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Leaving a good, kind man

(77 Posts)
BettyBlueEyes Tue 16-Aug-11 20:24:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mbear Tue 16-Aug-11 20:28:22

Hi Betty,

I actually dont have much advice to offer, but I am in a v similar situation so I just wanted to offer some support. You are not the only one in this position.

BettyBlueEyes Tue 16-Aug-11 20:44:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Tue 16-Aug-11 20:49:13

I agree with you when you say you should never have married him

perhaps it would be kinder to set him free to find someone who will appreciate his sweet, kind, unexciting nature (I don't mean that badly, btw)

Your dc is still a baby

If you think you don't love his father, you should split now, while the child is too young to know any different

No point in hanging just gets more complicated, not less

ButWhyIsTheGinGone Tue 16-Aug-11 20:52:30

Disclaimer: I have little experience with long term relationships and none with marriage.

Even thought I can't be of much help, I just wanted to say you come across as a really thoughtful and decent person in your post and your situation sounds so sad.

However, due to events in my life, I have learned that you only get one life and you can't "re-do" any of it. You say you are in your early thirties - can you imagine another 50 years being unhappy with this man? If your immediate answer is "no" then you have to take action.

If he is as sweet and loving as you say, surely he will continue being a good dad and hopefully you can maintain a civil relationship for the sake of your LO?

as I say, I have next to no experience, so fee free to disregard, but I just think that too many lovely-sounding women on these boards seem to stay in poor situations then seem to think "shit - where's that ten years gone?" xx

BettyBlueEyes Tue 16-Aug-11 20:54:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eurostar Tue 16-Aug-11 20:54:59

Couples therapy at least before you plan to leave? I would say that you at least owe that to your baby who you decided to conceive despite already knowing you weren't really in the right relationship. If you do split, at least couples therapy will help you to do it the best way possible and consider the future properly and the fact his family are presumably a long way away.

AnyFucker Tue 16-Aug-11 20:56:59

Yes, that does sound kinda selfish

You don't fancy him, but want to stop him finding someone who does in case you feel lonely in 10 years time ?

TaudrieTattoo Tue 16-Aug-11 20:57:05

Read my thread "If you were a narc, would you know and feel bad about it."

Don't be me in ten years.

BettyBlueEyes Tue 16-Aug-11 20:59:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chosenone Tue 16-Aug-11 21:00:57

I feel for you, and ive been there. I did it after a year of talks! exDH felt id never be satisfied and was chasing a dream, I knew I was increasingly getting unhappier. Our split was done amicably and we share care for DC who seem fine. My parents are still very dissapointed and at times I feel extreme guilt and anxiety of the upset I've called but exDH and I remain ok friends and are thriving apart. Good Luck

Ivortheengine8 Tue 16-Aug-11 21:04:37

I agree with what has been said above. You can't change how you feel and I think you are being very honest about how you feel. You can tell by your post that you don't 'want' to feel this way and you don't want to hurt him.
I used to date a similar guy before I got married, he was almost 'perfect' so sweet and kind etc and would have made a lovely dad but he had no 'fire'
I find it hard when people do not challenge me when I know I am wrong because without knowing it you could start taking that person for granted and eventually it will crack.

Sometimes I have felt like you too, I have a 2 year old and due again in October. Sometimes I have felt trapped and have found myself thinking if I am really where I want to be. 9for other reasons than yourself)I don't want to be a single mum and I want a family too. FWIW DH and me rarely do much now either, we even sleep in seperate bedrooms because of his snoring!
You say you still love him though, I guess it depends how much is love and how much is you feeling guilty about how you feel and what kind of love it is.

Does he now have a visa to stay in the UK if you left? I'm not sure how that works?

MynameisnotEarl Tue 16-Aug-11 21:05:21

I for one won't flame you as my situation was similar to yours.

My ex seemed very 'nice', 'kind', etc. But in reality, he was very passive and happy to hand the control over everything to me. At first I enjoyed this (bit of a control freak) but then I realised that it gave him grounds to complain if things didn't turn out how he wanted them to - no-one to blame but me. And he put me down repeatedly until I lost confidence in my ability to do much at all.

