I was getting into a situation like this. Ex was supposedly staying temporarily to help with kids while I got sorted out with a job- but i would have quit the job no question if it had become a threat to me being the primary carer. However, you're in the supporting role now. With regard to your DD, you could work part time and at least establish that, if you split up, you get shared care. The financial side- that's a decision you're going to have to make. If you call his bluff- ie. you go part time and lose the house- would he let the house go, or get a job do you think? You seem like a person who needs an action plan rather than sympathy alone. Figure out what your priorities are, and then figure out how to make sure you get at least some of what you need & want. Then do it. Even if it's having another baby.

ToothbrushThief Tue 16-Aug-11 22:31:34

TFU - I hear you and can see how trapped you are. You need change and that change is going to hurt short term but long term will bring you a better life.

You need to go part-time and make yourself more of a carer in your DC's life. Make your financial situation tight and see if this prompts him to get a part-time job?

If nothing improves you stand a better chance of being a carer in your DC's life if you split

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