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help with DP

(34 Posts)
c0nfusticated Tue 16-Aug-11 14:57:15

Am a long time poster (pom bears, the greggs debated etc) but have name changed for this as I don't want to be outed in RL, and DP knows I post on here.

I had DD almost 2 years ago, and earlier this year finally got round to pulling my finger out and doing something about shifting the remaining baby weight. I've been working really hard at it, and it is working, I'm down to a 10 (from a 16 post DD), and am still loosing the weight and I may even get back into my size 8 clothes if I stick at it.

I'm feeling great about myself and have started wearing clothes other than just baggy jumpers and trousers to work.

Now this is where I start to have a problem.

DP doesn't seem to have noticed at all - apart from making a comment about me spending money on some new clothes (which I really needed as nothing fitted me and I looked like a kids dressing up in my mums clothes - anyway I digress). I would just love for him to see the effort I've made and actually pay me a compliment

But other people have noticed, particularly one of the guys I work fairly close with, we've always had a bit of a joke flirt and we've always done lunches together, and been very good friends.

He's started saying all the things I would love my DP to say, and actually makes me feel worth something other than just a mother and an income.
Nothing has ever happened with this guy at work, but it's just so nice to have someone pay me some attention, and pay me a compliment. I fear I may be starting to lean towards doing something, he's already started texting me in the evenings for nothing more than a friendly chat, and I generally ignore him, but occasionally DP is in a foul mood, or being a grumpy bugger and I do find I feel the need to chat with this other guy just to cheer myself up.

Please help me pull my head out of my arse before I do something stupid which will ruin my (generally) wonderful relationship with my DP and please can I have some advice on how to get my DP to actually notice me for who I am, and find me attractive again

boudiccasSideKick Tue 16-Aug-11 15:18:46

Why not look at it another way? DH hasn't said anything because what size you are really doesn't matter to him.

Hardgoing Tue 16-Aug-11 15:20:47

Well, you kind of know the answer already don't you as you've said it in your post! YOu would be crazy to jeopardise your generally wonderful relationship for a few flirty comments from someone who is not invested in you or your family.

So, what is it you want from your DH? In a way, him saying very little about your appearance could be interpreted positively. Perhaps he does just genuinely love you the way you are, and for him, it's not that important how heavy you are. I have recently lost a similar amount of weight (and gained a few wolf-whistles) and apart from one comment, my husband hasn't said much. He isn't that bothered if I lose weight, he's happy for me, but isn't invested in it if you see what I mean.

It sounds to me that rather than making your husband concerned about your weight, or trying to get him a bit jealous, you need to increase the romance/appreciation in other ways. The old classics really do work, get a babysitter (friend/relation whoever), get dressed up and go out for a drink and a chat. This is far more bonding than parading around hoping for a compliment.

And, stop the nightly texting. I'm guessing you don't tell your husband about this and so just text back 'sorry, can't text in evenings as with husband and baby' and leave it at that.

c0nfusticated Tue 16-Aug-11 15:36:58

Thanks BoudiccasSK and Hardgoing - that's what I needed to hear.

I know you're right, and I know deep down that I wouldn't do anything to risk my relationship with DP and our lovely little family.

I guess I just wish after the months of poking my belly and making the odd (not nasty) comment about getting my figure back, that now I have finally done it he would say something nice.

I like your idea of getting a night out for just the two us, it's been far too long since we did anythingas just a couple.

Thanks for not being too hard on me either, and giving me the kick I needed in a nice way

ImperialBlether Tue 16-Aug-11 15:42:53

Who was poking your belly, OP? Was it you or your DH?

c0nfusticated Tue 16-Aug-11 16:08:04

@ ImperialBlether - it was my DP who used to do that

MrsHicks Tue 16-Aug-11 16:15:26

I disagree that not commenting on someone's size is indicative of not caring what size they are. Someone can love someone whether they're a 20 or an 8 and also comment appreciatively, especially if it's something they know their partner cares about. It's normal to want your partner to notice/appreciate effort and also that you're looking nice and if they didn't care what size you are, you'd still be entitled to comments at all sizes.

He must've noticed so what about asking him outright why he hasn't commented?

KatieScarlett2833 Tue 16-Aug-11 16:21:17

Dance around in your pants in front of him singing "check me oouut, check me ooout, check me ouuut" <to the tune of "Here we go" football chant>

He'll notice. Worked for me. wink

ImperialBlether Tue 16-Aug-11 16:30:11

OK so he was poking you in the belly when you were overweight and now "hasn't noticed" that you've lost weight? He's noticed alright! Sounds like he was happier when he had something to criticise.

Do you think he doesn't like your newfound confidence? Do you think he's happier when you're not really happy about yourself?

cleanteeth Tue 16-Aug-11 16:41:16

i like katiescarlett's idea grin

well done on losing that much weight by the way!

buzzsore Tue 16-Aug-11 16:44:20

I think it's pretty awful that he used to poke you and make comments about your weight - and now he doesn't make any fuss of you for having lost so much, and complains about spending on clothes!

I don't blame you for being pleased by this other man's attention, because your dh is letting you down and behaving quite badly, imo.