It was a very strange relationship with him handing over the reins to me then criticising how I dealt with things. He would even encourage me to express the anger that he wasn't able to - (projection ?)

A marriage should be an equal partnership - It's so unfair to expect one partner in a relationship to shoulder all the responsibility and for the other to take a back seat.

BettyBlueEyes Tue 16-Aug-11 21:07:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mbear Tue 16-Aug-11 21:07:49

I am also struggling with the realities of married life, iyswim. Am I feeling as I am because my needs have changed, or do I not feel the same, should I have never got married etc. And there is no right answer as I don't know which way is up anymore sad

kayah Tue 16-Aug-11 21:16:35

MynameisnotEarl - I could write the same about my ex

I also didn't have curage to leave him wehn kids were younger...

do I regret it - not really as we split in the end anyway and my head is now in the right place

if I had family closer, someone to lean on I would have finished it sooner, not after 12 years.

BettyBlueEyes Tue 16-Aug-11 21:16:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

counsellingtricks Tue 16-Aug-11 21:18:38

God this is weird. Apart from the lack of ambition and being foreign, I could have written every word of your 1st post.
You sound like me. Except I am 20 years on. I have just come back from my 4th counselling session which is supposed to help me decide whether to stay or go.
My advice to you is go. It gets no easier. I stayed for the sake of my kids and lack of mone as a SAHM. Now they are grown up, we are so woven together I don't know if I can leave, but the feelings I have are the same as yours.

wearenotinkansas Tue 16-Aug-11 21:20:16

OP - sounds to me like there are two real issues here. You don't respect your husband any more - and you are not attracted to him (possibly because you don't respect him).

For the sake of your child, I would suggest some kind of counselling, before you split. You are not going to respect your H until he stands on his own two feet - and he is not going to do that unless and until he has the space to do so. I don't have the expertise to know how to do that - but perhaps a counsellor would.

FWIW I felt rather like you do about my exP. I struggled for a long time before I finally left him (and there were also other issues) - but it eventually worked out for the best for him and me as he is happily married to a (much) younger woman who looks up to him - and I have a DP who, although not perfect at all, does at least keep me on my toes!

LolaRennt Tue 16-Aug-11 21:26:27

He sounds lovely and just what many women would want. I think if I had a child with him I would spend a year really trying to fix things, maybe see a sex therapist? Sex isn't always the answer but he sounds perfect otherwise and if you were genuinely attracted to him you might see past the small imperfections.

As for his job, not everyone wants (*or can!*) to move up the career ladder, it just seems to be frowned on when men don't. Do you think you could have a role reversal? Maybe try and see if you can move up and earn more money instead of it being on dh's shoulders?

If dh is in a minumum wage job what makes you think he would be qualified to do something else? Especially in the current financial climate?

Mbear Tue 16-Aug-11 21:33:02

Betty - we have an almost 2 yr old ds. And yes, I share your knotted feeling.

It's like you can't do right for wrong.

I feel awful for saying this, but i feel a little better knowing that you are going through something similar. I have been trying to pluck up the courage to start my own thread.

Or, it is all me... I am about to go part time at work and I just cannot for the life of me decide if I am doing the right thing, even though it is what I wanted. Grrrr. Think I am messed up. And really fucking selfish.

AnyFucker Tue 16-Aug-11 21:38:08

I am glad you two can support each other, tbh

I guess no-one can undersand it properly unless they have walked in those shoes sad

FabbyChic Tue 16-Aug-11 21:40:50

Thing is you never loved him to start with, you have been most unkind in even marrying him and giving him hope for a future with a family. Having a child with him was one of the most cruelest things you could have done, you had doubts on your wedding day.

The kindest thing to do would be to split up and let him have a life with someone who will love him, respect him and want to be with him.

This relationship is too hard for you because you just don't care enough.

BettyBlueEyes Tue 16-Aug-11 21:44:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mbear Tue 16-Aug-11 21:50:05

But you don't have the benefit of foresight, things are good, things are fine, doubts can be nerves and vice versa.

I feel like we work hard, spend little time together (my friend suggested date nights) he works long hours with an early start and in fairness to him, he wants to spend his evenings relaxing.

This is why I asked Betty if maybe she is just a bit fed up of the realities of being married. It's kind of boring.

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