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Post affair sex with your H, how, when? And also, wearing my rings...

(33 Posts)
Bogeyface Tue 16-Aug-11 18:59:42

So, its something I have been thinking about, not because I want to have sex with him but more because I dont.

He didnt have a physical affair but it was sexual in that he was sexting with an ex and did try to arrange to meet her for sex, so I am struggling with the thought of having sex with him. We agreed to counselling, we are waiting for an appointment and he is trying very hard to sort things out. But I cant see me ever wanting to have sex with him again, which of course is going lead to the break up of the marriage on its own as we are both highly sexed people. It isnt sex in itself I dont want but I really am struggling with the concept of getting physically close to him again. He cut off sex when I was pg, because he said that he felt weird about it and then the cheating started. I dont think he is lying about that and the sexting didnt start until after the sex had stopped between us, but I was so hurt and confused when I was PG and he didnt want me. Now I am angry and I do wonder if part of this problem is me "punishing" him for not only taking the sex and intimacy away with no consultation when i was pg and but also for satisfying his needs elsewhere.

Can I get over this? I do feel that if we are going to make this work then we need to reconnect in all ways and sex was, until a year ago when I got pg, a major part of our relationship. If we were having a bad time then sex brought us closer physically and emotionally, and when we werent having sex I did find myself drifting away from him. I feel that this is something I need to address but I dont know how.

Also, I took my rings off when I found out about the affair. I didnt want to wear them because they felt meaningless. He gave them to me when he promised to love and be faithful to me always, and a few short months later he broke those promises. I dont want to just start wearing them now because we are not anywhere near fixed, and I dont feel married in the emotional sense. However, on the other hand as we have committed to working things out I feel that I should make some gesture that shows this.

Any ideas? I am so confused and go from feeling good one day that we can work past this, to being in tears the next day to being fuming angry the day after that sad

Bogeyface Tue 16-Aug-11 21:56:31


Or have none of you that worked forwards after an affair within the marriage had sex with your OHs afterwards?! grin

FabbyChic Tue 16-Aug-11 23:12:37

Sorry you have received no responses, so going to bump for you.

Your relationship before your PG seems to be very much sex focused. If you want things to be right again you'd have to sort out the sexual side.

Maybe counselling can help you only time will tell.

Sorry can't be much help!

Bogeyface Tue 16-Aug-11 23:51:09

Thanks Fabby.

It wasnt sex focussed but sex was a very important part of it for both of us which is why his sudden withdrawal of that when I was pg shocked and confused me. We always made time for love making because we enjoyed the experience itself but also the fact that it drew us close emotionally. So making our marriage work will include that for me and I am assuming, him too. He has made "overtures" in that direction which I have ignored. And I dont want to live in a sexless relationship, so I need to sort this out.

thanks again smile

MyCatHasStaff Wed 17-Aug-11 00:18:11

I went through something similar in my first marriage. He did have a full affair though, so the situations are not the same. However, it was quite a while before I could sleep with him again, it's not something you can rush, and if you feel the need to 'punish', I'm afraid that's one of the consequences of his betrayal. When you think about these things in theory, you don't want to view yourself as someone who would punish, and I'm sure under normal circumstances you're not, but this is not normal circumstances. My advice would be to give it time. You can't force yourself to feel the way you want to. You're working towards wanting to have sex with him again, and that's the first step. In my experience, it's a long road, but that's ok because in the process you re-build the trust and that can't be rushed. Emotional intimacy with someone else, especially when you were pg, can be harder to forgive than a purely physical affair.
I also could not wear my rings, for exactly the reasons you describe. (In fact, wearing my wedding ring again came before any bedroom action.)
Try not to feel pressured to try to fix things and get everything back to normal. You didn't break it, it's not up to you to fix it. I don't mean that to sound glib, but he needs to make you feel secure and cherished, and your only responsibility in that is to meet him halfway.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 17-Aug-11 07:59:59

I think the reason why you are struggling is because you are not ready - for me I needed to be emotionally intimate before I could think about having sex again and I also needed to feel good about myself as its not easy being sexually confident when your self esteem is so low.

We built up to resuming our sex life with back rubs, hugs, sitting together on the sofa, hand holding, eye contact etc.

venusandmars Wed 17-Aug-11 08:20:28

Sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing for you both to have counselling, partly to understand the emotions you now feel, but also to help your h understand his attitude to sex, and why he didn't want to have sex with you when you were pregnant. Don't try and rush to get answers at the moment, but take your time and work through things with a counsellor that you trust. It will be a good foundation for your future.

Re: your rings. When you first wore your rings they were associated with particular rituals i.e. getting engaged and planning for marriage, and marriage and commitment to each other. I am not suggesting a renewal of vows, but perhaps as part of your counselling you could explore working towards some kind of private ritual where you and dh become 're-engaged', and ultimately re-committed (but this time on a basis of greater understanding)

AnyFucker Wed 17-Aug-11 14:42:58

I am really sorry, but I would check your timeline on this

You say he withdrew sexually from you because you were pregnant

Are you absolutely sure about that ? Have you considered that he withdrew from you sexually because he was distancing himself and giving himself permission to start an affair with someone else ?