Obviously the right thing to do is to back way off from the other guy before you end up having an emotional affair at the least. Your dh sounds pretty negative - he was basically putting you down (even though it was baby-weight, from bearing his child) - and he's regularly in a grumpy strop of an evening? His behaviour is driving you away, and he needs to do something about it.

c0nfusticated Tue 16-Aug-11 17:08:40

@ cleanteeth and KatieScarlett - I've tried somethingnot disimilar, I tried "dressing up" one evening after DD had gone to bed, no real response, I even made a point this last week, of getting out my old prePG underwear (very nice expensive stuff I couldn't bring myself to bin) and putting it on in front of him and saying "wow I'm so amazed I can actually get into this again" kind of got a half hearted mutter from him, but is was first thing, and he's never the best person in the mornings.

He's always been a bit of a grumy sod, but I've just always accepted that as being part of who he is, and have occasionally teased him about being my own grumpy 30 year old smile

I'm not sure about the confidence thing, I was always very confident before I had DD, but did lose a lot of it after having her as I just felt so frumpy and out of shape, but maybe because it's been so long he's not used to it.

Just to clarify I'm not wearing stuff were my arse or tits hang out, just much more fitted and feminine clothes.

Will definitely stay clear of guy at work, and have messaged him this afternoon to say evening chats have to stop.

Thanks everyone for your advice and help, I'm really surprised no one has had a go at me.

KatieScarlett2833 Tue 16-Aug-11 17:11:35

You are very sweet and your DH is a lucky man.

c0nfusticated Tue 16-Aug-11 17:15:29

Thanks Katie.

Nice to just get the confirmation that I'm not expecting the ridiculous.

blackeyedsusan Tue 16-Aug-11 17:37:50

you have recognised the danger, and are taking steps to avoid getting drawn in. when the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, water your own grass... how, is different matter. have you said to your dp that you feel that he has not appreciated your efforts at losing weight?

AnyFucker Tue 16-Aug-11 17:47:52

Have your told your DP what you have told us ?

Including your appreciation of the attentions of a particular man at work who makes you feel good, whilst your own partner doesn't ?

perhaps he needs to hear that

he doesn't actually sound as "wonderful" as you would like him to be, OP hmm

Hardgoing Tue 16-Aug-11 18:00:31

I agree that his silence could be interpreted in two ways, not being that bothered or that he has noticed and is a bit threatened. However, having an emotional affair with a guy from work behind his back is not that productive a way to deal with it. I think you need to reconnect with him as the attractive sexy person you feel you are, and if you haven't been out just the two of you for ages, that's an obvious place to start and I would book a babysitter pronto. It's far easier to have conversations about whether you sometimes feel a bit neglected when you are closer and having time on your own, than just walking around in your underwear wondering why he has/hasn't noticed.

Personally, I don't like my husband approving of me and appreciating me much more when I am thin. I may not be thin in the years to come!

ChitChattingaway Tue 16-Aug-11 18:18:08

Tell him you're making an appointment at the optometrists for him. When he asks why, tell him it's either because he's blind or being bloody rude to you by ignoring your weight loss - then tell him you'll give him the evening to work out which it is and then storm out and have a night out with some girlfriends and make him stew a bit!!!!

c0nfusticated Wed 17-Aug-11 09:17:23

lol @ ChitChattingAway - love that idea, I think I may try that.

OM (if I can call him that) has been told and we'll be keeping our distance as much as possible, we have to work together occassionally, but he accepts that we've overstepped the friendship line.

Spoke to DP last night and asked him what he thought and why he hadn't said anything - got the response that I'm looking ok, but need to tone up and could lose a bit more sad
Was very tempted to comment that he'd gained weight recently but I'd not pointed it out or taken the mick because of it, but wasn't going to drop to that level.

But thanks everyone for you help and your advice, and for making me laugh.

HairyGrotter Wed 17-Aug-11 09:23:33

Sounds like DH is a little jealous or a little threatened by your weight loss. Maybe he's turning his own insecurities on you, his comments aren't really acceptable when you've done well to lose weight in the first place.

Hmmm I'd be having stern words.

ImperialBlether Wed 17-Aug-11 09:25:37

He is really out of order, talking to you like that. He really is threatened by it, isn't he?

I think you SHOULD have said something about his gaining weight. He should know how much it hurts when someone says that.

c0nfusticated Wed 17-Aug-11 09:29:23

While I don't necessarily disagree with what you're saying, I keep thinking that he can't surely be threatened by it as I'm still bigger than I was pre DD, but what you're saying does sound so possible.

I don't know if I could bring myself to pointing out his weight gain, he's more than likely aware of it, and I just cannot be nasty for the sake of it.

ImperialBlether Wed 17-Aug-11 09:51:56

Well, is there any harm, if he says anything again, in saying, "Ahem, you might want to look in the mirror and reconsider what you're saying!"?

Hardgoing Wed 17-Aug-11 10:02:46

Wow, that changes things for me. He sounds not a little jealous and like he's running you down. I would be talking about why he does that, not why he doesn't say anything about your weight.

And, this is why I don't think weight should come into it. How is him saying you need to lose a few more pounds when you are a size 10 really ok? So what if you were a size 16? A bit more appreciation and unconditional love would not go amiss in this relationship (from his side).

What's going on with him that he's grumpy so much and putting you down?

c0nfusticated Wed 17-Aug-11 10:23:23

He's always been a bit of a grumpy bugger - for as long as I've known him, but we all have things about us that are less than perfect.

I sometimes thinks he resents the fact that I work while he stays at home with DD, but it was his choice to do that, and have suggested on many occassions he retrains to do something he likes (has never really found a job he really enjoys doing) but he says he likes looking after DD, and tbh I think he does a better job of being the SAHP than I could.

I guess the other thing could be that we've been talking about trying for a second DC in the not too distant future, and maybe he's worried all the hard work will go to waste.

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