Pregnancy is a time when some men try to find excuses for bad behaviour and justify to themselves why they "deserve" to get attention elsewhere.

Bogeyface Wed 17-Aug-11 15:20:18

I cant be sure that this wasnt the case AF, but in my previous marriage my ex h did the same. He didnt have an affair, I am 100% certain of that, but he did find sex in pregnancy weird, and it happened each time I was pg. So when H did it this time I wasnt surprised that he felt that way, but hurt and confused about why he wouldnt discuss it.

I am not sure which came first but I do know from what we have discussed since I found out, that his loss of libido with me hit him hard. He has said that he was worried that his loss of desire was a permanent thing, so perhaps the affair was his way of proving to himself that it wasnt. This is one of the things that I am hoping counselling will help me find out.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Aug-11 17:10:23

I find it quite unusual for you to have been with 2 men who found sex in pg "weird"

It is actually one of my barometers of a bloke who may be a twat

< waits for avalanche of women who come on to say their bloke went off sex in pg and isn't a twat >

that is a very convenient reason for having an affair, isn't it ? Isn't that the same as "I wanted to see if I still had the ole magic..."

just lovely

has he acknowledged he would have been very much better finding it with his wife ?

Malificence Wed 17-Aug-11 17:16:42

I'm with you AF, there is something very wrong with a man who doesn't want sex with his pregnant partner (when there is no reason to abstain), at the very least they've absorbed some very damaging mis-information or have some weird "issues".

Bogeyface Wed 17-Aug-11 18:01:49

Well speaking for my first husband, he was fine until we had my 12 week scan and then he just felt odd having sex with his child "in the room" as it were! He did try but couldnt get out of his head the fact that the baby was so close to what was going on. As soon as I had had the baby things were fine. We split up because of other reasons, nothing to do with him being a twat because he wasnt one. We didnt deal with a major situation as a couple, we cut off from each other and I take full responsibility for my part in that, as does he.

Google "my husband doesnt want sex now I am pg" and see the avalanche of sites with this being discussed. It really is quite common!

And one q, why can a woman go off sex during pg and thats ok because she is the one who is pg, but the man cant?

As for this situation, yes I agree, it is a convenient excuse and not one that I accept. I wonder if I am still attractive with the baby weight, I havent gone out and shagged someone to find out have I? Again, an issue for the counsellor to help with I think.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Aug-11 18:54:32

There are very robust hormonal reasons why women can go off sex during pg...not sure we can use that one to excuse men

Good luck with the counselling x

Bogeyface Wed 17-Aug-11 18:56:28

And there are perfectly reasonable psychological reasons why men can too!

I refuse to accept that going of sex when ones wife is pg makes a man a twat. Its what the man does when it happens that shows whether he is a twat or not.

TheOriginalFAB Wed 17-Aug-11 19:00:14

With all my pregnancies we pretty much gave up sex but it was a joint decision as we had our reasons. No twats or problems here.

AnyFucker Wed 17-Aug-11 19:05:08

Its what the man does when it happens that shows whether he is a twat or not.

Yes, Bogey, and there you have it sad

AnyFucker Wed 17-Aug-11 19:06:08

I didn't have any sex during my pg's either. If my husband rejected me sexually, however, I would not be finding reasons to defend him.

buzzsore Wed 17-Aug-11 19:06:44

I'm not sure how long it's been since you've found out about what he did, but I'd just give yourself more time. I don't think you should put your rings back on or have sex with him until you feel comfortable, until you feel you can trust him, until you're sure where you are with this. Don't pressure yourself to jump those hurdles until you know how you're going to land.

SheCutOffTheirTails Wed 17-Aug-11 20:53:44

"there are perfectly reasonable psychological reasons why men can too"


what are they?

Because not wanting to have dirty sex near a baby is not a reasonable psychological reaction.

It shows really weird, nasty issues about how you see a woman's body.

It's a big twat flag.

Bogeyface Wed 17-Aug-11 20:55:53

I am not defending his decision to cheat, as I said, what he chose to do during that time makes him a twat (actually more than a twat but I dont have enough time to write exactly what I think of him atm). But I dont believe that every man who loses his libido due to his partners pg is a twat, I really dont. And I do defend their right to not want to have sex if it makes them feel uncomfortable, just as women have the right to not want sex at certain times in their life.

Bogeyface Wed 17-Aug-11 20:57:48

I would love to see the reactions if a man came on here and called his partner a twat because she refused to have sex with him!

Why is it not a reasonable reaction? Who are you to judge someone elses feelings and emotions as not reasonable?

Bogeyface Wed 17-Aug-11 21:01:00

Actually, can we drop the argument about whether going off sex in pg for men is ok or a "big red twat flag" please?

It has nothing to do with the questions I asked and is insulting to me.

Malificence Wed 17-Aug-11 21:04:16

It gives very good insight into the kind of man he is though, he couldn't bear to have sex with you and sought out an ex instead.

Bogeyface Wed 17-Aug-11 21:07:52

It does yes, but I already have that insight! What I dont have is answers to my questions.

TDada Wed 17-Aug-11 21:26:25

Bogey- I am sorry to hear. You don't say whether your DH is truly sorry for his actions?

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